happy holidays!

sweet cookies

my take on things

if i could talk to the wind, i would whisper your name and say i love you
if i could stare at the sun, i would shine your way when you feel the darkness around
if i could fall like the rain, i would clear the air of dirt and allow you some comfort
if i were snow, i'd fall early and bring the holidays to you
if i were a cupcake, i'll be vanilla sunshine

renewal

Yes! Finally, I am cleared for uhmm...basta am cleared for this whatever I have to be cleared for. I the LTO renewal centers at malls around the metro. This one I got sa SM Hypermart beside Tiendesitas...

Well, wala lang. Just wanna gloat over the fact that I got it in less than an hour, no lines at all.

Notes: I badly need a haircut. I was wearing pambahay t-shirt for my DL picture but who cares? And yep, am turning 32 next month so ihanda ang regalo.

Oh, and did I say I am now cleared for...uhmmm..yeah I did :-)

so welcome

So. Will it happen or will it not? Ambivalence...am so used to it already :-)

Anyway, I got some surprising warm feelings yesterday. Of all people, from a security guard. Well not just any security guard, it's the same old guard at my previous condo.

For the first time in almost half a year, I parked at my old parking spot at that building. Manong guard opened the gate for me and said, "Welcome back, sir."

It's not the words but the way he said it; it's as if he was relieved I was back. Well, hardly, as I am only using the parking since it's been paid for 'till end of the year. I can't quite put it, but I getting that kind of welcome makes me feel really glad to be back.

Ah maybe it's the holiday season, spreading good cheers to everyone.I'll take that everyday if I could.

to Broody

I love you.

Today more than yesterday. Tomorrow more than today.

*sigh*

to batman

May you sleep well tonight
Cry yourself to sleep, go on
But sleep well
For tomorrow is going to be better
For tomorrow is here soon enough

Go on and love him
Love him deeply, love him still
But let him go, set him free
Set yourself free

Grieve in silence, grieve in turmoil
Allow yourself the luxury
Do it now, let him go
Begin the healing
Time promises to do the rest

Love will be found, it can never be hidden
Soon, you will open your heart
For now, heal
For now, sleep

to my friend batman

Follow Through

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?
I, haven't felt like this in so many moons
You know what I mean
And we can build through this destruction
As we are standing on our feet

So, since you wanna be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through

These reeling emotions they just keep me alive
They keep me in tune
Oh, look what I‘m holding here in my fire
This is for you
Am I too obvious to preach it
You're so hypnotic on my heart

So, since you wanna be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through

The words you say to me are unlike anything
That's ever been said
oh what you do to me is unlike anything
That's ever been
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You're so hypnotic on my heart

So since you wanna be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I'll see you everyday

So since you wanna be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
You're gonna have to follow

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?

by gavin degraw

(Nice To Meet You) Anyway

by Gavin DeGraw, Chariot

I don't want to get too close
I don't want to get too close
You see this isn't where my head is
If you knew me I'm not like this
But I just found someone special
And that's really something special
If you knew me
Nice to meet you anyway

I belive you're very fine
Still I haven't got the time
'Cause I just found someone special
And that's really something special
If you knew me
Nice to meet you anyway

And the sky opened up
With the soil of the sun
Dreaming of my true love

I don't mean to be so strange
But my life just took a change
'Cause I just found someone special
And that's really something special
If you knew me
Nice to meet you anyway

And the sky opened up
With the soil of the sun
Dreaming of my true love

So before this goes too far
Let me tell you what you are
You're amazing, I'm attracted
But I'm terribly distracted
And I'm trying to be verbal
And I'm back into this circle
Because I just found someone special
And that's really something special
If you knew me
Nice to meet you

Nice to meet you
Nice to meet you anyway [x4]

And even if you want me to stay here
I'm telling you right now
I should leave
Before I get to changing my mind, dear
I hope you understand what I mean

on why i read comics

Because of the great plot, cute superheroes and sexy outfits.

And because of lines like this:

"We do not have the luxury of time, nor the occasion for nobility. At this point, we are not fighting for the philosophy of a cause, a hope or a dream. We are fighting for our very survival. And if we do not fight to win, this planet will be irrevocably lost to us!"

 - Fatal Attractions

revenge of the konyo

Somewhere in a place called Cubao...

Boy: where's that ukay-ukay thing?
Boyfriend: i know it's somewhere there's kotse-kotse traffic.


Some street in a place called Cubao...

Boy: look o, that mama  is sooooo undisciplined a taxi driver...
Boyfriend: *boink*

measure half a year

and wishing for more than a lifetime...

*learned Pusoy Dos, played well for a first timer.
*a game of scrabble with bended rules
*rubbing sand on my feet
*played Gameboy for the first time
*cupcakes, cupcakes and more cupcakes
*plus donuts and bagels
*Marvel and DC comics
*Gellert and Albus
*the difference between bribing the government and a private company
*boinking and tripping on the stairs at the bookstore

*sigh*

on why i do road trips

Life for sure is never boring. Change happens. It never fails, though its subjects sometimes do.

Life makes us just as tough or soft, enough to make us survive. Make us too hard and we fail. Make us too soft and we crumble. The bad news is that the formula always works only for one - no two people go through the same experiences and come out ever the same. What worked for one will probably fail for another.

The good news is that life is always about choices. Every road has a turn, sometimes a junction, sometimes a dead-end. I used to think the end game is the point of it all, so you make the choice at the very beginning where to be at in the future. However, if you set your sights too much at the destination, you miss out on the small twists and turns. You'll miss the journey. You might arrive at your intended destination and wonder how and why you got there in the first place. Or worse, you find the place to be empty and you start wishing you where some place else.

Someone once asked me, what if you reach a fork in the road and realize you just wasted your time? To which I said, it's my time to waste. The truth is, I've started to love the journey, I've fallen in love with the road and its twists and turns. So what if the end is a dead end? So what if we diverge at the end?

Yes, the destination is important. But just as important is my decision to take on the journey. It's my choice to make. If only for the experience this journey will bless me, I won't come home empty handed. At the end of it all, I know it was my choice that led me to where I finally find myself at. I will remember the turns I took. I will commit to memory the peculiarities of the road - the ditches and the potholes and the rain that fell in between stops and washed away the dust in the air.

At the end of the journey, I will always remember the one who sat beside me in the passenger seat, the one who helped me navigate the tricky terrain. The one whose smile kept me up, whose hands I held most of the time. The one who reminded me to go slower to enjoy the view, the one who asked to open the windows to feel the cold air.

The one who made the journey worth many times more than any destination. And if it's the same person I can come home to in the end...not bad at all.

push the button

There. I pushed the "send" button. I am keeping mum until it's time to break the news.

Message sent. Card drawn. Die cast.

Interesting. Next 5 days will be the quietest ever. Calm before the storm?

best

Found the best coffee on the planet, and it's being served 250 kilometers north of Manila...

Kaffee Klatsch...

everlasting search

I've always wondered what the plant that produces the everlasting buds...

Still an unsuccessful search so far.

gestures that mean something

Huge is me giving you a key to my place.

Much bigger, though, is you using that key.

It wasn't such a bad week, afterall.

some sappy dialogue

To the question of the searcher, "If we were stranded in bad weather and got a single room with only one bed, what do you think would we end up doing...?"

Searcher # 3 answered:

"We talk....At night when the lights are out, people tell each other things they'd never tell each other during the day. I want to hear everything - about your childhood, favorite color, what you want from a man, what you want from life...."

Guess who won.....

really weird day

You know I'm really having a very bad day when I cry over scenes of a supposedly-funny teen series that went off-the-air after 43 episodes. I used to, and still do, love this show...

How else will I explain this?

Truth be told...am having more than a bad day...it's turning out to be a very bad week. Started with my friends bailing out on the Baguio trip, plus some really negative vibes at work that make me want to do remote-daily (as opposed to my usual remote Fridays)...add to that my stupid insurer seemed to have mixed up some things they're now denying coverage on some of Halle's vital and expensive accessories, which ended with me dropping the L-word (nope, not what you think...I meant lawyer...) Hey they got my money for the past 3 years without hearing anything from me.

Speaking of lawyers...or law students....crunch time for finals week. Good luck na lang. Promised to get out of the way and am almost able to do that. Few more days...

A piece of good news though - remember my missing cleaning guy? He's back! About time. And my place is ready for a good scrub.

take 5

nosey rabbit fell down the hole

No I'm not. Really.

It's just that even if I try not to process the information coming in, like pieces of a puzzle they come together and form patterns that look, well, clear and obvious. So I try to ignore the patterns, but then, when the mossaic's completely shown in front of you, without any effort on your part, it counts for something. You can't keep your eyes shut forever.

I've been lied to. Yeah, somehow I knew all along, but I decided to not keep asking questions and let the matter rest. It gave me some false sense of peace.

Unfortunately, peace is temporary, the illusion shattered by one seemingly honest and innocent remark that started with "Oh, did you know....?" I knew, but as always, I ignored and erred on the side of, well, friendship and trust.

Still, I am a rabbit and I try to keep the peace. I didn't want to probe for fear of disrupting the balance and harmony of my world. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, as they say. It doesn't bother me much, really, as it would have bothered me more if I were the one creating all these webs of lies and deceit. Besides, what would have happened if the truth were told early on? Nothing.

That's not true. I would have appreciated the honesty. I would have applauded the integrity. And more importantly, the truth would have spared me from doubting.

It would have set me free.

before i sleep

I'll consider Darnel's advice on how to improve my sleeping habits....

*home is home. Bringing work home is a no-no.

*caffeine does not exist.

*do yoga.

I was hoping he'd give me an alternative to Melatonin or a prescription for Stilnox....

funnity again

Several things.....

*imagine your first asking you for relationship advice.

*4 out of 7 is 57.14285% ....statistically speaking, that's a lot...engineering school takes on a whole new meaning given the boys as the sample...

*Count one out, one uncertain, and a girl and two couples and you have...? yep, wonderful wonderful break!!!

*I ditched several already, and by the looks of it, my calendar doesnt have any more weddings I will attend this year (ditching 2 more)....Wow, a year without weddings.

* and on a really boring night, I rediscover CYBERSTALKING. Sunshine, you'll be so proud of me...what can I say - I learned from the best !

friends who stay

and friends who go....

...been contemplating writing something about friends who know and friends who don't yet know, and those who knew and decided to stay away.

It started with R asking whether he should tell D. Refer to previous blog - D is a college friend who recently had his second child. We, the boys, are ninongs for his first. Well, R is itching to tell D and the boys have different stands (obviously).

Then there's my chat with Jon, who said he'd lost some friends along the way. I am fortunate, that most friends who now know remain my friends. I may have lost a few, but the ones who stayed are enough. They're all I needed.

Of course, there's the matter of those who have yet to know. I guess there's a pecking order to these things, call it level of friendship (to borrow Sunshine's). So I wonder, if D is a good enough friend to have us stand as godparents to his firstborn, level of friendship says he has to know.

So I support R for his wanting to tell D about himself, despite the protestations of M and K, who, by the way, both think R's coming out to D is tantamount to their own. I disagreed, of course, although something tells me it's more about me wanting D to know about me by association; that would make it easier for me to break the news this time, though am uncertain after this point if he'd like to hear it at all.

And if D stays away after finding out? I can't speak for the boys but I've said it - I have enough. Icing on the cake.

Word of caution: timing is everything.

dirty dozen before

We've been friends for almost 12 years. We've gotten close enough for D to make us his firstborn's godparents.

The question on everyone's mind is.....

........is it time yet?

We'll see. An hour from now and we're reuniting, after a 2-year break from the usual meetups on holidays and that occassional Friday-nights-with-the-boys.

More later...

stampede

Now am worried.

It wasn't the first time, but last night was the worst because I had the instinct to just run away from the crowd.

Was at the mall with Broody to meet up with friends, M actually celebrating his 31st birthday with pizza instead of the cookout. Maybe it' s the immediate cancellation of the cookout plans, maybe it's the not-so-friendly atmosphere of that corner F&H store, but whatever it is it made me fear the crowd while walking towards the pizza parlor.

I thought all these people are rushing towards me on a stampede. I almost panicked and ran.

No way...am not turning into an agoraphobic, am I?

and yet another test

What Kind of Guy Will You Fall For?
	You would fall part for the geek. If you're looking for love, consider spending a little more time studying up in the library. To you, there's nothing more attractive than intelligence, shyness, and kindness; your future love may have four eyes and zero social skills, but he'll make up for it in brains and heart.
	You would fall part for the gentleman. Keep an eye out for your love at your next formal or field trip to the opera. Watch out for bad boys who walk on the inside of the curb and don't hold the door for you, and you'll end up with the guy who's suave, sophisticated, and classy through-and-through.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

another test

Which Harry Potter Character Are You?
	You are Hermione. You're a bookworm always in search of answers. When pressed, however, you can always be counted on to put away the books and help your friends.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

because i am sucker for tests

Which Pixar Character Are You?
	You are part Nemo. Your are the rebel in the group. You do things differently, not because you think they should be done that way, but because your Mommy told you not to do such "bad" things. This is cool if you ask us, and we are pretty sure your friends agree.
	You are part Dory. You are naive and gullible. Wait, that's a good thing. Your ability to trust any stranger is a trait not many people have, but be more cautious next time a stranger offers to buy you lunch or you might find yourself in a fishy situation.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

mangga at bagoong

Like a kid in a candy store..yes, that's how Broody is when at a Jelly Belly store. I didn't know they have recipes, and funny though it may be the first time, it's fun...hmmm teka, fun and funny are not the same, are they?

Anyway, Sunday's coasting well. Playing some DVDs (Devil Wears Prada...thank goodness for my new player). Everything's on schedule - Jen's flight back to Manila, my de-cluttering my place for her welcome home dinner (green mangoes & bagoong on the table), texting, writing blogs, hmm, laundry is a bit delayed.

More things to-do: workout, hard disk shopping at Gilmore, grocery shopping with the boys, and window shopping for a new set of t-shirts.

Am having a fun day today...dapat lang, life needs balance. Today is fun day.

Wiktionary

Maybe if I know the exact meaning of the word, I'd be able to use it as intended:

flirtation:
Playing at courtship; coquetry.

courtship:
The act of paying court, with the intent to solicit a favor.
The act of wooing in love; solicitation of woman to marriage.
Courtliness; elegance of manners; courtesy.
Court policy; the character of a courtier; artifice of a court; court-craft; finesse.

coquetry:
Attempts to attract admiration, notice, or love, for the mere gratification of vanity; affectation of amorous tenderness; trifling in love; flirtation.

untangle me, again

This is me....

I keep a plant by the window, and rotate it by 90 degrees every other day to prevent it from following the sun just one way. I water it every other day. I talk to it, though in whispers. I re-potted it mid-August, right after the Patch-up, and how I wish it'd start to grow now that it's getting the better attention it deserves.

I sleep when the sun is about to rise. Irony is that I can't sleep once the sun is up, so I have to shut my eyes at the right time or else I won't at all. Melatonin gives me headaches.

I hate dust. I am allergic to dust. I use this as an excuse not to clean up.

I drink coffee more than I drink water. Explains why I look dehydrated and nervy. I love instant coffee. I love sugar. Technically, I won't call it having coffee but having sugar.

I hate doing groceries. I don't do grocery lists. I usually end up with a headache when grocery shopping.

I listen to Madonna as much as I listen to Duncan Sheik and watch CNN's Anderson Cooper. I support piracy. I buy music from iTunes. I borrow books, and lend magazines.

In addition to my coffee/sugar addiction, I am a sucker for urgency...I look at my SMS and email alerts every minute. I respond to text messages within seconds. That tells you I expect the same, and that if I do not respond right away I haven't decided what to say.

I love working out, though I am lazy sometimes. I run on the treadmill like crazy, and do crazy abs workouts that get both confused smiles and attentive looks at the gym. I do hanging leg raised. Sideway crunches. Core exercises.

I am friends with my ex-es, though not in a let's-have-coffee-and-a-movie-once-a-week kind of friendly. That would simply be weird, considering we're dating someone one way or the other.

I played cupid several times. Not successful at all. Would have given up a long time ago, but once in a while I still try to play matchmaker. Ever the romantic, I guess.

I believe in motives and intentions, kind or cruel they exist. The company I keep is diverse and varied - though they all have one thing in common - honesty.

I care a lot. Sometimes too much. I am jealous. I try to keep my head down, yet I yearn for attention and recognition.

I know sacrifice. I know hardship. I know heartache. I know happiness. I know fear. I know regret. I know loss. I know hope.

I have lived, and died, and lived again. Same is true for love and hate. I am human, a proud one.

This is me.

system down

"Fault tolerant, my ass...can somebody tell these people what this means? ! ! ! "

More or less that's what I said when the servers went down an hour after we started tonight's shift. Anyway, after cooling down a bit I realized the wonder of the situation - I could actually spend time having coffee at Starbucks in Emerald and not worry about the emails that keep on coming, mostly complaints about tonight that I am just cc'd to. So I started texting.

Unfortunately for me, P're isn't buckling to my charms tonight. I would have called Sunshine but...wag na lang. Since everybody at work are so windang with what's happening, I figured it best to just keep my head lower and blog about nothing and everything.

So I blog away...

dirt

i luv dis show.

untangle me

Looking out of my window, I see dark clouds steadily forming in the horizon, threatening to bring another afternoon or even evening of heavy rains. From the time I put down the phone talking to one of my best friends to the time I realized the need to write again, the skies turned so dark it feels like night has fallen.

Then I sneezed and realized I have yet to be done with my weeklong expectorant therapy (whatever that means). I still have three chapters of that new Michael Crichton paperback Next. I still have dozens of Will & Grace episodes to watch. I still have tons of paperwork to accomplish. I still have to see my family. I still have to meet and have coffee with my friends whom I haven't seen in a while.

I still have to clean up my place, it's been almost 2 months since I moved in and the closest I've been to cleaning up is washing the dishes. My cleaning guy has been missing for months now, though I am not losing hope he'd come around and need extra income and volunteer to clean my place and wash my car. Incidentally, my car hasn't been washed in weeks, and I am beginning to find the scent of my interiors unappealling. I still have to bring Halle in for her repairs, since that minor accident I had on my way home from Tagaytay..Seems like years ago. How time flies.

Jen's arriving this Sunday, and it feels good to have her near for advice once more. It's been 3 months since she set out for the grand vacation. Of course, we kept in touch all these weeks, but I miss my friend whom I call Honey and cuddle with and hold hands with when we are at the mall.

I miss her level-headedness. Her ability to spank me figuratively, her kindness in dealing with me without being too patronizing or being too clinical. I am a child compared to her, though she never treated me like one.

It's complicated. It's not easy. I've heard it before, so what's different now?

Oh, the skies are beginning to clear, and the rain didn't come. Why oh why, eh I love it when it rains.

** the words

Have you ever found yourself at loss for words to describe whatever it is you feel at one time or the other, yet you use words to describe your feelings anyway because not to say anything is worse than filling out the meaning with inappropriate words?

Sometimes I envy those who can describe how they feel precisely as they feel it. Sad when they are sad. Happy when they are happy. Bothered when they are bothered, confused when they are confused. Angry for angry. Miffed for miffed.

I keep on forgetting that saying nothing because you do not feel anything, or not saying anything because the right words elude you at the moment, is OK. That it does not mean you don't want to talk about it. That saying "I don't know" does not make you incapable of communicating what you feel. That saying "maybe" doesn't make you indecisive.

That sometimes, no matter how remote the possibility is, being silent need not be a bad thing. Only because you have nothing to say. Only because you have no opinion. That doesn't make you any less than you already are.

scrapping the bottom of the barrel

I have to stop:

- thinking too far ahead in the future, as there are more things to be concerned about in the present and even in the past.

- worrying about the opinion of others, and start worrying about my opinion of myself.

- finding happiness from somewhere other than inside me.

- apologizing for who I am.

- hating myself.

And I have to start loving me more.

lost in the ER

I have this standing arrangement with Sunshine, that if and when she has a medical emergency I'd be the first person on her speed dial and I'll be the one to bring her to Makati Med. My one prayer is that this wouldn't ever happen.

I, for one, do not have someone on speed dial for emergencies. The closest candicate would be Darnel, since he'd proven a reliable resource when I have car troubles. Or my brother-in-law. But both live at least an hour away from me, so I am hopeless. Not that my friends wouldn't be rushing to my aid when I call them to, but seriously the ones who can come to me fast enough are either now living farther or, sadly, not easily reached by mobile phone.

Tonight I had to bring my friend Batman, who is suffering from hypertension, to Medical City. Of course, the situation isn't so serious, though scary for me since I really do know what to do if something worse would happen (like her passing out on me). I never really liked hospitals and to be honest, I sucked at taking control of the situation. After dropping her off to the ER I couldn't even find my way to the waiting room, nor the room where they had to keep her while managing her condition. All I am able to do is get out of the basement parking and find a Starbucks near the lobby and wait for her call. I have this crazy idea that you can't use cellular phones inside hospitals as the signal might interfere with life-saving machines, that me making a call to my friend to find her might cause the death of two other patients whose respirators might have stopped working due to interference. Crazy.

As the person on your speed dial for medical emergencies, I know I will suck big time. I don't even know if I could rise to the occassion and provide assistance more than driving you to the ER. When it comes to hospitals, I get all blank and useless. That's why I seldom visit sick friends, and so far the most I was able to do is to visit friends who just gave birth, but even that takes major effort.

Nothing beats asking questions, though it does not help that hospital personnel aren't as friendly as the baristas at Starbucks. They look at you as if you were crazy when you ask them where the waiting room for the ER is. And the guards look at you with suspicion when you have passed their station 3 times and still have no clue where the waiting room is.

Still, some things needed to be done and in these cases, one has to keep a strong will and a stronger heart. It helps that there's the familiar Starbucks. And those marble stools right between the coffeeshop and the hospital lobby. I wonder why they only have 3 tables and 12 chairs at Starbucks here, when there must be scores of people like me who needed to wait but can't bear to stand within 10 meters of a hospital bed?

So I wait, drink on one hand, Blackberry on the other, writing about tonight, observing, trying to absorb it all. Some attendants don't look at all that bad, some even hot if not for the circumstance that is tonight.

All I am waiting for, really, is that signal from Broody to let me know I can now say goodnight. It would be days before we'll see each other, and I am missing him badly. This makes me miss him more, and while I am helping out a friend in need, am ever more wishing to be anywhere but here. I guess I am just not used to this, given that this depressing scene I've almost forgotten: there was a time I spent more time in hospitals than at home, and I'd rather not be reminded of that sad period of my life.

But I think remembering will help me realize how good life had been, how precious my health is. Remembering gives me another chance to look at how far I've come, and how I have been neglecting my health. After all, nobody but my parents expect me to live past grade four. Well, some kids grow out of it, really.

I wish better health for this friend of mine. And for all the people I care about.

itchy bitsy spider

It started with the all-in-one DVD player that's surprisingly so cheap I would have bought extra for my parents if they're not that totally clueless about new gadgets (they'll get my old player instead)...I almost got that flat TV along with it.

Am having this itch once more to throw money away for consumer goods that I think I wanted (but not needed)...like a pair of Adidas running shoes...like that portable external HD where I plan to put all my files and music and porn...like more underwear and t-shirts and those incredibly sexy jeans from Samuel & Kevin. I also feel the need for a new phone, though honestly my use for a phone right now is limited to emails and sms. Twice I almost got my 3rd SE P990i if not for that voice in my head saying the iPhone is going to be available here in a few months anyway.

Plus Rye gave me that idea about getting discounts on that skin care program - said we might have it cheaper if we get it together...hmmm plus lots of stuff I wanted to just accumulate. Am even thinking of a new Outlander for next year...

Teka lang...control, control...

kicking out this addiction

Today is a non-Saturday.

What to do? What not to do?

Aha! DVD hunting...errands...nails and foot spa...telebabad...maybe even TonTon....

and eat all the bagels I have in one pass.

Life is all about adaptation.

am so gonna buy pirated DVDs

Yep, seen some episodes of 6-degrees and Ugly Betty over cable and guess what, I'm searching full season DVDs. I know, I know, these are kind of old shows. Well, so is Will & Grace.

Need a new player...a pirated one, too. That thing they use to "test" your copy, yah know. Anyway, my JVC player is old and needed to retire, as it does not consistently play pirated discs - yeah, mine seems to play only originals. So. Time to go.

This post? Nothing, really. My first time to cross-post from M to B; used to write first under Blogger then pull them up over to Multiply. This time I'm doing the reverse. Let's see what happens.

Someone's blog interested me enough to keep on reading. I needed to figure out how to customize my site the same way he did, like put a picture over  the main page that serves like a template that goes with everything. I am so gonna need Sunshine's expertise on customizing...

Hmm fried chicken too salty. Yuck.
Love Ellen.
Need to write that copy.

And my horoscope says I should be my own boss today....and avoid asking my boss for any favors. Well, I won't then. Not today. I will work alone and keep to myself. 

Oh, I wonder if Cupcakes date is on?

Need to workout, need my endorphins, too. And need to figure out if that's the celeb Marco AA I've been seeing at the gym late afternoons.

Hmmm..

funnity

Well, it was Carla who termed it, I guess. I read her blog regularly, just to keep up-to-date...

Anyway, it's fun. Listening to people who know nothing about what they were talking about. Yeah, one can pass off as an expert by mouthing the right words. Empty words, but effective in convincing another who's more ignorant than the one talking.

What can be funnier than listening to chimps talk IT stuff? No offense to my hairy brothers....sabagay, as long as someone else buys it, who's to say a monkey talking IT is funny when another person listens and nods intently?

Somehow, there's always one below us, and one above us. I guess you're never on your new low or at your new high....at any given time you're only on your new middle.

eeewww

Eeeewww....erase, erase.

Strong mental image, need to shake it off. Pucha. No...no...eewww.

There's a perfectly good reason why being a gentleman means being mum about it. To protect kids like me from images that will forever leave a scar on our psyche.

Buset. I shouldn't have asked. No matter how cool or grown-uppy I pretend, I couldn't shake it off now. Eeew.

Gentlemen don't tell...
.............and they don't ask. I guess I wasn't one, not tonight anyway.

360 na lang

Erap got convicted yesterday morning.

Took M to get some restful sleep and didn't bother to put the alarm. Got the news thru SMS from Broody. Heck, kind of expected it so turned the news on few hours later, since I wanted to get more sleep.

Six years and a guilty verdict? It would have been sweet victory had it happened sooner (whatever the outcome, that is). Sweeter if Ate Glo wasn't the beneficiary of our efforts to throw him out.

I wonder...are we really better off now? Why do I get this feeling that we're still being plundered left and right?

Hmmpft....babad na lang kay Anderson Cooper.

Yep...he is.

freeze-ables

I ran out of Broody's freeze-ables so I had to buy fast food. Am so tamad to thaw chicken and cook something. Buti na lang may Chowking.

Chao fan and stir-fried Kangkong...yummy.

Can't wait for remote Fridays...and maybe a Cupcakes date tonight? Sana weekend na...

Ahh may the wind blow our way.

i would have wanted

It doesn't make me happy...that one of your bubbles burst once more.
It doesn't make me proud...that I've known it would happen soon enough.
I would have wanted to be the one proven wrong.

It makes me sad, that you had to go through that to realize some truths about this brave new world you've moved in. I would have wanted my word to be enough to describe all the colors of the rainbow, but you had to see. Such is the price of knowledge, such is the cost of experience.

But I am relieved, somehow. That it happened that way. That my worst, extreme fears are just that, imagination of a dirty old mind. That it was a gentle bursting. That it was timely.

still can't find the words

But at least, I can work on this with some extra time, knowing that the competition doesn't really stand a chance to what I can offer.

That's me being humble. No wonder their copy got rejected one time too many. And he doesn't have the heart to tell them to scoot or die?

Hmmmm. 

i love you

From across the room, all I want to do is reach out and hold you. I know you are real, and yet this constant need to touch you and be assured of your presence is always there.

There were times when I allow my fears take over, for a while.It is your love that kept me going all those times. I belong to you. And you to me.

Forever is something we might never agree on. For now, the present is enough, the nearest future something to look forward to. Beyond that, who knows?

I love you for your kindness, your courage, your beauty.

I love how you can make me laugh by the simplest of gestures, like that growl with the hands formed into a tiger's claws.

I love you touching me, resting your head on my shoulders and saying you missed me.

I love you for your thirst to understand, to learn, to know.

I love you for your words that made me laugh, and those that made me cry, and those words that made me dream again.

I love you for your optimism and idealism, and for your humility to accept things that were and things that are.

That I love you deeply.

That I found you when I least expected to.

And even though the wind may sometimes not blow our way, I thank the universe for gift that is YOU.

weirdness

How much more weird could it get...

...my past

...my recent

...my present

all in the same place at the same time.

WEIRD isn't even gonna cut it.

when you can't find the words

I am supposed to write a copy for a brochure that the company would be producing in time for that big conference in Florida this September. Content only, that's what he said. Today's the deadline for the whole thing and I can't find the words.

Yes, am having a problem writing the first few lines that will give me a jumpstart. I used to do this at will - accept the assignment, walk around the office searching for the words to start me off writing, then sit down and type. And type I will until the first draft is done..but now...

Damn! It's not easy losing that streak you thought would never leave you. I guess I've been away too long. I guess I've been asleep too long.

You see, I'd rather write about whatever's going on in my head than whatever's going on in the business. I'd rather write about how I feel when my phone calls aren't being answered. I'd rather rant about being shut out. I'd rather do something I wanted to do, rather than do something I had to do.

There are times when I wish my life is as simple as when I was a kid, when worries about deadlines are limited to school projects and missed tv shows. Then I realize this: when I was a kid, I wished that I'd be a grown up and worry about what grownups worry about.

It's always easy sitting at the other side of the fence and wish that you were there instead of here.

runner's high

Broody calls it his time for endorphins. I call it my cure for depression.

And though I've known and experienced it long before I knew him, it's only now that I am really getting it. Yes, endorphins can lift you like no other drugs can.

I am talking about working out, making your body produce those chemicals that generally promote feelings of well-being. I used to say I run for dope, going for that runner's high. So true.

So on days that I feel down, the hardest part is dragging my ass 9 floors down to the gym. The effects are almost instantaneous - a few minutes up my usual cardio/warmup cycle and it's as if the world becomes a brighter place.

Now I have remedy for feeling down, all I have to find is remedy for being lazy.

the words of guru jen

"Sometimes we have this weird tendency..we do those hurtful things to ourselves because we wanted to prove we are right about our evil suspicions..right about things that we know for certain will hurt us the most...Isn't that insanity?

"Remember, the amount of love other people can give you can only be equal to how much you love yourself.

"So the bottom line, try to love deeply and believe more in your goodness...only then will you allow someone to love you with all his heart."

Oh, amen.

and we turn 4 on Tuesday

Wow.

You have stolen my heart...

Robbie turned 4 yesterday

and he wants a car, a real one, this time....

last year he wanted a motorcycle and got it.

i wanted him to have a puppy. i wonder what's on for his 5th?

grumpy sundays

Sundays have always been difficult for me. I tend to be sad or feel alone on Sundays, especially Sunday afternoons. There are exceptions, of course, but the general rule would be if it's a Sunday, Mopey must be grumpy and sad.

I can only theorize why...I believe I have associated Sundays with sad experiences in my life. Sad but not necessarily bad experiences.

As a grade student I hated Sundays because it meant tomorrow will be Monday, when school becomes the focus of my week.

As a high school student, I dreaded Sundays because it meant leaving home for science high school.

As a kid, I hated Sundays because Dad will be leaving us to work at a remote area and we have no idea when he's going to back, although it seemed certain that next Saturday he'll come home to stay for another night.

I've had too many heart break episodes on Sundays. I won't even attempt to enumerate, but it seems they all happen more on Sundays than any other day of the week.

Nowadays I try not to dwell on the madness of Sundays. It helps that I have my friends to turn to, spending time with them over dinner and coffee. So on Sundays I seek my friends for a get-together, a little chat and a quick massage. I am happy I have you guys.

And recently, in addition to my Sunday remedy for sadness and grumpyness, I have Broody. I look forward to sharing cupcakes and watching dog walkers at Boni High Street, conversing about matters of our lives, our fears and insecurities, our hopes and dreams, and even little things too mundane to write about here. We may not be totally in synch with everything (who is?) but at least we talk about it openly.

And even though we sometimes snap and say things we didn't really mean but say anyway because we are too tired, too lazy or too weary, we can always look forward to hearing the other side and understanding each other, forgiving and being forgiven, and loving each other more each passing day.

bagel love

I am so hungry this hour I took a bagel and spread cream cheese liberaly all over it. Yummy. Filling. I don't know why I am this hungry, given that Broody fed me with enough turmeric rice and that delicious pork recipe a few hours back. It feels good, really good - having him around, cooking us dinner. What I'd give to have this arrangement more often, daily if possible. Believe me, home-cooked food is only the second reason why I am feeling this good.

Tomorrow we'll have a cook out with my college buddies - well, just a few Filipino dishes that Regol and Kim planned weeks before, when Kim and I were plotting a major reconciliation for Manny and Regol - these two have not been talking for more than a month now. The plan was to not let Regol know Manny is coming, but later on Kim and I relented and decided it best to ask Regol how he feels about all these. Tentatively he's okay with it, so Kim and I were safe in the lying department.

On my second bagel now. I decided to stay at home instead of going to the office, since most of the things I need to do can be done remotely. Broody's left 2 hours before, and the place is a bit sad now that he's left. Looking forward to breakfast and that oatmeal congee.

Bored looking at outbound stats, I chanced upon HB's blog and decided to read thru his life's stories. Well, HB isn't a personal acquaintance, mind you, and I only got to know him because of Rye. I knew his stories because he told Rye most of it, and Rye told me all of it.

Anyway, while I've known for weeks that he'd broken up with my namesake-without-the-H, I am still curious what really happened. So I read and read.

Apparently, this time, it was HB who cheated - with a friend. Which kind of bothers me. For one, I knew HB was so much in love with my namesake-without-the-H that he's done things only a saint and a martyr could have done. Of the 3 years they spent together, it was almost always HB who does the forgiving. It surprised me that this time, it is he who needed forgiving.

I've never had breakups because someone cheated, to be honest. So I really cannot judge much of HB's situation. I know people who have been cheated on, and how they damned the "3rd" party to the depths of hell. For some, the 3rd party was a friend. In HB's case, yes, the 3rd party was "their" friend.

Which brings me to this - is it always like that? Is friendship the natural vehicle to break an already established romantic relationship? One could argue that the friend isn't really a friend if that happened, or that the romantic relationship isn't strong enough in the first place.

But isn't it that in courtship, almost always, friendship becomes a starting point?

I need another bagel.

someone's out to get me

How much original glazed Krispy Kreme donuts can I eat before nausea sets in?

Apparently, 6 and a bite. That's how many I munched on before I started wondering why the word "Answering" looks and feels misspelled yet my spelling check isn't flagging it as such.

That's when I knew I ate too much. I can't help it, not when someone stupid enough did something that caused production to halt for the night, possibly for more nights to come. I can't believe a keystroke could make my life difficult, not when I am not the one who did the pressing. If it were a nuclear launch button the world could have been melted by now.

Well, there's no cure for stupidity. There's no cure for incompetence.

Ay meron....YOU'RE FIRED! That is what I will say the moment I find out who did this.

If only I can have him or her face a real firing squad...

busy baby

Baby steps. That's what I do when I feel overwhelmed by the enormity of a certain task or a situation I find myself in. I try to take baby steps. Slowly, a bit wobbly, but surely taking the direction where I needed to be. It does not matter how slow or how many steps I had to make. It does not matter if I do not reach my destination today, or maybe not tomorrow. What matters is I am taking small steps to the right direction.

So today, in the middle of one of the many wonderful weekends I am blessed with so far, I take baby steps to tackle the overwhelming backlog of work created by recent downtimes and network issues. Totally not my fault, just one of those things that happen because there's a problem somewhere in some hemisphere. The world has become so interconnected it is impossible not to be affected by a butterfly flapping its wings in China and the hurricane that resulted from its ripples magnified across continents. That I am in one of the top offshoring destinations in the world only ensures that I get to be affected by one little hiccup made in Uncle Sam's land.

So I take one step at a time. One report at a time. One data at a time. I know it's going to take much longer to finish everything, and I do not and will not try to tackle all these at once. But I take one at a time. Maybe in a few days I'll have several small accomplishments that would count towards finishing the bigger task.

Ah it's all good, though. It's the little things that make my days even more wonderful, regardless of the difficulties of work and life in general. Thank goodness for life's little pleasures (like the best cupcakes in the world or the happy movie-musicals and online reservations), and thanks to the universe for allowing me to share these with someone very very special.

Today

When I woke up this morning, I promised myself that laughter will be my medicine. So much going on, it would have been so easy to succumb to the usual stresses of my day.

Hence the bits and pieces of funny conversations I hear around me.

I realize I can only be excused for being sad and needy for so long. Sooner or later I will have to take responsibility for my own happiness. And that includes the inevitable choice of embracing feelings that tip the balance - sadness, being alone, sorrow - to the dark side, so to speak.

So today, I choose to be happy. I am happy.

Conversations: SUN of Batman

Batman: Kainis, friend.
Robin: O bakit na naman

Batman: Eh kasi, buti pa ang SUN, nagtetext sa akin every 10 minutes. Yung asawa ko, dedma.
Robin: ha?

Batman: Ayan o, 76 messages na.
Robin: Eh ano sabi...

Batman: eto basahin mo...

Message from Sun Cellular: Your balance is 0.00 pesos. Please reload immediately.

Conversations: batman and robin

yesterday...

batman: friendship, why are you sad?
robin: ewan ko ba, basta sad lang ako today
batman: naku friendship, embrace mo lang yan. tapos detox ka
robin: ha? pano detox?
batman: eh di cry it out
robin: eh pano nga
batman: watch sad movies, like A Beautiful Life or What dreams may come
batman: anything that will make you cry, basta iiyak mo yan para mawala
robin: eh sad yung movies na yan e
batman: kaya nga.
batman: pero friendship, okay lang yan na sad ka
robin: at baket?
batman: that's balance. hindi naman pwede na masaya ka lagi di ba?


12 hours later...

batman: friend!!! nakakaloka. stressed na stressed ako
robin: tara detox tayo
batman: ay ayaw ko mag-detox friend...
robin: why?
batman: eh kasi pagnagdedetox ako, after ko magdetox, balik ako sa office, stressed na ulet
robin: kala ko ba balance
batman: hay oo nga, pero basta sayang ang detox ko dahil work stresses me out
robin: kase naman fitness na tayo
batman: ayaw...mahal

the ring bearer has landed

J T : hey
me : hey ate
J T : i got the bands, arrived today
me : really? great! can't wait
J T : yep on my way to the airport
me : ate have a safe flight
J T : see yah

That's the best news I've heard so far last Sunday, given that I'm being my usual grumpy Sunday self. Grumpy and needy.

It's actually quite a surprise, that the status bands would arrive in time for Jon's flight. We're not even sure if the order went thru given that Kimmy tried ordering and got nothing. Funny...Jon and Kimmy ordering the TAKEN bands for Broody and Mopey...guess who the ring bearers are?

An hour or so after touch down and our status bands are on their rightful places. And the ring bearer stuffed with Chowking crispy noodles. Well, not much fan fare there, just as we like it.

After all, these bands didn't come easy. Allow us to take our sweet time.

Mopey and Broody ...more

It is a wonderful feeling. To be surrounded by people who love us, who believe in us, who care enough to tell us what we really needed to hear.

Thank you for your kindness, your understanding, and your love.

my piece

We have said I am sorry.
We have said I love you.
But we have never said I forgive you.

I do.

question #2

If silence is a sign of agreement, can it also be a sign of dissent?

 

ahead of our time, a salute

With everything that's been happening, I forgot that last night was supposed to be the birthday dinner of one of my high school best friends - it was also her baby shower for she's due at month's end. Receiving her message "wr u n" is a breath of fresh air I jumped out of my seat and sped thru EDSA despite the rush hour.

Then I got another message as I was navigating towards the leftmost lane, presumably the lane for fast vehicles and for overtaking. The message that changed everything.

As what I have been doing lately, I dwell on maybe's and hypotheticals for lack of better answers. So maybe it was the fact that my two best friends from highschool are there, maybe because it was Lora's 31st, or her first baby, or Vida's 3rd. Or maybe it was the message. But tonight I decided to come clean and let two of the closest friends I have to know who I am.Maybe it was just the right time.

I came out to Lora and Vida tonight, after years of trying to do so every time there's a special occassion for the 3 of us - Christmas, birthdays, even newborns and deaths. we are the BFFs - the three misfits and unwanteds, the ones ahead of our time in terms of acceptance and tolerance. Lora and I have a lot in common, Vida is probably the kindest person around. We were never understood by our generation of sayanista's because we disdain the priviledge of talent simply because we can. All those previous occassions I always find petty excuses not to blurt out the truth.

That was then, this is now. Oh how much I changed and how good I feel about this change. So at the right moment, I said it. I told my very best friends about me, the real me. And they understood and accepted my truth, no frills, no drums. Just silent smiles and everything is understood. Words will come later, of course, but they were not needed.

Silence in this case, is the treasure that made the moment sparkle and this will remain with me forever.

To Vida and Lora.

the straws, the rush and wet land

You asked me how it feels, being the one on the receiving end of it. I can't remember how the question was phrased, maybe because I was trying to block the sight of you with your face contorted with loathing, maybe because I was too busy trying to find the answer.

And so I said: I felt like I was being carried away by the rush of water on a flooded river, that I was trying to grasp any straw I could to keep afloat and remain close to the banks, praying that any moment now someone will grab my arms and save me from drowning.

That's how I felt the sunset it happened. Helpless but hopeful.

Luckily, my hands grasped some really strong straws and managed to hold on.

Then when I am about to lose it, as I become tired and my hands numbed, familiar hands pulled me out of the water and into wet yet stable ground.

I am still cold. But alive. And hopeful.

I said before and I say it now - I've given up on a lot of things in my life some might think I am a quitter - this one I know deep in my heart, I cannot quit.  I will keep fighting even if it kills me.

Now, hand me the towel and help me dry already. It's friggin' cold out here.

question #1

What kind of a person could fill someone with so much hurt and anger in his heart in so short a time?

Now that I think about it, I am your Voldemort, am I not?

Oh no..please don't say yes...

oh, that was for me?

Well, thanks.

It's just that it's not what I needed. Maybe it's what you needed. A lot of maybe's, but hey, I write well in retrospect, didn't you say? It's just that I do not talk well when confronted by it. And the usual hmmmm (and silence, with vomit.)

I am tempted to respond, and against better judgment I probably will, albeit in bits and pieces of rants and blogs. Because it seems too much to get in one seating. Because it deserves to be taken in bits and pieces.

That I will move on, fine I do not need you to tell me that. You know me too well, right? Okay, you win. I will move on. Doesn't everybody? Hmmm I don't know.

Now, you don't deserve to be called Voldemort. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to rebut your contention that I've always thought you were. I won't try, because you know me too well. Heck, you've figured me all out I can't even open my mouth without you putting words into it. Yeah, too predictable Kiko. Roll your cute eyes all over 'till you drop predictable Kiko.

Moving on...I think it takes a special kind of person to be bestowed that honor of being named Voldemort. Frankly, you fall short of his qualifications. Even Voldemort 2, the non-original. Honestly, do anything remotely similar to what or who Voldemort is and you still won't fill his shoes. It's just one of the things you have to accept.

*Well, in an attempt of humor, I picture Voldy doing a Lavinia on you. For a moment I had to smile, until I realized you won't get the joke.Sorry dude, you're not there yet, but you'll get it. You're one smart puppy.*

You know me too well, don't you, that you know I pegged you off as my Voldemort. Okay. But even taken personally, I don't have a Voldemort. I can say your name. I can think about you without fearing the wave of emotions associated with losing you. You are NOT my HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED! I thought that was for JL, whose name wouldn't escape my lips for a while after it was over. 

And mind you, I use initials because I think it is proper to do just that, especially when you are writing about people who would prefer not being known for who they are or who they sleep with. That includes you. So I will write about you in initials and codes not because your name is something I cannot say. No, don't say thank you. I am not doing it for you. It's just me. All me.

To friends who do not know, I call you my superhero. I think I told you that. But hey, I lied about everything. So no surprise there if I get another roll-eye moment. Well, back to superhero. I was thinking more of Harry Potter, but you'd obviously puke at the notion that you were like the boy who lived. Puke away. Go on. You're good at it. Very good at it. Just be careful with the puking and the roll eyes, I hear they tend to cause mental and physical defects. I don't know that for sure, though, so it may take some time to prove this theory.


Let me know how that goes. As you say (because you know me too well), I love being proven right. So there, prove me right again and again.

sleep now

I will sleep troubled nights, I know that.
I will encounter moments of sadness and feelings of loss, and succumb to them more often.
I will remember, because everything else around me serve as reminders of the immediate past.
I will go through the stages of grief like anyone who has lost someone dear.
I knew this then, I know it now.

But knowing doesn't make it any easier. Because the love I feel is real.

How do you fake loving someone anyway?  No, simply put, you can't.

please, let it be red

Everytime I look at my Blackberry I am willing the warning light to be red..not green, but red. Red means stop. Red means danger. Red means there's a message for me waiting. Wishing it to be from you.

Oh how I wish you'd say something, whatever it is I don't care. I just need to know you are still there.

At times like this, I need you to hold me. I need you to talk to me. I need you to listen to me. I need you to trust me.

I just need you.

morning after

"I do not love you today."

It took maybe a second between waking up and realizing something had gone terribly wrong last night - one second of blissful nothingness - and then it hit me. The pain. The confusion. The loss.

Emotions and thoughts speeding thru the intersection of my head, traffic lights off. I need hope.

Please tell me this is all a dream, a very bad dream. Please.

 

 
 

what to do with the pie

I don't know everything, that much I do know. Hell, maybe I know nothing, which kind of sucks because at 31 am supposed to know something.

Still, all I'm asking is a glimpse. Maybe if I do know something, even bits and pieces without the superglue to put them together, I'll find it easier to understand. Because I need to. Because I have to.

The problem, is this: will I bite a piece and not want the whole? 

Well, if it's a foul-tasting pie I'll probably throw up and spit it out (or spit it out and throw up). More likely I'll grimace and swallow (because I am prim and proper, believe me). I definitely won't take another bite, because come to think of it.....

If it's a bad pie why would I keep at it?

friday rant

gym crush: hey
gym crush: hellow

BUZZ!!!

rhandy_francisco: Hehe what'sup

gym crush: wala lang, bored

gym crush: broody's out eh

gym crush: nothing to do at work

gym crush: hey you there?

BUZZ!!!

This is me, talking to myself over YM as I learn how to do Blackberry. Yep, finally, after days of waiting for the logisticians to clear up my Blackberry allocation, I can now be mobile 24x7 and not miss a thing.

Until you realize it's always network dependent, and Smart EDGE is a bit sparse around here. I can get signal at the condo though, but not in Greenbelt where it's Globe country. I guess I will just have to rely on SMS for that. Oh I miss Makati...

Well, really, I am just ranting. Been a while since I've ranted and raved about nonsense. Broody's out meeting old friends, after a difficult exam I suppose.

Me? Well, office PR says I am on break - since apparently I had flu (or almost had) yesterday and is still heavily medicated. PR as in press release. Spin. I figured I can be sick once in a while. Gino gave me the idea....

Missed the grocery, which closes at 11pm. Kasi naman bibo, imagine chatting up the boss about some new project, ayan tuloy...Broody kasi eh, having one of his crisis (ows?)...

Well, what's a guy like me to do on a night like this? Can't wait for Saturday to be here. Weytaminit, Sabado na ah...in a few minutes hahaha.

Ranting and ranting and ranting...beats writing about the more serious stuff that's been flying around lately. Like the Brian and Justin offer. And the offer to rescind the offer...and so on..

residue

Let's face it, we all come from somewhere. Our perceptions vary and most often are influenced by our own personal experiences. We allow for changes in the way we think and in our beliefs, but it takes a while to undo things, especially things that are part of our pasts.

Which is not to say change is difficult; it's just that sometimes change takes so slow a pace you don't see it when you needed to see it, and only realize it has happened when you least expected it to have occurred.

The trouble is that we seem so set in our ways observers don't see these subtle changes. And part to blame is ourselves, because until we become comfortable with the fact that we have changed, we revert to our old normal as a defense mechanism.

Defense against what? I can only guess - maybe our fear of exposing vulnerabilities, of appearing weak? Of admitting you believed wrong?

Still, it's good to talk about these things - bringing them in the open, trying to figure out how much different you were, how much you've grown, how much more you need to walk to get to where you needed to be.

It's good to know I am capable of change.
It's good to know I am capable of embracing a new normal.
It's good to know I am not walking alone.

me?...nerd?!!! %$#*@

Your Score: Mohinder Suresh

You scored 45 Idealism, 45 Nonconformity, 50 Nerdiness

My father spent his life chasing after this insanity. Now I'm wasting mine trying to prove he was sane.
Congratulations, you're Mohinder Suresh! You're a curious, passionate, and intelligent person. You're prone to changing your mind about the important things in life, though. You're interested in doing what you can to help people who are gifted with special abilities.

Your best quality: You're a maverick intellectual
Your worst quality: Your opinions can change rather quickly and suddenly

Link: The Heroes Personality Test written by freedomdegrees on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Presidential Proclamation No. 8760

Broody turns 24 today!

Living in paradox

Am I? Living in paradox, that is.

*am I innocent and wise at the same time?
*do I love and hate?
*does my old self nurture the child inside?
*can I be happy and sad?
*am I brilliant and stupid?
*am I penny-wise yet money-foolish?
*do I become the monster so that I won't be scared of one?
*am I strong enough to be vulnerable and weak?
*am I trustworthy yet cunning?
*do I smile but cry inside?

People see me for the first time and notice two things: one, that I have a nice smile (whatever that means) and two, that I have sad eyes (again, whatever that means). Oh God am I blatantly obvious then? How come someone once said I am a difficult person to read, then?

almost th3re

At a kiddie party, I once witnessed a child crying his heart out because his mom forced him to lend a toy to his brother. Mom called him selfish, told him that Jesus doesn't love kids who are selfish, then snatched the toy away and gave it her other son. Either out of distress that the toy was snatched, or out of embarrassment to be called selfish, or out of fear that Jesus hates him (perhaps a mixture of all three), older child started wailing, and didn't stop until younger sibling returned the toy on dad's prodding.

I read somewhere that kids aren't really selfish - they just need to feel that sense of ownership over a toy or some stuff before they can feel safe sharing it. And share they would, once the ownership has been established and comfort in sharing is achieved. They don't have to be told to give or share.

I am no child psychologist. I am no kid either. But I swear this need to establish ownership boundaries prior to sharing something important afflicts me as much as the next child.

My theory is that it took this long for me to "own myself", and now more than ever I can share my life to someone without holding back. I realize I've always held back because somehow, I didn't really feel safe being close to someone, that somehow at the end of the road I'll be left with little, if nothing. I was not sure what I really own, and therefore uncertain how much to give. Or lose.

I use the term "ownership" loosely, mind you. It simply means something or someone unquestionnably belongs to you, and the sense of peace and comfort knowing that their commitment is real and reassuring.

Which leads me to another realization - that I am getting there - feeling safe and comfortable enough to share YOU to the world. I admit there are times when I get bouts of jealousy about people who were there first, how you speak of them with such endearing memories. I realize I do the same thing, and wonder if you ever feel the same whenever I speak of them.

Three months is enough time to establish a sense of belongingness. For some, it takes a few minutes. For others, a lifetime.

this 3-year old has

In my 3 short years in this world, I've come to be called many names. I figured I don't really care, even nurtured those which I believe would enhance my standing amongst the circles I move in.

You see, the circles I move in I believed, no - engineered is the better term - will never intersect without my doing. I've been comfortable about this fact for so long, I forgot that circles of living organisms, humans at that, are dynamic and ever changing. And they do intersect. Six degrees of separation, maybe.

That my "reputation" preceeds me, I already know. I've heard it before. What's amazing in a twisted kind of way is how, as I retreat from most of the careless circles I thought I'd like to move in, part of me seemed to have stayed, along with the shadow of my reputation, getting amplified and modified passing thru many lips. Like ripples from the center of the lake hitting an obstruction on their way to the shore, creating even more ripples. Some cancel each other out, some reinforce each and become waves that break on the shore. The wind helps, too.

What I heard recently, apparently thru one of the circles I've so consciously (and pointedly?) retreated from, is more like a magnified wave you'd never guess to have originated from a smooth ripple. It is shocking, it is disturbing, yet it also explains a lot about how, no matter what I do or where I hide, I seem to still get the attention of certain individuals who, in the past, I would have considered interesting, even promising. It is just sad, then, that when I think about it, worse than the fact that I am now an unreachable and unattainable brat, is that if (hypothetically speaking) I do become a reachable and attainable brat again, I'd be the biggest disappointment of all.

And then I'm reminded of a scene from Queer as Folk when the character Brian was berated by a one-night stand, who, apparently, found the former's performance lackluster that night of all nights that the later finally got what he wanted. Too many lessons in that one, but the more obvious ones are:

1. The proof of the pudding is in the eating;
2. Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it all, and then some you don't want (uy, lyrics yan ah!)

I guess I won't have the last laugh at all....but who wants that?

Consumed

Something in me stirred to life . . . am never one to dwell in this type of feeling. I consider it a major weakness, and while I would admit to some forms of weakness, this one I'll be dead before I am caught feeling this. Partly because I know I shouldn't. Mainly because I said I wouldn't.

No, damn it, I will not.

End of story.

'bye

I had to say goodbye.
It took me a while to realize that letting go is the price of temporary freedom.
I've weighed my options and looked at the alternatives.
The most compelling reason, though, is nothing practical - at my darkest moment, I resented it; but in good times I loved it.
What kind of relationship is that?
So I had to let go...even if it means I won't be taking photos anytime soon.

'bye, alpha.

i can shoot really good photos again

The best part of my day is waking up to your voice, realizing you were at the door for our remote Friday, the alarm clock quite unsuccessful waking me up an hour ago, and the door bell acting up as usual. The good part is that you got lost finding your way to our place, allowing me an hour more of sleep.

The best part is doing groceries with you, deciding whether a non-stick grill is better than a non-stick pan, and arguing over butter and flour. The best part is realizing I'd rather do this all the time; never enjoyed a walk down this aisle (the grocery aisle that is) before, until this.

The best part is finding out that there's an LTO Driver's Licence Renewal Center nearby, you bragging about your new license, gushing about how fast you got it.

The best part is getting caught in traffic, trying to find alternative routes, only to end up spending longer time on the road, with more than enough time to speak of hypotheticals and the almost hypotheticals. Admit it, Broody, you are starting to like the "guy with the toupee who always gets saved by boys"...

The best part is you preparing dinner, and having a good friend over for a quick bite. The best part is working out together, a few minutes after the meal. The best part is sounding like an old couple. We like.

The best part is seeing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on screen, genuinely annoyed with Dolores Umbridge's laugh and disappointed about how the importance of the OWLs had not been successfully captured by the film. The best part is enjoying the movie too much despite its few shortcomings, and gushing about the fact that the last installment of the book series is due out next weekend, both of us knowing you would be first in line at the stores, finishing the book within the same day, and lending it to me right after.

The best part is that the weekend has barely begun and we're looking forward for more. The best part is talking about Christmas, 164 days before...The best part is the future ahead, and the present we live in.

The best part is loving you.

Hypothetically speaking

Hypotheticals; we speak of them because we are comfortable enough with the idea to do so:

Moving out ...and Moving in

Marriage ...and starting life anew at a place where you don't have to worry about rights and equality

Advocacy ... and the desire to make a difference, knowing the costs could include your privacy, and your loved ones' as well

Cheating ... and the conviction that it won't ever happen

Almost hypotheticals:

Breaking up

Meeting the in-laws ...and coming out.

Rejection ...and the thought of being rejected again, when all you wanted was to keep in touch with a friend.

remote emote

Imagine waking up two hours after you closed your eyes the night before, only to realize the buzz you hear is that alarm that tells you your next meeting is an hour away. Imagine you've been working 18 hours before that with nothing to show but bad skin and worse temper.

Imagine realizing it's your Milestone today and you've only a few hours to spend time together, as both have crazy schedules and you're trying to juice out whatever spare time you have to do some celebration of sorts.

Imagine someone passed away and his death changes everything, though you're not personally related and you've barely exchanged hi's at work yet the impact of his passing is enough to make you scream.

Imagine remote Fridays and WiFi by the pool. Imagine remote Fridays being taken away, WiFi still by the pool.

Imagine saying goodbye to something that has been part of your last 365 days, while welcoming a new chapter with proper rituals that would make you smile but dead tired.

Imagine doing 5 things at the same time and being efficient at it, except that you don't have time to do little things that would have mattered to the one who matters most, like saying hello or I love you at the time they needed to hear your voice.

Imagine counting the hours by the second. Imagine being so near yet not close enough.

Each second, every fiber of time, counts. What you do with it is up to you.

Theories

Sunshine has this theory about love and parking spaces. She said your luck in finding prime parking is inversely proportional to your luck in love. In her case, she never had to worry about parking because, as theory has it, she'll find one faster than a date.

Jon has another. He said every person attracts a specific type of love and heartache, determined by the initials of the other. In his case, he's more likely to get involved with men whose names start with A. He also thinks there's a higher chance of the involvement going south if the guy has the same initial.

I have yet to validate Sunshine's parking theory for myself. Partly because my success in getting good parking on gimik nights is so so. Mainly because I don't believe luck has anything to do with love.

On Jon's take, I am co-author of this theory, if not the main author, since I first pointed to him that I seem to have the J curse - most people I get involved with have first names, second names or nicknames that start with J. It was I who first came up with the idea of the ABC theory, though he wrote about it first and hence, the credit goes to him. Bugger!

Yes, in the same way that Jon has his As, I have my Js. I used to say I have this J-curse, and true enough, I seem to be a magnet for ones with the J in their initials: JMs, JTs, JRs, MJs, TJs, RJs and the simply Js...but for the most part, those two-first-namers who go with 2-letter nicknames.

I don't call it a curse anymore, but a blessing. Most of these Js are cute anyway, so why complain. Besides, I happen to be in love with One, complete with the 2-letter nickname and several unmentionable adjectives, lest my blog gets censored, so I'd settle for cute and hot na lang.