Living in paradox

Am I? Living in paradox, that is.

*am I innocent and wise at the same time?
*do I love and hate?
*does my old self nurture the child inside?
*can I be happy and sad?
*am I brilliant and stupid?
*am I penny-wise yet money-foolish?
*do I become the monster so that I won't be scared of one?
*am I strong enough to be vulnerable and weak?
*am I trustworthy yet cunning?
*do I smile but cry inside?

People see me for the first time and notice two things: one, that I have a nice smile (whatever that means) and two, that I have sad eyes (again, whatever that means). Oh God am I blatantly obvious then? How come someone once said I am a difficult person to read, then?

almost th3re

At a kiddie party, I once witnessed a child crying his heart out because his mom forced him to lend a toy to his brother. Mom called him selfish, told him that Jesus doesn't love kids who are selfish, then snatched the toy away and gave it her other son. Either out of distress that the toy was snatched, or out of embarrassment to be called selfish, or out of fear that Jesus hates him (perhaps a mixture of all three), older child started wailing, and didn't stop until younger sibling returned the toy on dad's prodding.

I read somewhere that kids aren't really selfish - they just need to feel that sense of ownership over a toy or some stuff before they can feel safe sharing it. And share they would, once the ownership has been established and comfort in sharing is achieved. They don't have to be told to give or share.

I am no child psychologist. I am no kid either. But I swear this need to establish ownership boundaries prior to sharing something important afflicts me as much as the next child.

My theory is that it took this long for me to "own myself", and now more than ever I can share my life to someone without holding back. I realize I've always held back because somehow, I didn't really feel safe being close to someone, that somehow at the end of the road I'll be left with little, if nothing. I was not sure what I really own, and therefore uncertain how much to give. Or lose.

I use the term "ownership" loosely, mind you. It simply means something or someone unquestionnably belongs to you, and the sense of peace and comfort knowing that their commitment is real and reassuring.

Which leads me to another realization - that I am getting there - feeling safe and comfortable enough to share YOU to the world. I admit there are times when I get bouts of jealousy about people who were there first, how you speak of them with such endearing memories. I realize I do the same thing, and wonder if you ever feel the same whenever I speak of them.

Three months is enough time to establish a sense of belongingness. For some, it takes a few minutes. For others, a lifetime.

this 3-year old has

In my 3 short years in this world, I've come to be called many names. I figured I don't really care, even nurtured those which I believe would enhance my standing amongst the circles I move in.

You see, the circles I move in I believed, no - engineered is the better term - will never intersect without my doing. I've been comfortable about this fact for so long, I forgot that circles of living organisms, humans at that, are dynamic and ever changing. And they do intersect. Six degrees of separation, maybe.

That my "reputation" preceeds me, I already know. I've heard it before. What's amazing in a twisted kind of way is how, as I retreat from most of the careless circles I thought I'd like to move in, part of me seemed to have stayed, along with the shadow of my reputation, getting amplified and modified passing thru many lips. Like ripples from the center of the lake hitting an obstruction on their way to the shore, creating even more ripples. Some cancel each other out, some reinforce each and become waves that break on the shore. The wind helps, too.

What I heard recently, apparently thru one of the circles I've so consciously (and pointedly?) retreated from, is more like a magnified wave you'd never guess to have originated from a smooth ripple. It is shocking, it is disturbing, yet it also explains a lot about how, no matter what I do or where I hide, I seem to still get the attention of certain individuals who, in the past, I would have considered interesting, even promising. It is just sad, then, that when I think about it, worse than the fact that I am now an unreachable and unattainable brat, is that if (hypothetically speaking) I do become a reachable and attainable brat again, I'd be the biggest disappointment of all.

And then I'm reminded of a scene from Queer as Folk when the character Brian was berated by a one-night stand, who, apparently, found the former's performance lackluster that night of all nights that the later finally got what he wanted. Too many lessons in that one, but the more obvious ones are:

1. The proof of the pudding is in the eating;
2. Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it all, and then some you don't want (uy, lyrics yan ah!)

I guess I won't have the last laugh at all....but who wants that?

Consumed

Something in me stirred to life . . . am never one to dwell in this type of feeling. I consider it a major weakness, and while I would admit to some forms of weakness, this one I'll be dead before I am caught feeling this. Partly because I know I shouldn't. Mainly because I said I wouldn't.

No, damn it, I will not.

End of story.

'bye

I had to say goodbye.
It took me a while to realize that letting go is the price of temporary freedom.
I've weighed my options and looked at the alternatives.
The most compelling reason, though, is nothing practical - at my darkest moment, I resented it; but in good times I loved it.
What kind of relationship is that?
So I had to let go...even if it means I won't be taking photos anytime soon.

'bye, alpha.

i can shoot really good photos again

The best part of my day is waking up to your voice, realizing you were at the door for our remote Friday, the alarm clock quite unsuccessful waking me up an hour ago, and the door bell acting up as usual. The good part is that you got lost finding your way to our place, allowing me an hour more of sleep.

The best part is doing groceries with you, deciding whether a non-stick grill is better than a non-stick pan, and arguing over butter and flour. The best part is realizing I'd rather do this all the time; never enjoyed a walk down this aisle (the grocery aisle that is) before, until this.

The best part is finding out that there's an LTO Driver's Licence Renewal Center nearby, you bragging about your new license, gushing about how fast you got it.

The best part is getting caught in traffic, trying to find alternative routes, only to end up spending longer time on the road, with more than enough time to speak of hypotheticals and the almost hypotheticals. Admit it, Broody, you are starting to like the "guy with the toupee who always gets saved by boys"...

The best part is you preparing dinner, and having a good friend over for a quick bite. The best part is working out together, a few minutes after the meal. The best part is sounding like an old couple. We like.

The best part is seeing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on screen, genuinely annoyed with Dolores Umbridge's laugh and disappointed about how the importance of the OWLs had not been successfully captured by the film. The best part is enjoying the movie too much despite its few shortcomings, and gushing about the fact that the last installment of the book series is due out next weekend, both of us knowing you would be first in line at the stores, finishing the book within the same day, and lending it to me right after.

The best part is that the weekend has barely begun and we're looking forward for more. The best part is talking about Christmas, 164 days before...The best part is the future ahead, and the present we live in.

The best part is loving you.

Hypothetically speaking

Hypotheticals; we speak of them because we are comfortable enough with the idea to do so:

Moving out ...and Moving in

Marriage ...and starting life anew at a place where you don't have to worry about rights and equality

Advocacy ... and the desire to make a difference, knowing the costs could include your privacy, and your loved ones' as well

Cheating ... and the conviction that it won't ever happen

Almost hypotheticals:

Breaking up

Meeting the in-laws ...and coming out.

Rejection ...and the thought of being rejected again, when all you wanted was to keep in touch with a friend.

remote emote

Imagine waking up two hours after you closed your eyes the night before, only to realize the buzz you hear is that alarm that tells you your next meeting is an hour away. Imagine you've been working 18 hours before that with nothing to show but bad skin and worse temper.

Imagine realizing it's your Milestone today and you've only a few hours to spend time together, as both have crazy schedules and you're trying to juice out whatever spare time you have to do some celebration of sorts.

Imagine someone passed away and his death changes everything, though you're not personally related and you've barely exchanged hi's at work yet the impact of his passing is enough to make you scream.

Imagine remote Fridays and WiFi by the pool. Imagine remote Fridays being taken away, WiFi still by the pool.

Imagine saying goodbye to something that has been part of your last 365 days, while welcoming a new chapter with proper rituals that would make you smile but dead tired.

Imagine doing 5 things at the same time and being efficient at it, except that you don't have time to do little things that would have mattered to the one who matters most, like saying hello or I love you at the time they needed to hear your voice.

Imagine counting the hours by the second. Imagine being so near yet not close enough.

Each second, every fiber of time, counts. What you do with it is up to you.