Bubble no more

Am sorry...

..that I wasn't man enough to protect you.

..that I decided instead to err on the side of recklessness and dragged you along to crash.

..that I put my desires above your needs, when all you need is for me to act like any normal matured being.

..that your strong bubble burst, on my watch.

..that I feared too much, that I misunderstood you, enough to nearly have lost you.

Our good friend we just had our Starbucks sessions with kept on reminding me to be prepared. I said yes I am. I said yes I will. This time I know the feeling - being prepared is different when the very scenario you fear the most presents itself right before you - there's no preparing for this. All you can do is follow your instincts.

Mush potato

I never thought re-tracing your steps could be so ... romantic.

Like having coffee at the same exact spot you had coffee the first time you met each other. Like walking along the same park where you spent the rest of the night talking simply because the coffee shops had closed for the night. Like having pancakes at the same fastfood and sitting on the same table. Of course, this minus clothes you so vividly remember each other wore that night.

What makes it more valuable is the realization that bits and pieces of yourselves are falling into their right places, perfectly forming something new - the you and the me becoming an us.

I like re-tracing steps.

Damned if you do

Damned if you don't.

We all keep secrets. We all tell lies.

Secrets are one irony you'll never get. To keep them, we tell lies. We refuse to let anyone near to protect our secrets. We sometimes push and shove to do that. We sometimes withdraw from the world. Governments kill people to keep secrets, ironic because the secrets they keep could kill people if they were out.

We may have the noblest of reasons for keeping secrets. We may have the best intentions for telling lies. Most times we believe it to be for the best.

The irony is that the one noble thing we wanted to achieve, that is to protect people we love from the pain of knowing, is the one thing that hurt them most. Because for that person, more than the pain of finding out is the agony of knowing that you kept them out.

Ad lib

Starbucks grande Americano to go ... never a day without it.

Sureseats reservations ... long lines no more.

Downing a pitcher of vodka cruiser good for half a dozen people ... whoa!.

Instant noodles ... masarap pala.

Dating a model...
                                        .....priceless.

Broody's walking tonight *smug*

Mopey's more excited than Broody himself. *smug* 

Why not? The bragging rights are all mine. Though Sunshine would want some of that for herself. Of course, Covergirl gets the "fake" right to brag first...

Well, Sunshine you have to fight for it...with Covergirl.

Sorry girls, Mopey's the rightful holder of  this one.

Cover girl

In a little more than 48 hours I could publish my much awaited blog...my own Mastercard ad. For now I am rethinking some lines, wanting more bite and humor. Well...

In other news, been hanging out with Sunshine and Nel lately...good to talk to friends who are more grounded than I am nowadays. Sunshine's particularly grumpy these days, what with all that's going on at work and the lack of action in areas where she should be getting more... grumpy or not Sunshine's still a handful, low batt or fully charged she's a blast.

For one who's new to all of these, someone's turned out to be an outstanding student. I am pleasantly surprised each time. We should probably give special awards, right, Broody?

And I met the cover girl...cool, she is. And hot. Nah, haven't switched sides, but I can use that adjective to describe someone sexy and ...uhm, yeah hot.

Of course, not everything is perfect. As I've written before, bits and pieces of my past I still encounter each day I move forward. I know the challenges will be overcome, not soon, and not easily, but now I am stronger and more able to face my demons head on. I have my peace, my calm, my dream to keep me going.

Broody and Mopey 2

Broody is worried and sad.
Mopey thinks Broody should smile.
Mopey is worried Broody is withdrawn.
Perhaps not a very good day. Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

The important thing is...
Broody loves Mopey and Mopey loves Broody.

 

No title

It is painful. That need to be with someone, to be part of his life, to share triumphs and disasters as one.

It is painful. That need to protect someone. That fear that you'll drag him down with you if you share more than what he could handle. That need to make it all right and okay, in spite of everything.

It is painful. To leave your past behind you and still find bits and pieces of it on your way forward. To live in the present and make the most of it. To plan the future, despite the odds.

It is painful. To find assurances. To seek validation. To reassure. To reinforce. To know.

It is painful, and blissfully so.

To live. To love.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Mopey and Broody

Guess who's Broody and who's Mopey....
(clue: Broody is the slob...)

The weekend news

Top this... 

Now I am fond of wet Sunday afternoons spent having coffee with friends, buying bananas from that Korean grocery, or simply sucking lolipops while walking.

I can't remember anymore why I like having CNN on when I'm at home (except perhaps for Anderson Cooper).

Once every 4 years, I will remember that there is a Liquor Ban on the weekend before elections.

I am slowly but definitely becoming a slob - such a strong influence. I wonder what's the current slob population in Metro Manila?

And we discovered the wonders of extremely long foreplays.

Just perfect.

No U-Turns

That toast

The naughty ones came, stuff dreams are made of, but the one that stayed on and made me wish I could hold on much longer is one I wouldn't trade for anything. I dreamt of Nel's and Joey's anniversary last night.

The fact that their first anniversary is less than 4 months away gave me goosebumps - why oh why would I dream of such an event that has not happened? I'll bet my uhmm kikopod it will happen, so that doesn't make me anything like a predictor of future events by dreaming about them.

So what happened in my dream anyway?

I saw myself sitting there, right in front of the podium where Nel and Joey are giving a speech, thanking family and friends for their love and support.

Then Nel raised his glass for a toast, looked at me and the one I am seated with. I followed his gaze and everyone's for that matter. Then I realized he's giving us a toast - much like what your best friend would give you when you get engaged, get married or when you're celebrating your own wedding anniversary.

Then my mobile went off, woke me up. I would have thrown it off the wall for waking me up at 3am, hadn't it been for the message sender - the one whom I am sharing that toast with. Ahh sweet dream.

I can't figure out how I made it through the rest of my sleep, all I can think of is the one in my dream... that and the prospect of having brunch with him in a few hours. I could be eating sand for all I care.

Irrational fears, self-doubt and that glimmer of something you can't quite put your finger on

I have to admit I have just entered a new and foreign territory here. I try to wing it, put on a brave front, march forward with that air of confidence I do not feel but pretend to have anyway. All I know is that I'd be the biggest loser if I didn't try.

To my few select readers, you know that I'll try to be as vague as I possibly can. Some of you may know what I am talking about, most don't have any idea, which is a good thing. I'll try to keep it in codes as much.

I don't know what makes you more vulnerable - is it you opening your heart to someone, welcoming them in your life, or is it when you realize that someone opened their heart to you and welcomed you in their life?

Are these independent and mutually exclusive? Will you open your heart and welcome someone in even when you don't see the same thing happening from his end? Or will he do the same when you're simply not ready to welcome him? I sure hope not.

All I know is that I feel vulnerable right now - for both reasons. So there you go, here's one living proof that these things could be not mutually exclusive. 

Next you'll hear me belting out a song. Warning - this guy can't carry a tune...

Grande hot choco and a flirty barista to go

I fear that writing about it will somehow make things final. So I avoid writing about it, instead I write about something else. When I had coffee with Nel tonight I wouldn't even talk about it, as discussing it seems to make it even more real.

Coward, you say? Escapist? So what, sue me! I can't deal with real right now, and I'll take my own sweet time dealing with it.

Funny, but the longer I delay writing about it, the more I feel I did the right thing. I can only delay so long, but they didn't call it inevitable because you can stop it - hence the phrase, "you're only delaying the inevitable..."