Of frogs and men

I am taking liberties here, recently read a colleague's Friendster blog and I teased her about it since. Actually, some of my recent blogs were inspired by her.

She said men are like frogs.

If you want to stew them, the worst thing you could do is to dump them into boiling water,  since they'll be jumping right up and escape your fury.

The better way to handle them is through subtle persuasion. Put them in a pan of cool water, that way they will be swimming happily. Cover, then slowly boil the water and they'll never know what hit them.

She's making parallels about how men dig women who are playing hard-to-get, and how men take for granted those who are easy.

To stew men like this, you have to treat them like frogs?

First of all, I think all humans have this in their psyche - anything that doesn't take too much to get is nothing to be proud of. I mean, who wants something that's as freely available as air, you know...try taking away free air and it becomes a very precious commodity.

Second, I don't think it's about how hard is was to get something. It's not about easy, it's about being too available. Like the "pick me! pick me!" girl we all laugh at sometimes.

Third, accomplishments are heady, but which ones will last? I mean, getting a hard-to-get girl doesn't automatically make her your bride, does she? In reverse, being easy doesn't mean a girl isn't wife material. Trouble is, we equate bedding (and marrying) someone to accomplishments like closing that $50M deal, making $1M in options trading over an hour, participating and successfully completing the Everest climb, or joining Doctors Without Borders right after internship. Those are heady.

To be honest, what got me in this mode is not about the men being frogs, but by the way the frogs are being treated in the example above. OMG, dumping frogs in boiling water? Talk about treating animals inhumanly.

So, let's just say to stew men, just dump them in boiling water. Or dump boiling water on them. That's more human.

Or the best thing of all, JUST DUMP THEM!

Of course, I am taking the female perspective here, just like my colleague. Fortunately, I do not have to think about dumping men (or frogs) in boiling water at all.

Spring cleaning

I'm doing cleanup this early to:

*format my notebook to rid it of spyware and other unnessary programs that dilute my computing performance

*archive my email (some forty thousand accumulated over the last 5 years of being an email junkie) and remove those that are past their prime (meaning the corporate contact isn't working there anymore)

*organize my raw pictures and edit those that are worthy of publication - this year I intend to put my favorite shots on the wall, not just on your screen

*organize my address book and take out those I haven't talked to in the last 6 months. This means both my Outlook and PDA contacts, so if you're one of these people better send me at least SMS at once!

*cleanup my Friendster friends list - yeah, I only have like 60 online friends and to be honest, I know them all. Just in case I unwittingly accepted an invite from someone I didn't know...

*cleanup my Messaging contacts - Skype, YM and IM... away with those I haven't chatted with in a while (rule of thumb - if I can't put a face on a name, time to delete contact)

*shred off my credit card bills that have piled up beneath my desk (and while I'm at it, I will seriously consider cutting the plastics for good measure)

What else is there to do? Ah the closet and all those old tees Jenny is hoping will turn up as hand-me-downs. Alright honey, raid my closet all you want for those tees...

Well, can't help it. Spring is here. And the Chinese New Year, too! They say Rabbits like me would do well in the Year of the Pig. I certainly hope so.

 

Someday is today

There's this song of Nina's that's permeating the air lately. At some point, I think most people with heartbreaks feel the same way. Here are the lyrics of the song SOMEDAY:

Someday you'll gonna realize
One day you'll see through my eyes

But then I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I can't

I know
You dont really see my worth
You think you're the last guy on earth
Well I've got news for you
I know I'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

Chorus

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday

But now
I know you can't tell
I'm down,and I'm not down anyway
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye

Where was this song when I needed it most? Well, I'm not singing this now, at least, I am not hurting like the song. But damn! So right, so true.

Somehow, in all our lives, we have at least one person to dedicate this song to. I have. And irony of ironies, the anniversary of our separation will be in a few weeks time. I wish I had this song before; but thinking about it, would it have helped me the same way it does seem to help others?

So much bitterness, yet hopeful as well. To be honest, I still daydream of this "someday", too. Not the part when somebody loves me and someone has taken his place (it is today already!) but the part where he'll realize it's me he needs. Foolish daydream, but I dream nonetheless.

But then I wake up and realize this: will I want this to happen still, him wanting me back? No way, not really, nope. Truth is, I've moved on, no need for that to happen. The best I could hope for is for us to cross paths again and smile at each other as if we're old friends.

Yes, that is the dream I wanted to live - that we meet again and be off as friends. After all, isn't that what moving on is all about?

Google this

The last time I used GPS navigation I ended up on a naval training station at Yerba Buena Island in San Francisco, when all I wanna do is hang out at Union Square. Countless times I seem unable to follow directions thrown off by a robotic female voice. I could sense the system's growing frustration at me being its user, and had it been a real person she would have shouted "Wrong turn! Destination missed. You moron!" at me.

I prefer written directions. I am good at it, too. In tests, the first thing I do is read and carefully follow. Likewise, I print maps off Google to plan my destination. I've never been lost using maps, compared to using GPS.

It helped that I was using an updated map, yes. Much like in everything, maps or instruction manuals help us a lot to know where we are going, and how far will it take us to get there. Which brings me to an intesting article on MSN, something about the road map to boyfriend-land.

Yes, Sunshine. A road map for guys like me. I dunno if it will apply to you and Foxy, but read on and tell me.

First turn, the fabulous initial dates. Reading the signs on whether he's interested, giving out signals that you are. Or the other way around. If you end the first time wondering if he wants to see you again...need to practice more in reading signals (and not the printed kind).It's quite easier these times, with text messaging and email...but still, a lot of people could be so clueless.

Next, turn right. Once you've established that you've passed the chemistry test and discovered mutual yet (I insist!) subtle attraction, comes the checklist. Call it an assessment of potential. This is an unwritten list of qualities and requirements that tell you whether someone is boyfriend material for you. Yes, it's the first time you'll honestly use this word next to thinking about the subject. And mind you, this turn is a deal breaker. If he comes off below the scale, turn left and run.

On the next turn, things happen a bit more frequently. SMS almost hourly, calls happen all throughout the day. Of course, this excludes the time you take to do things together, like workout daily or have dinner or quick lunches and see opening night movies at Greenbelt 3. It's supposed to be gradual, this need to share everything with him, like how you think your landlord is screwing your neighbor or that he suspects his boss to be gay. Warning signs must be erected to watch out for wearing out a good thing - you don't have to know what one had for lunch all the time, anyway. Gradually you'll settle into spontaneous sharing of meaningless chatter that does seem odd but never turns out to be boring. Connected need not mean tied up.

You're coming along nicely. Next right turn, sharing gets a bit more personal. Sharing personal space, that is. First, the toothbrush so discretely (but not unnoticeably) placed on your counter. Or the towel hanging next to yours. Or that extra bar of soap. Whatever it is, you may react to this invasion differently. You may freak out at first. But don't fret - if you're in synch with him and he's with you, you've probably almost arrived to boyfriend-land. The trick is to be comfortable first that this isn't invasion of your space or his, it's sharing your spaces. In time you'll learn to make extra space for his stuff on your drawers and shelves.

Finally, the BIG turn - C stands for commitment. Yes, this time you really have to talk about it. The turns before this? All that talk is nothing compared to this. In fact, the initial turns might be done in silence, just reading signals will do - which tells you how well you two have read each other and continue to like being together. Careful here - talk is really the thing. What you say can be and will be used against you.

It's the official time to talk - the "we're on the same page" talk. Assumptions are out - meaning you can't afford to make any. You need to bring it out in the open. If you like someone and wanted to see him exclusively, you have to say so. You have to clarify wants and expectations. You have to agree. Key to boyfriend-land is mutual consent. When you've reached the point when both of you agree that "I don't want to date anyone else" then you've arrived. Then you make the rules. Again, mutual consent.

And then, and only then, there's boyfriend integration. It's making everyone who knows "you" know. Whether you wanted to introduce each other as boyfriends or partners will be up to you. By this time, you're comfortable talking about the future - yours together.

So, read and follow the signs carefully. Whether it's your first time or you've taken this road before, use an updated map, and your heart as a compass.


 

That last piece of Skyflakes gave me this

Confused? Understatement of the year. Or am I?

You see, I've been asked many times who I want. I have this canned answer all the time. What I realized now is that the response is more to satisfy the one listening to me answer this question. I've never really answered it to MY satisfaction.

So I go on, answer the question about standards and qualities and not have an iota of a clue what they mean in real terms.

Someone stable and mature.
Someone who likes me as much as I like him, or more.
Someone honest, straight-forward, aggressive.
Someone who would not mind kissing me over cup of coffee in from of our friends.
Someone who would take care of me.
Someone cute and smokin' hot.
Someone my friends will like, and someone who'll like my friends.
Someone socially acceptable.

Bullshit.

In the end, these "standards" go down the drain. Who wouldn't want the above? The trouble is, once you find him, will you click? Or will the ideal man be just that - an ideal, good to look at from afar, on a pedestal, but never on the bed? Nor in your life?

How do you define stability? Having more money that I do? A high-powered career?

How about maturity? Age?

Who has ever measured who likes whom more? Is there a scale?

What about honesty? It's basic, right?

PDA? Since when did I even crave for PDA? To be honest, I am embarrased kissing my parents in public. I guess the place and situation has to take precedent over the act.

Why would I want someone to take care of me? I can take care of myself. Period.

Yeah, cute and smokin' hot is on the menu. Ever.

And I don't need my friends' approval on whom to date or even commit to, do I? Sure, it would be nice for them to get along so well, but that's just icing on the cake. Every relationship must have its share of bumps and nudges, or villains and heroes. You can't please everybody. Just think of the battered wife whom everybody thought has the perfect husband and the perfect life.

And being socially acceptable is such rubbish I wonder why I even wrote it. For someone who's defied social conventions more often than people booed GMA for her I'm sorry speech, how could I? How could I??

Follow your heart, the ice cream commercial says. How I wish it's that simple. But maybe it is.

So I ask myself these:

*who would I rather see before I close my eyes at night...
*who would I rather see when I open them in the morning...
*who would I rather argue with and make up with soon enough...
*who would I rather be caught dancing with over the ledge of that bar in Malate...
*who would I rather do laundry and groceries and shopping with...
*who would I rather grow old with...
*who would I rather talk with when I can't sleep...or take long lazy walks on any street...
*who would make me cry when the plane's about to take off...
*whose name, many times,  had I almost said out loud while I am dining with someone else?

Just now, the answer is clear. I think of a time when I had rejected someone because he didn't fit my ideal of a man. I lost my heart to that man, the one I rejected on the grounds of acceptability.

Now I know the ideal man is the one who knows how to love, and allows himself to love and be loved. I was the lesser man...but not anymore.

 

Of kittens and puppies

A promising year. Week one alone is a good sampler.

Hours before my birthday dinner with my college buddies and I got apprehended by the MMDA for turning right on a red signal. Yeah, days after I committed never to ignore traffic signals like that one. It helped that it was my birthday the following day, but I still bribed the poor guy. I guess that's what you get when you try to have a matured discussion with someone you used to go out with (and give him the "I'm not ready to take the next step" speech.)

A close high school friend bailed out on my birthday treat, after me calling him a drama queen. I stand by my word, that he's a drama queen, and case in point - he ditched my birthday for some petty excuse about work. Friend, no hard feelings - but it's hard to bottle things up inside you.

I crashed another birthday party that night, with my "kitten". A first - I'm as proper as they get when it comes to social graces. I met some interesting people that night, but the most interesting one is the one who slept beside me and complained later that an hour after I've gone to sleep I pulled out my own sheets and went to sleep as if I'm alone. Well, old habits die hard.

Another first - spent my birthday hearing mass. With kitten. Same kitten I was with the night before. Well, it's a first because I never really hear mass anymore, let alone on my birthday. I figured it's time. And I was right. The best homily ever, I ended up with moist eyes. It's about the 4th King (yeah, Three Kings) and about finding Jesus in the faces of ordinary people around us.

Went in with matching colors. Well, I've got an excuse - no more clean casual clothes and that's the day I've to pick up my laundry for fresh ones. I could have changed into something else, but I was late. Besides, I didn't think he'd mind at all. Waiters thought it sweet, actually.

Watched Shake Rattle and Roll the nth franchise. Kitten wants to see Manilyn and puppy wants to spend more time with kitten.

Hmmm what else? Surprise of surprises, my parents didn't ask one bit about when I'm getting married. Case of lost cause or the calm before the storm? Whatever it is, I'm just glad they didn't - because I could have told them the truth.


 

Litany of a puppy

When you decide to get a puppy, am pretty certain you'd want me. Here are some insights into having and loving this puppy.

This puppy is very very independent and loves to be left alone. It's not that he doesn't want you around, he's just not used to having someone poke and stroke him all the time. Give him space, give him time. After all, once you've gained his trust, he'll be eating out of your hands. That takes time.

Feed him with trust and respect. Like any young thing, this puppy likes to think he's the king of the world, that he's invincible, that he can do it all. First thing, you really have to trust him and not treat him like a kid. While you speak of trust, your actions say otherwise, thinking of his supposed indiscretions when all he does is remain true and loyal.

Words are important, but so are deeds. This puppy wants you to walk your talk. He wants honesty. He wants integrity. These two are sides of the same coin, one must live with the other. Being honest means conforming your words to reality; having integrity means conforming reality to your words.

This puppy has a lot going on right now. He's growing, he's getting big. He needs support more than criticism, understanding more than confrontation.

He's incredibly smart, and he expects you to get him as much as he gets you. He's very insightful. He keeps his profound discoveries to himself, and assumes you are at the same page as he is most of the time.

He's a born leader. And acts like one, too. Some people find it amazing that he's even capable to follow orders. Well, leaders are great followers, aren't they?

He won't easily let you take the reign, but when he does, rise to the occasion. Otherwise he'll be frustrated enough and bitch about your inability to make up your mind. He's right, you know. If you can't make up yours, how can you make him?

Confrontational he isn't. He prefers subtlety. He has class. Push him and he'll draw inside himself. Chase him to a corner and you'll find him fighting back with silence. Deadly silence. Death to your relationship with this puppy.

He loves his friends and family so dearly you'll be competing for his attention for a long time. You'll gain his respect for giving him time to adjust to your presence in his life. Once he does, you'll see it's all worth it. Criticize this, or even try to force him to make a choice between you and his loved ones and you'll only drive him away.

He won't understand jealousy, yours to be specific. Be jealous anyway, you have every reason to, since everybody wants him. But don't be possesive. He's with you, that matters a whole lot.

Remember that this puppy has a universe all his own before you came along. The point is not to change his universe and make yours his, but to merge your lives, two universes where both can find your own places and be your own person while being together.

This puppy is not a conquest, so don't brag that you're with him. But never dismiss him and take him for granted once you've had him in your arms.

Be proud, not because he chose you, but because you chose him. You chose right, and did right by him.

It will be hard, nobody said it won't be. But if you wanted it easy, get a hamster or a kitten.