Usual weekend

Another weekend. Another Saturday spent sleeping, working out, and generally driving around town looking for a new trick. Except that the usual suspects aren't with me to do it this time. Well, except that another friend's turning 30 today. Maybe something new will come and help me snap out of it.

Good friend JT's left the country for a few months, work-related, of course. Second JT to leave the same year. Will surely miss you, my friend. Fifth friend to leave the country, many more to go. Just got SMS from Erwin that he'd settled nicely in Norfolk, a month after we've agreed to hang out after a year of being out of grad school (but not graduates yet). The Cats will be going in a month, to Vancouver. The Jen, well, off to Germany to follow her heart. MK's already in Singapore...etc etc etc.

Everybody's leaving, at a time when I am more and more convinced that I'd stay. Two years ago I was so restless and discontented here that I'd leave the country first chance I get. Now, though I'm not preaching everyone to stay, I am more contented and at home. It helps that I am more comfortable with my own skin as well.

On JT's leaving, am sad because I lost a hangout buddy and a relationship expert, from whom I ask a lot of advice. Same JT who's asked dating advice from me, of all people. Too bad no one's going to ask me for an early morning dimsum treat at Makati Avenue's Northpark, or a late night Sunday movie if only to attest to our (in)human work schedules. You see, we both work on US time zones.

Anyway, JT's leaving may be sad for me, but in a way it is also a good thing. It means less chance for me to move in his circle, a circle that's proven to be too tempting to move in. Am relieved, if only for the distance JT's leaving will provide in terms of my interaction with some other people. Interesting people, perhaps, but dangerous nonetheless.

So am thankful that JT's gone at a critical time, when I almost lost it. I welcome his leaving at this time, if only because I get some distance from people I should not even be talking to.

Now, am off to sleep.

Mantra

Quit while you're ahead.

Take your winnings and go.

Win, then leave. Do not linger, do not look back.

Quit while you're ahead.

Colored dreams

As if our time partying last weekend plus the time I've spent daydreaming about you after that are not enough, you've recently invaded even my sleep. Enough to declare this to be more than just a crush.

Multiple dreams about you in a single sleeping window - how pathetic is that? The kind of dreams I couldn't control, the kind that tells me I want you more than I'm willing to admit to myself.

I can't even say which dream came first, but last night there were two. One in colors, the other one in grayscale. One left me feeling lost, the other feeling good but guilty. It's amazing how I can't figure out which one came first, while I can vividly remember other details of those dreams.

The colored dream:

Coming out of my building one weekend afternoon. Saw some kids playing on the streets while walking, stopped a while to watch them. I felt your presence first, and saw you seated there, watching me, with your best friend.

Interestingly, you were wearing a yellow t-shirt and khaki shorts, very Abercrombie. Your bestfriend is wearing something similar, though in shades of pink and brown, much like what your ex-boyfriend was wearing one time I saw you together for real. Both of you were looking at me, and I barely acknowledged your presence and instead turned my attention back to the kids.

Then I looked back, and you were gone. I tried desperately to look for you in the streets, tried to run after you, but you were nowhere to be seen. I gave up and found myself kneeling on the pebble-ladden street. I felt no pain, just tremendous loss and regret.

The grayscale dream:

We were at a place I can exactly identify as the Luneta, almost at the intersection of Kalaw and that obscure street next to Taft. It was dark, maybe dusk. We were walking, then you started playing with street kids, even getting your clothes dirty.

Then we started kissing. I hesitated a moment, afraid that I'd get dirty, too. I kissed you back anyway. The kiss deepened, got steamy. We made out right there, kissing and holding each other, even lying and rolling on the sidewalk.

I felt somebody, popped an eyelid open, then saw your bestfriend, watching us. Got uncomfortable. I drew away from you and looked back at him, and saw tears in his eyes. I put my hands on his shoulders, trying to console him. I felt guilty kissing you, but I also felt good and wanted more.

End of dreams.

I think I woke up, but went right back to sleep. It was only after getting up later that I felt weird remembering the details and realizing I might be manifesting more than just an infatuation with you. I'll stop interpreting these dreams right now, and instead analyze how I felt in those dreams.

I felt deep loss in my colored dream when you were gone, regret that I was still trying to play games with you when you were right there and all I have to do is smile at you and let you know I see you. I realize now that it has been my usual reaction when we see each other - nonchallance, uninterested attitude towards you, but only to make you want me, too. Now I know what I'll feel if my playing games with you drives you away from me.

In grayscale, I felt good kissing you, felt happy that it was a soul-baring kiss. But afterwards, I also felt guilty when I saw your bestfriend in tears seeing that kiss. I don't know why I should be feeling guilty, but I felt that I am taking away something from him. It doesn't help that when awake, I have this nagging feeling that he's really holding a candle for you. I mean, he's totally into you. Too bad we got acquainted through him, and it feels like I had to get his permission just to get to you, maybe even just to have a crush on you. Not fair to him, I know.

Still, overall, I like that I am dreaming about you. That's why I felt bad with the one-liner emails you've been sending through. You started it, but now I feel like I'm the one who wanted it to continue.

Help me out here. Next time, just get on with it. No strings, just to see if what's afflicting me is just a result of a (un)healthy libido and an overactive imagination; just to know if it can be washed away like soap does dirt or like wine does the aftertaste.

Day dreams, not daydreaming

Dreams. They're supposed to tell you something, right?

Some dream facts*:

1.Everybody dreams. EVERYBODY! Simply because you do not remember your dream does not mean that you did not dream.

2. Dreams are indispensable. A lack of dream activity can mean protein deficiency or a personality disorder.

3. Five minutes after the end of the dream, half the content is forgotten. After ten minutes, 90% is lost.

4. We dream on average of one or two hours every night. And we often even have 4-7 dreams in one night.

Okay, so I'm normal, at least from these I am just like most people. Still, It's not the fact that I am dreaming in my sleep that's bothering me, it's the dream itself. Or to be precise, dreams themselves.

I've had multiple dreams before. You know, several dreams in a night. Yeah, that's not odd. But multiple dreams about the same person? And 24 hours later, I can still vividly remember 100% of those dreams? And in COLORS! I read somewhere that most of the time, our dreams are in grayscale, and very seldom do we really dream in colors, though our preconditioned minds remember the dreams in colors.

Anyway, I'll write what I remember of those dreams at another blog. I'll just place the "textbook interpretation" here:

Kiss*
To dream of a kiss, denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and contentment. To see others kissing in your dream, suggests that you are too involved in their personal lives and relationship. You need to give them some space. If the dream ends just about you are about to kiss someone, indicates that you are unsure of how he or she really feels about you. You are looking for some sort of relationship with this person but you are not sure about how to go about achieving it. If you are heterosexual and you dream that you are kissing someone of the same sex, then it represents self-acceptance. You are acknowledging the feminine or masculine side.

To dream that you are kissing someone's hand, signifies respect.

To dream that you are kissing someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend, indicates your wish to be in a relationship and to experience the energy of love. You may be sexually acting out and desire to awaken your passion. Alternatively, it indicates a lack of integrity on your part.

If you are kissing a close friend, then it represents your respect and adoration for your friend. You are seeking some intimate closeness that is lacking in some waking relationship. It may or may not signify a romantic interest for him or her.

To dream of kissing an enemy, signifies betrayal, hostility, or reconciliation with an angry friend. Consider also the saying "this kiss of death". If you are kissed by a stranger, then your dream is one of self-discovery. You need to get more acquainted with some aspect of yourself.

* http://www.dreammoods.com

A for alcohol, A for Absolut

Yeah, it's the alcohol. Nothing more.

Never in my life had I used being drunk as an excuse for mischief. But this time, for sanity's sake, I will. How else will I explain this?

"this" I'll try to explain with as much ambiguity as possible.

I've been drunk before. Heavily drunk. You know, the kind of being drunk that makes you swear you'll never touch Absolut again. Or the kind of drunk that makes you dance on the "ledge" of Bed. Or the one that gives you one hell of a hangover.

No, not drunk, just tipsy. Still able to function as a normal being on the surface. It's what's brewing inside that's bugging me.

When was the last time I put myself out there and played the flirting game? Can't even remember. Nowadays it's the aloof-and-disconnected-slash-uninterested-guy-whom-you-can-sleep-with-but-never-twice facade. It works well in screening out sissies and those marriage-types who'd ironically go to bed with you if you so much as give them the chance. No, nowadays am done flirting.

So why am I flirting with him tonight, only alcohol can answer that. And it's not the onslaught of innuendo that's keeping me fueled, it's the totality of the evening. The look. The words. The hands. The resting of one's head to the other's shoulder. The "how's my hair - oh you have something on yours let me get that for you" stuff.

Subtlely can only be found by the really dense or by a distracted bystander.

There's a dozen reasons why I should have done otherwise. Reasons enough to make a soft cookie run as fast as I could. Yes my instincts are telling me to run. Yet my ego won't let me. Only one reason:

i.like.

So, alcohol is to blame. Why is it always Absolut Kurant that gets me into trouble? Anyway, morning after I'm so ready to dismiss this as just one of those crazy nights that should have been boring if not for the booze and the music and the man. Until I saw the email - had fun last night blah blah.

Two things I've read somewhere that're supposed to tell you it's not a one-night thing:
1. When he asks "So, when do I see you again?"
2. When he leaves a message "Had fun last night" after you've already said your goodbyes.

Two sure things, the magazine article said. This time am not buying it. This time am running.

It's just the alcohol.

Me, not dancing

Not today, I didn't.

Couldn't seem to find my rhythm. Tried a few minutes and decided my heart isn't paying attention. It is busy thinking about gymcrush.

Damn! Should have listened to the "doctor" telling me not to take on anything strenuous today. Went to the gym and altered my routine, did lighter stuff, thinking the doc meant something in the realm of the physical. Finding out I was wrong about a lot of things is more strenuous than lifting a dumbbell as heavy as myself.

I was wrong, dead wrong. There is no ex. Gymcrush and boyfriend are still very much together. Maybe the guy left the country or something. Maybe volunteered in Somalia, ate very little and didn't bother to shampoo (maybe they didn't have shampoo in Somalia) by the way he looks now. Oh where is Somalia anyway?

I was surprised by the intensity of my reaction to seeing them together again. Here I was, declaring GC as a hopeless crush and even contemplating to write another blog about moving on to better things (yeah, gymcrush #2 is found). All that hubris vanished in thin air with just one sight of two men I thought I'll never see together again.

Ruined my whole routine, damn it. Went back to the familiar and revert to old ways. Weights got heavier, added more than I could lift. Skipped yoga and abs, used the showers again (after swearing I'd avoid FF showers) and went home in a bad mood.

Home didn't offer any respite at all, and after a few minutes pretending to dance I stopped and chugged a beer or two. Then coffee. Then more coffee. Still restless (siempre nagkape ba naman), decided to work.

Alas, work is no panacea tonight. Briefly responded to emails with one-liners and surfed instead. Ah internet didn't help, either. Decided to cut the crap at 2am and went home to sleep. And what do I do once in bed? Write yet another gymcrush blog.

Me not dancing today. No rhythm. No nothing. I just want to vanish nowhere. Anywhere. Maybe in my sleep I wouldn't think of today too much. Maybe I'll dream a much better one than the reality of a nightmare earlier this evening.

Note: Photograph from http://channingtatum.org/galery

Me, dancing

I discovered dancing.

Okay, so I always claim I don't dance. I also do not sing, which is another matter altogether. Point is, the last time I danced was in highschool, and it didn't go well. I waltz, though. And do cha-cha. Those were easy. I got good rhythm. Daw.

Dancing again. Not any dance in particular. I used to dance those folksy things in gradeschool, and it's the competitive stuff that earned my school some top awards in the region. That was too long ago, lost interest when I started gaining height disproportionately with my width. I got too lanky and moved clumsily.

Anyway, I've seen some dance classes at the gym and all I can do is watch how nicely the participants moved with the music. Still couldn't get myself to join in, too reserved to be part of an out and loud group. Yoga works for me because you're supposed to look in, not out.

Channing Tatum danced well. Been waiting for Step Up to be shown, maybe this week or next? Still not enough for me to start dancing, only to heighten my awareness that dance is something I used to do. And then there's Vogue - used as a major soundtrack for The Devil Wears Prada. Over the weekend some botched night out with old friends turned me to iTunes to download Madonna.

Hi and lo. This week I just started dancing. On my own. Under Madonna's Vogue, Bonnie Bailey's Ever After and a few QAF music such as Deborah Cox's Absolutely Not and Full Frontal's You Think You're A Man. For two nights, after yoga and working out, I go home, take my top off, and dance like there's no tomorrow to these works of art. Picture the go-go boys at Bed or Gov and you'll have a pretty good idea of what I'm talking about.

I never danced like this before. I mean, just me, the rhythm and music blaring in the background. Must have been pissing some of my neighbors off, though I'm pretty sure they won't complain as my music is way more pleasing than the sounds coming from their HBO-ladden sound systems.

Pissed off neighbors aside (cute, but pissed nonetheless) there are some benefits to dancing as well, though I didn't pay much attention before. For one, improved movement and coordination. Two, my calorie burn rate must be shooting off the roof, and I swear by my sweat-soaked body this one's a great alternative to my usual 15-minute 15-kph treadmill program that gets me loathing looks from guys (and gals) twice my waist-size. My friend Manuel, an excellent dancer, also tells me it helped trim his waist a few inches, adding back dancing as part of his workout routine. I'd say he's right, plus stronger limbs and tighter ass, perhaps.

Of course, there's a long long way between dancing topless in the privacy of my pad to dancing in class at the gym, tank top aside. It's going to be a long and winding road and you may never see me dance at all.

Me and the rhythm, me and the music. I'd be perfect for an iPod commercial.

New Blog In, Old Blog Out

Am discontinuing the "Bitch 'n Brat" blog and publishing a new one called "Life Can Be So Simple". Got inspired by a pocket book entitled "Simple", the author of which I failed to take note of (internet researching at Amazon.com hasn't turned up anything yet).

It's a collection of thoughts about simplifying your daily life and doing away with the complications that we humans usually insist adding to our lives. I hope the author wouldn't mind me writing my own take about this.

Read away at http://simpol-layf.blogspot.com and send me your thoughts!

Upgrades, Downgrades

I didn't really start this, JT did. He said he's downgrading my best friend AQ from potential to just friends. Then he asked me about...uhm.. everyone.

(Technically, shifting work priorities started it for the day. Changes happened sometime during my sleep and I woke up to different upgrades and downgrades, so to speak.)

Ok. Someone's just been upgraded from option to priority potential, another downgraded from option to have had, and a have had to just friends. This is what a bout of cold could do. Plus some heavy rainfall early evening.

Gym: cancelled.
Laundry pick up: postponed
Opening night movie at GB3: forget it
Hot date with a cute Ilonggo in town for one night only: sorry

Runaway winner: an evening with DA.

It was soooooooooo worth it.

Puppy grin

There's a lot to smile about nowadays. Am actually grinning like a satisfied puppy!

Okay, first is Robbie's 3rd birthday. Nephew's turning to be a brat like his tito. A spoiled yet intelligent brat. Turned down everything his mom and lola wanted to buy him on his birthday, like a $400 toy car or a bike that's priced the same. And what did he want? A trip to the mall (with me as the yaya), a few rides, and snacks at Jolibee. I love kids! And after all that, he muttered "Wala kasi nakikinig sa gusto ko eh!"

Right. We grownups should listen more to them - could save not a few bucks if only we listen to what kids want for their birthdays. Of course, this only means one thing - a much more expensive Christmas gift for my nephew. No matter what, he deserves it (for the maturity he'd shown, beyond his age). Besides, by then I would have found the perfect puppy for him.

Next is AIBO. Yeah, yeah, Sony discontinued development/production of these robot dogs but I still can find something on eBay. I've always wanted one, but somehow it was too pricey for a toy. Now it's become more affordable, given the fact that you can't buy one brandnew anymore. I'll settle for the updated support, though. I'm getting mine before Christmas.

Then there's DA. Ahhh maybe this is what "effort" means - patience. Patience is a virtue I do not posses. Last night we were even discussing an out-of-town trip together. Of course, knowing his job takes priority over everything else, we'd be lucky to see the toll gates of the SLEX this month. Yeah. Where can I buy patience anyway? Kahit perfume lang, pwede na.

Sunshine, over coffee last Sunday evening, said that being in a relationship does not mean you and your partner have to see each other regularly, as in weekly. Ohmigod, when did Sunshine become a relationship expert anyway? But it got me thinking, how often do I really want to be with DA? How often should we be seeing each other before we can be called a couple? Is it our being together that defines the relationship? Given that, or the alternative proposition, I'd rather we define our engagement in how much time we spend together than how long we stay apart.

Never been a fan of long distance relationships. We're not even apart, just two cities separated by the traffic congestion of EDSA. But it's beginning to feel like we're at two places separated by miles and miles of distance. How much of this I can take in the long term, I can't say for sure.

Of course, when I said DA is worth it, I wasn't thinking much about the "situation". His work comes first, and he has a killer of a boss. On the other hand, I'm the one with flexible time. So I figured I could do the adjustment. I can mould my schedule to his. Not the other way around. But control freak that I am (yeah, add that to my being a retard), I now doubt if I won't make demands sooner. I will. Watch me.

Still, lots to smile about. Sunshine knows why. Right Ms Owner of Dainty?

By the way, saw gymcrush jogging at midnight again. Grinning like a kitten now.

My nephew's 3rd bday

Pucha.

Am running late for Robbie's birthday and I have yet to figure out what to give my nephew for his 3rd. Of course, I know what we want but his mom won't let us have it - a golden retriever. Says he's too young for that kind of responsibility.

I say he's old enough. What do you think?