someone's out to get me

How much original glazed Krispy Kreme donuts can I eat before nausea sets in?

Apparently, 6 and a bite. That's how many I munched on before I started wondering why the word "Answering" looks and feels misspelled yet my spelling check isn't flagging it as such.

That's when I knew I ate too much. I can't help it, not when someone stupid enough did something that caused production to halt for the night, possibly for more nights to come. I can't believe a keystroke could make my life difficult, not when I am not the one who did the pressing. If it were a nuclear launch button the world could have been melted by now.

Well, there's no cure for stupidity. There's no cure for incompetence.

Ay meron....YOU'RE FIRED! That is what I will say the moment I find out who did this.

If only I can have him or her face a real firing squad...

busy baby

Baby steps. That's what I do when I feel overwhelmed by the enormity of a certain task or a situation I find myself in. I try to take baby steps. Slowly, a bit wobbly, but surely taking the direction where I needed to be. It does not matter how slow or how many steps I had to make. It does not matter if I do not reach my destination today, or maybe not tomorrow. What matters is I am taking small steps to the right direction.

So today, in the middle of one of the many wonderful weekends I am blessed with so far, I take baby steps to tackle the overwhelming backlog of work created by recent downtimes and network issues. Totally not my fault, just one of those things that happen because there's a problem somewhere in some hemisphere. The world has become so interconnected it is impossible not to be affected by a butterfly flapping its wings in China and the hurricane that resulted from its ripples magnified across continents. That I am in one of the top offshoring destinations in the world only ensures that I get to be affected by one little hiccup made in Uncle Sam's land.

So I take one step at a time. One report at a time. One data at a time. I know it's going to take much longer to finish everything, and I do not and will not try to tackle all these at once. But I take one at a time. Maybe in a few days I'll have several small accomplishments that would count towards finishing the bigger task.

Ah it's all good, though. It's the little things that make my days even more wonderful, regardless of the difficulties of work and life in general. Thank goodness for life's little pleasures (like the best cupcakes in the world or the happy movie-musicals and online reservations), and thanks to the universe for allowing me to share these with someone very very special.

Today

When I woke up this morning, I promised myself that laughter will be my medicine. So much going on, it would have been so easy to succumb to the usual stresses of my day.

Hence the bits and pieces of funny conversations I hear around me.

I realize I can only be excused for being sad and needy for so long. Sooner or later I will have to take responsibility for my own happiness. And that includes the inevitable choice of embracing feelings that tip the balance - sadness, being alone, sorrow - to the dark side, so to speak.

So today, I choose to be happy. I am happy.

Conversations: SUN of Batman

Batman: Kainis, friend.
Robin: O bakit na naman

Batman: Eh kasi, buti pa ang SUN, nagtetext sa akin every 10 minutes. Yung asawa ko, dedma.
Robin: ha?

Batman: Ayan o, 76 messages na.
Robin: Eh ano sabi...

Batman: eto basahin mo...

Message from Sun Cellular: Your balance is 0.00 pesos. Please reload immediately.

Conversations: batman and robin

yesterday...

batman: friendship, why are you sad?
robin: ewan ko ba, basta sad lang ako today
batman: naku friendship, embrace mo lang yan. tapos detox ka
robin: ha? pano detox?
batman: eh di cry it out
robin: eh pano nga
batman: watch sad movies, like A Beautiful Life or What dreams may come
batman: anything that will make you cry, basta iiyak mo yan para mawala
robin: eh sad yung movies na yan e
batman: kaya nga.
batman: pero friendship, okay lang yan na sad ka
robin: at baket?
batman: that's balance. hindi naman pwede na masaya ka lagi di ba?


12 hours later...

batman: friend!!! nakakaloka. stressed na stressed ako
robin: tara detox tayo
batman: ay ayaw ko mag-detox friend...
robin: why?
batman: eh kasi pagnagdedetox ako, after ko magdetox, balik ako sa office, stressed na ulet
robin: kala ko ba balance
batman: hay oo nga, pero basta sayang ang detox ko dahil work stresses me out
robin: kase naman fitness na tayo
batman: ayaw...mahal

the ring bearer has landed

J T : hey
me : hey ate
J T : i got the bands, arrived today
me : really? great! can't wait
J T : yep on my way to the airport
me : ate have a safe flight
J T : see yah

That's the best news I've heard so far last Sunday, given that I'm being my usual grumpy Sunday self. Grumpy and needy.

It's actually quite a surprise, that the status bands would arrive in time for Jon's flight. We're not even sure if the order went thru given that Kimmy tried ordering and got nothing. Funny...Jon and Kimmy ordering the TAKEN bands for Broody and Mopey...guess who the ring bearers are?

An hour or so after touch down and our status bands are on their rightful places. And the ring bearer stuffed with Chowking crispy noodles. Well, not much fan fare there, just as we like it.

After all, these bands didn't come easy. Allow us to take our sweet time.

Mopey and Broody ...more

It is a wonderful feeling. To be surrounded by people who love us, who believe in us, who care enough to tell us what we really needed to hear.

Thank you for your kindness, your understanding, and your love.

my piece

We have said I am sorry.
We have said I love you.
But we have never said I forgive you.

I do.

question #2

If silence is a sign of agreement, can it also be a sign of dissent?

 

ahead of our time, a salute

With everything that's been happening, I forgot that last night was supposed to be the birthday dinner of one of my high school best friends - it was also her baby shower for she's due at month's end. Receiving her message "wr u n" is a breath of fresh air I jumped out of my seat and sped thru EDSA despite the rush hour.

Then I got another message as I was navigating towards the leftmost lane, presumably the lane for fast vehicles and for overtaking. The message that changed everything.

As what I have been doing lately, I dwell on maybe's and hypotheticals for lack of better answers. So maybe it was the fact that my two best friends from highschool are there, maybe because it was Lora's 31st, or her first baby, or Vida's 3rd. Or maybe it was the message. But tonight I decided to come clean and let two of the closest friends I have to know who I am.Maybe it was just the right time.

I came out to Lora and Vida tonight, after years of trying to do so every time there's a special occassion for the 3 of us - Christmas, birthdays, even newborns and deaths. we are the BFFs - the three misfits and unwanteds, the ones ahead of our time in terms of acceptance and tolerance. Lora and I have a lot in common, Vida is probably the kindest person around. We were never understood by our generation of sayanista's because we disdain the priviledge of talent simply because we can. All those previous occassions I always find petty excuses not to blurt out the truth.

That was then, this is now. Oh how much I changed and how good I feel about this change. So at the right moment, I said it. I told my very best friends about me, the real me. And they understood and accepted my truth, no frills, no drums. Just silent smiles and everything is understood. Words will come later, of course, but they were not needed.

Silence in this case, is the treasure that made the moment sparkle and this will remain with me forever.

To Vida and Lora.

the straws, the rush and wet land

You asked me how it feels, being the one on the receiving end of it. I can't remember how the question was phrased, maybe because I was trying to block the sight of you with your face contorted with loathing, maybe because I was too busy trying to find the answer.

And so I said: I felt like I was being carried away by the rush of water on a flooded river, that I was trying to grasp any straw I could to keep afloat and remain close to the banks, praying that any moment now someone will grab my arms and save me from drowning.

That's how I felt the sunset it happened. Helpless but hopeful.

Luckily, my hands grasped some really strong straws and managed to hold on.

Then when I am about to lose it, as I become tired and my hands numbed, familiar hands pulled me out of the water and into wet yet stable ground.

I am still cold. But alive. And hopeful.

I said before and I say it now - I've given up on a lot of things in my life some might think I am a quitter - this one I know deep in my heart, I cannot quit.  I will keep fighting even if it kills me.

Now, hand me the towel and help me dry already. It's friggin' cold out here.

question #1

What kind of a person could fill someone with so much hurt and anger in his heart in so short a time?

Now that I think about it, I am your Voldemort, am I not?

Oh no..please don't say yes...

oh, that was for me?

Well, thanks.

It's just that it's not what I needed. Maybe it's what you needed. A lot of maybe's, but hey, I write well in retrospect, didn't you say? It's just that I do not talk well when confronted by it. And the usual hmmmm (and silence, with vomit.)

I am tempted to respond, and against better judgment I probably will, albeit in bits and pieces of rants and blogs. Because it seems too much to get in one seating. Because it deserves to be taken in bits and pieces.

That I will move on, fine I do not need you to tell me that. You know me too well, right? Okay, you win. I will move on. Doesn't everybody? Hmmm I don't know.

Now, you don't deserve to be called Voldemort. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to rebut your contention that I've always thought you were. I won't try, because you know me too well. Heck, you've figured me all out I can't even open my mouth without you putting words into it. Yeah, too predictable Kiko. Roll your cute eyes all over 'till you drop predictable Kiko.

Moving on...I think it takes a special kind of person to be bestowed that honor of being named Voldemort. Frankly, you fall short of his qualifications. Even Voldemort 2, the non-original. Honestly, do anything remotely similar to what or who Voldemort is and you still won't fill his shoes. It's just one of the things you have to accept.

*Well, in an attempt of humor, I picture Voldy doing a Lavinia on you. For a moment I had to smile, until I realized you won't get the joke.Sorry dude, you're not there yet, but you'll get it. You're one smart puppy.*

You know me too well, don't you, that you know I pegged you off as my Voldemort. Okay. But even taken personally, I don't have a Voldemort. I can say your name. I can think about you without fearing the wave of emotions associated with losing you. You are NOT my HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED! I thought that was for JL, whose name wouldn't escape my lips for a while after it was over. 

And mind you, I use initials because I think it is proper to do just that, especially when you are writing about people who would prefer not being known for who they are or who they sleep with. That includes you. So I will write about you in initials and codes not because your name is something I cannot say. No, don't say thank you. I am not doing it for you. It's just me. All me.

To friends who do not know, I call you my superhero. I think I told you that. But hey, I lied about everything. So no surprise there if I get another roll-eye moment. Well, back to superhero. I was thinking more of Harry Potter, but you'd obviously puke at the notion that you were like the boy who lived. Puke away. Go on. You're good at it. Very good at it. Just be careful with the puking and the roll eyes, I hear they tend to cause mental and physical defects. I don't know that for sure, though, so it may take some time to prove this theory.


Let me know how that goes. As you say (because you know me too well), I love being proven right. So there, prove me right again and again.

sleep now

I will sleep troubled nights, I know that.
I will encounter moments of sadness and feelings of loss, and succumb to them more often.
I will remember, because everything else around me serve as reminders of the immediate past.
I will go through the stages of grief like anyone who has lost someone dear.
I knew this then, I know it now.

But knowing doesn't make it any easier. Because the love I feel is real.

How do you fake loving someone anyway?  No, simply put, you can't.

please, let it be red

Everytime I look at my Blackberry I am willing the warning light to be red..not green, but red. Red means stop. Red means danger. Red means there's a message for me waiting. Wishing it to be from you.

Oh how I wish you'd say something, whatever it is I don't care. I just need to know you are still there.

At times like this, I need you to hold me. I need you to talk to me. I need you to listen to me. I need you to trust me.

I just need you.

morning after

"I do not love you today."

It took maybe a second between waking up and realizing something had gone terribly wrong last night - one second of blissful nothingness - and then it hit me. The pain. The confusion. The loss.

Emotions and thoughts speeding thru the intersection of my head, traffic lights off. I need hope.

Please tell me this is all a dream, a very bad dream. Please.

 

 
 

what to do with the pie

I don't know everything, that much I do know. Hell, maybe I know nothing, which kind of sucks because at 31 am supposed to know something.

Still, all I'm asking is a glimpse. Maybe if I do know something, even bits and pieces without the superglue to put them together, I'll find it easier to understand. Because I need to. Because I have to.

The problem, is this: will I bite a piece and not want the whole? 

Well, if it's a foul-tasting pie I'll probably throw up and spit it out (or spit it out and throw up). More likely I'll grimace and swallow (because I am prim and proper, believe me). I definitely won't take another bite, because come to think of it.....

If it's a bad pie why would I keep at it?

friday rant

gym crush: hey
gym crush: hellow

BUZZ!!!

rhandy_francisco: Hehe what'sup

gym crush: wala lang, bored

gym crush: broody's out eh

gym crush: nothing to do at work

gym crush: hey you there?

BUZZ!!!

This is me, talking to myself over YM as I learn how to do Blackberry. Yep, finally, after days of waiting for the logisticians to clear up my Blackberry allocation, I can now be mobile 24x7 and not miss a thing.

Until you realize it's always network dependent, and Smart EDGE is a bit sparse around here. I can get signal at the condo though, but not in Greenbelt where it's Globe country. I guess I will just have to rely on SMS for that. Oh I miss Makati...

Well, really, I am just ranting. Been a while since I've ranted and raved about nonsense. Broody's out meeting old friends, after a difficult exam I suppose.

Me? Well, office PR says I am on break - since apparently I had flu (or almost had) yesterday and is still heavily medicated. PR as in press release. Spin. I figured I can be sick once in a while. Gino gave me the idea....

Missed the grocery, which closes at 11pm. Kasi naman bibo, imagine chatting up the boss about some new project, ayan tuloy...Broody kasi eh, having one of his crisis (ows?)...

Well, what's a guy like me to do on a night like this? Can't wait for Saturday to be here. Weytaminit, Sabado na ah...in a few minutes hahaha.

Ranting and ranting and ranting...beats writing about the more serious stuff that's been flying around lately. Like the Brian and Justin offer. And the offer to rescind the offer...and so on..

residue

Let's face it, we all come from somewhere. Our perceptions vary and most often are influenced by our own personal experiences. We allow for changes in the way we think and in our beliefs, but it takes a while to undo things, especially things that are part of our pasts.

Which is not to say change is difficult; it's just that sometimes change takes so slow a pace you don't see it when you needed to see it, and only realize it has happened when you least expected it to have occurred.

The trouble is that we seem so set in our ways observers don't see these subtle changes. And part to blame is ourselves, because until we become comfortable with the fact that we have changed, we revert to our old normal as a defense mechanism.

Defense against what? I can only guess - maybe our fear of exposing vulnerabilities, of appearing weak? Of admitting you believed wrong?

Still, it's good to talk about these things - bringing them in the open, trying to figure out how much different you were, how much you've grown, how much more you need to walk to get to where you needed to be.

It's good to know I am capable of change.
It's good to know I am capable of embracing a new normal.
It's good to know I am not walking alone.

me?...nerd?!!! %$#*@

Your Score: Mohinder Suresh

You scored 45 Idealism, 45 Nonconformity, 50 Nerdiness

My father spent his life chasing after this insanity. Now I'm wasting mine trying to prove he was sane.
Congratulations, you're Mohinder Suresh! You're a curious, passionate, and intelligent person. You're prone to changing your mind about the important things in life, though. You're interested in doing what you can to help people who are gifted with special abilities.

Your best quality: You're a maverick intellectual
Your worst quality: Your opinions can change rather quickly and suddenly

Link: The Heroes Personality Test written by freedomdegrees on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Presidential Proclamation No. 8760

Broody turns 24 today!