dirty dozen before

We've been friends for almost 12 years. We've gotten close enough for D to make us his firstborn's godparents.

The question on everyone's mind is.....

........is it time yet?

We'll see. An hour from now and we're reuniting, after a 2-year break from the usual meetups on holidays and that occassional Friday-nights-with-the-boys.

More later...

stampede

Now am worried.

It wasn't the first time, but last night was the worst because I had the instinct to just run away from the crowd.

Was at the mall with Broody to meet up with friends, M actually celebrating his 31st birthday with pizza instead of the cookout. Maybe it' s the immediate cancellation of the cookout plans, maybe it's the not-so-friendly atmosphere of that corner F&H store, but whatever it is it made me fear the crowd while walking towards the pizza parlor.

I thought all these people are rushing towards me on a stampede. I almost panicked and ran.

No way...am not turning into an agoraphobic, am I?

and yet another test

What Kind of Guy Will You Fall For?
	You would fall part for the geek. If you're looking for love, consider spending a little more time studying up in the library. To you, there's nothing more attractive than intelligence, shyness, and kindness; your future love may have four eyes and zero social skills, but he'll make up for it in brains and heart.
	You would fall part for the gentleman. Keep an eye out for your love at your next formal or field trip to the opera. Watch out for bad boys who walk on the inside of the curb and don't hold the door for you, and you'll end up with the guy who's suave, sophisticated, and classy through-and-through.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

another test

Which Harry Potter Character Are You?
	You are Hermione. You're a bookworm always in search of answers. When pressed, however, you can always be counted on to put away the books and help your friends.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

because i am sucker for tests

Which Pixar Character Are You?
	You are part Nemo. Your are the rebel in the group. You do things differently, not because you think they should be done that way, but because your Mommy told you not to do such "bad" things. This is cool if you ask us, and we are pretty sure your friends agree.
	You are part Dory. You are naive and gullible. Wait, that's a good thing. Your ability to trust any stranger is a trait not many people have, but be more cautious next time a stranger offers to buy you lunch or you might find yourself in a fishy situation.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

mangga at bagoong

Like a kid in a candy store..yes, that's how Broody is when at a Jelly Belly store. I didn't know they have recipes, and funny though it may be the first time, it's fun...hmmm teka, fun and funny are not the same, are they?

Anyway, Sunday's coasting well. Playing some DVDs (Devil Wears Prada...thank goodness for my new player). Everything's on schedule - Jen's flight back to Manila, my de-cluttering my place for her welcome home dinner (green mangoes & bagoong on the table), texting, writing blogs, hmm, laundry is a bit delayed.

More things to-do: workout, hard disk shopping at Gilmore, grocery shopping with the boys, and window shopping for a new set of t-shirts.

Am having a fun day today...dapat lang, life needs balance. Today is fun day.

Wiktionary

Maybe if I know the exact meaning of the word, I'd be able to use it as intended:

flirtation:
Playing at courtship; coquetry.

courtship:
The act of paying court, with the intent to solicit a favor.
The act of wooing in love; solicitation of woman to marriage.
Courtliness; elegance of manners; courtesy.
Court policy; the character of a courtier; artifice of a court; court-craft; finesse.

coquetry:
Attempts to attract admiration, notice, or love, for the mere gratification of vanity; affectation of amorous tenderness; trifling in love; flirtation.

untangle me, again

This is me....

I keep a plant by the window, and rotate it by 90 degrees every other day to prevent it from following the sun just one way. I water it every other day. I talk to it, though in whispers. I re-potted it mid-August, right after the Patch-up, and how I wish it'd start to grow now that it's getting the better attention it deserves.

I sleep when the sun is about to rise. Irony is that I can't sleep once the sun is up, so I have to shut my eyes at the right time or else I won't at all. Melatonin gives me headaches.

I hate dust. I am allergic to dust. I use this as an excuse not to clean up.

I drink coffee more than I drink water. Explains why I look dehydrated and nervy. I love instant coffee. I love sugar. Technically, I won't call it having coffee but having sugar.

I hate doing groceries. I don't do grocery lists. I usually end up with a headache when grocery shopping.

I listen to Madonna as much as I listen to Duncan Sheik and watch CNN's Anderson Cooper. I support piracy. I buy music from iTunes. I borrow books, and lend magazines.

In addition to my coffee/sugar addiction, I am a sucker for urgency...I look at my SMS and email alerts every minute. I respond to text messages within seconds. That tells you I expect the same, and that if I do not respond right away I haven't decided what to say.

I love working out, though I am lazy sometimes. I run on the treadmill like crazy, and do crazy abs workouts that get both confused smiles and attentive looks at the gym. I do hanging leg raised. Sideway crunches. Core exercises.

I am friends with my ex-es, though not in a let's-have-coffee-and-a-movie-once-a-week kind of friendly. That would simply be weird, considering we're dating someone one way or the other.

I played cupid several times. Not successful at all. Would have given up a long time ago, but once in a while I still try to play matchmaker. Ever the romantic, I guess.

I believe in motives and intentions, kind or cruel they exist. The company I keep is diverse and varied - though they all have one thing in common - honesty.

I care a lot. Sometimes too much. I am jealous. I try to keep my head down, yet I yearn for attention and recognition.

I know sacrifice. I know hardship. I know heartache. I know happiness. I know fear. I know regret. I know loss. I know hope.

I have lived, and died, and lived again. Same is true for love and hate. I am human, a proud one.

This is me.

system down

"Fault tolerant, my ass...can somebody tell these people what this means? ! ! ! "

More or less that's what I said when the servers went down an hour after we started tonight's shift. Anyway, after cooling down a bit I realized the wonder of the situation - I could actually spend time having coffee at Starbucks in Emerald and not worry about the emails that keep on coming, mostly complaints about tonight that I am just cc'd to. So I started texting.

Unfortunately for me, P're isn't buckling to my charms tonight. I would have called Sunshine but...wag na lang. Since everybody at work are so windang with what's happening, I figured it best to just keep my head lower and blog about nothing and everything.

So I blog away...

dirt

i luv dis show.

untangle me

Looking out of my window, I see dark clouds steadily forming in the horizon, threatening to bring another afternoon or even evening of heavy rains. From the time I put down the phone talking to one of my best friends to the time I realized the need to write again, the skies turned so dark it feels like night has fallen.

Then I sneezed and realized I have yet to be done with my weeklong expectorant therapy (whatever that means). I still have three chapters of that new Michael Crichton paperback Next. I still have dozens of Will & Grace episodes to watch. I still have tons of paperwork to accomplish. I still have to see my family. I still have to meet and have coffee with my friends whom I haven't seen in a while.

I still have to clean up my place, it's been almost 2 months since I moved in and the closest I've been to cleaning up is washing the dishes. My cleaning guy has been missing for months now, though I am not losing hope he'd come around and need extra income and volunteer to clean my place and wash my car. Incidentally, my car hasn't been washed in weeks, and I am beginning to find the scent of my interiors unappealling. I still have to bring Halle in for her repairs, since that minor accident I had on my way home from Tagaytay..Seems like years ago. How time flies.

Jen's arriving this Sunday, and it feels good to have her near for advice once more. It's been 3 months since she set out for the grand vacation. Of course, we kept in touch all these weeks, but I miss my friend whom I call Honey and cuddle with and hold hands with when we are at the mall.

I miss her level-headedness. Her ability to spank me figuratively, her kindness in dealing with me without being too patronizing or being too clinical. I am a child compared to her, though she never treated me like one.

It's complicated. It's not easy. I've heard it before, so what's different now?

Oh, the skies are beginning to clear, and the rain didn't come. Why oh why, eh I love it when it rains.

** the words

Have you ever found yourself at loss for words to describe whatever it is you feel at one time or the other, yet you use words to describe your feelings anyway because not to say anything is worse than filling out the meaning with inappropriate words?

Sometimes I envy those who can describe how they feel precisely as they feel it. Sad when they are sad. Happy when they are happy. Bothered when they are bothered, confused when they are confused. Angry for angry. Miffed for miffed.

I keep on forgetting that saying nothing because you do not feel anything, or not saying anything because the right words elude you at the moment, is OK. That it does not mean you don't want to talk about it. That saying "I don't know" does not make you incapable of communicating what you feel. That saying "maybe" doesn't make you indecisive.

That sometimes, no matter how remote the possibility is, being silent need not be a bad thing. Only because you have nothing to say. Only because you have no opinion. That doesn't make you any less than you already are.

scrapping the bottom of the barrel

I have to stop:

- thinking too far ahead in the future, as there are more things to be concerned about in the present and even in the past.

- worrying about the opinion of others, and start worrying about my opinion of myself.

- finding happiness from somewhere other than inside me.

- apologizing for who I am.

- hating myself.

And I have to start loving me more.

lost in the ER

I have this standing arrangement with Sunshine, that if and when she has a medical emergency I'd be the first person on her speed dial and I'll be the one to bring her to Makati Med. My one prayer is that this wouldn't ever happen.

I, for one, do not have someone on speed dial for emergencies. The closest candicate would be Darnel, since he'd proven a reliable resource when I have car troubles. Or my brother-in-law. But both live at least an hour away from me, so I am hopeless. Not that my friends wouldn't be rushing to my aid when I call them to, but seriously the ones who can come to me fast enough are either now living farther or, sadly, not easily reached by mobile phone.

Tonight I had to bring my friend Batman, who is suffering from hypertension, to Medical City. Of course, the situation isn't so serious, though scary for me since I really do know what to do if something worse would happen (like her passing out on me). I never really liked hospitals and to be honest, I sucked at taking control of the situation. After dropping her off to the ER I couldn't even find my way to the waiting room, nor the room where they had to keep her while managing her condition. All I am able to do is get out of the basement parking and find a Starbucks near the lobby and wait for her call. I have this crazy idea that you can't use cellular phones inside hospitals as the signal might interfere with life-saving machines, that me making a call to my friend to find her might cause the death of two other patients whose respirators might have stopped working due to interference. Crazy.

As the person on your speed dial for medical emergencies, I know I will suck big time. I don't even know if I could rise to the occassion and provide assistance more than driving you to the ER. When it comes to hospitals, I get all blank and useless. That's why I seldom visit sick friends, and so far the most I was able to do is to visit friends who just gave birth, but even that takes major effort.

Nothing beats asking questions, though it does not help that hospital personnel aren't as friendly as the baristas at Starbucks. They look at you as if you were crazy when you ask them where the waiting room for the ER is. And the guards look at you with suspicion when you have passed their station 3 times and still have no clue where the waiting room is.

Still, some things needed to be done and in these cases, one has to keep a strong will and a stronger heart. It helps that there's the familiar Starbucks. And those marble stools right between the coffeeshop and the hospital lobby. I wonder why they only have 3 tables and 12 chairs at Starbucks here, when there must be scores of people like me who needed to wait but can't bear to stand within 10 meters of a hospital bed?

So I wait, drink on one hand, Blackberry on the other, writing about tonight, observing, trying to absorb it all. Some attendants don't look at all that bad, some even hot if not for the circumstance that is tonight.

All I am waiting for, really, is that signal from Broody to let me know I can now say goodnight. It would be days before we'll see each other, and I am missing him badly. This makes me miss him more, and while I am helping out a friend in need, am ever more wishing to be anywhere but here. I guess I am just not used to this, given that this depressing scene I've almost forgotten: there was a time I spent more time in hospitals than at home, and I'd rather not be reminded of that sad period of my life.

But I think remembering will help me realize how good life had been, how precious my health is. Remembering gives me another chance to look at how far I've come, and how I have been neglecting my health. After all, nobody but my parents expect me to live past grade four. Well, some kids grow out of it, really.

I wish better health for this friend of mine. And for all the people I care about.

itchy bitsy spider

It started with the all-in-one DVD player that's surprisingly so cheap I would have bought extra for my parents if they're not that totally clueless about new gadgets (they'll get my old player instead)...I almost got that flat TV along with it.

Am having this itch once more to throw money away for consumer goods that I think I wanted (but not needed)...like a pair of Adidas running shoes...like that portable external HD where I plan to put all my files and music and porn...like more underwear and t-shirts and those incredibly sexy jeans from Samuel & Kevin. I also feel the need for a new phone, though honestly my use for a phone right now is limited to emails and sms. Twice I almost got my 3rd SE P990i if not for that voice in my head saying the iPhone is going to be available here in a few months anyway.

Plus Rye gave me that idea about getting discounts on that skin care program - said we might have it cheaper if we get it together...hmmm plus lots of stuff I wanted to just accumulate. Am even thinking of a new Outlander for next year...

Teka lang...control, control...

kicking out this addiction

Today is a non-Saturday.

What to do? What not to do?

Aha! DVD hunting...errands...nails and foot spa...telebabad...maybe even TonTon....

and eat all the bagels I have in one pass.

Life is all about adaptation.

am so gonna buy pirated DVDs

Yep, seen some episodes of 6-degrees and Ugly Betty over cable and guess what, I'm searching full season DVDs. I know, I know, these are kind of old shows. Well, so is Will & Grace.

Need a new player...a pirated one, too. That thing they use to "test" your copy, yah know. Anyway, my JVC player is old and needed to retire, as it does not consistently play pirated discs - yeah, mine seems to play only originals. So. Time to go.

This post? Nothing, really. My first time to cross-post from M to B; used to write first under Blogger then pull them up over to Multiply. This time I'm doing the reverse. Let's see what happens.

Someone's blog interested me enough to keep on reading. I needed to figure out how to customize my site the same way he did, like put a picture over  the main page that serves like a template that goes with everything. I am so gonna need Sunshine's expertise on customizing...

Hmm fried chicken too salty. Yuck.
Love Ellen.
Need to write that copy.

And my horoscope says I should be my own boss today....and avoid asking my boss for any favors. Well, I won't then. Not today. I will work alone and keep to myself. 

Oh, I wonder if Cupcakes date is on?

Need to workout, need my endorphins, too. And need to figure out if that's the celeb Marco AA I've been seeing at the gym late afternoons.

Hmmm..

funnity

Well, it was Carla who termed it, I guess. I read her blog regularly, just to keep up-to-date...

Anyway, it's fun. Listening to people who know nothing about what they were talking about. Yeah, one can pass off as an expert by mouthing the right words. Empty words, but effective in convincing another who's more ignorant than the one talking.

What can be funnier than listening to chimps talk IT stuff? No offense to my hairy brothers....sabagay, as long as someone else buys it, who's to say a monkey talking IT is funny when another person listens and nods intently?

Somehow, there's always one below us, and one above us. I guess you're never on your new low or at your new high....at any given time you're only on your new middle.

eeewww

Eeeewww....erase, erase.

Strong mental image, need to shake it off. Pucha. No...no...eewww.

There's a perfectly good reason why being a gentleman means being mum about it. To protect kids like me from images that will forever leave a scar on our psyche.

Buset. I shouldn't have asked. No matter how cool or grown-uppy I pretend, I couldn't shake it off now. Eeew.

Gentlemen don't tell...
.............and they don't ask. I guess I wasn't one, not tonight anyway.

360 na lang

Erap got convicted yesterday morning.

Took M to get some restful sleep and didn't bother to put the alarm. Got the news thru SMS from Broody. Heck, kind of expected it so turned the news on few hours later, since I wanted to get more sleep.

Six years and a guilty verdict? It would have been sweet victory had it happened sooner (whatever the outcome, that is). Sweeter if Ate Glo wasn't the beneficiary of our efforts to throw him out.

I wonder...are we really better off now? Why do I get this feeling that we're still being plundered left and right?

Hmmpft....babad na lang kay Anderson Cooper.

Yep...he is.

freeze-ables

I ran out of Broody's freeze-ables so I had to buy fast food. Am so tamad to thaw chicken and cook something. Buti na lang may Chowking.

Chao fan and stir-fried Kangkong...yummy.

Can't wait for remote Fridays...and maybe a Cupcakes date tonight? Sana weekend na...

Ahh may the wind blow our way.

i would have wanted

It doesn't make me happy...that one of your bubbles burst once more.
It doesn't make me proud...that I've known it would happen soon enough.
I would have wanted to be the one proven wrong.

It makes me sad, that you had to go through that to realize some truths about this brave new world you've moved in. I would have wanted my word to be enough to describe all the colors of the rainbow, but you had to see. Such is the price of knowledge, such is the cost of experience.

But I am relieved, somehow. That it happened that way. That my worst, extreme fears are just that, imagination of a dirty old mind. That it was a gentle bursting. That it was timely.

still can't find the words

But at least, I can work on this with some extra time, knowing that the competition doesn't really stand a chance to what I can offer.

That's me being humble. No wonder their copy got rejected one time too many. And he doesn't have the heart to tell them to scoot or die?

Hmmmm. 

i love you

From across the room, all I want to do is reach out and hold you. I know you are real, and yet this constant need to touch you and be assured of your presence is always there.

There were times when I allow my fears take over, for a while.It is your love that kept me going all those times. I belong to you. And you to me.

Forever is something we might never agree on. For now, the present is enough, the nearest future something to look forward to. Beyond that, who knows?

I love you for your kindness, your courage, your beauty.

I love how you can make me laugh by the simplest of gestures, like that growl with the hands formed into a tiger's claws.

I love you touching me, resting your head on my shoulders and saying you missed me.

I love you for your thirst to understand, to learn, to know.

I love you for your words that made me laugh, and those that made me cry, and those words that made me dream again.

I love you for your optimism and idealism, and for your humility to accept things that were and things that are.

That I love you deeply.

That I found you when I least expected to.

And even though the wind may sometimes not blow our way, I thank the universe for gift that is YOU.

weirdness

How much more weird could it get...

...my past

...my recent

...my present

all in the same place at the same time.

WEIRD isn't even gonna cut it.

when you can't find the words

I am supposed to write a copy for a brochure that the company would be producing in time for that big conference in Florida this September. Content only, that's what he said. Today's the deadline for the whole thing and I can't find the words.

Yes, am having a problem writing the first few lines that will give me a jumpstart. I used to do this at will - accept the assignment, walk around the office searching for the words to start me off writing, then sit down and type. And type I will until the first draft is done..but now...

Damn! It's not easy losing that streak you thought would never leave you. I guess I've been away too long. I guess I've been asleep too long.

You see, I'd rather write about whatever's going on in my head than whatever's going on in the business. I'd rather write about how I feel when my phone calls aren't being answered. I'd rather rant about being shut out. I'd rather do something I wanted to do, rather than do something I had to do.

There are times when I wish my life is as simple as when I was a kid, when worries about deadlines are limited to school projects and missed tv shows. Then I realize this: when I was a kid, I wished that I'd be a grown up and worry about what grownups worry about.

It's always easy sitting at the other side of the fence and wish that you were there instead of here.

runner's high

Broody calls it his time for endorphins. I call it my cure for depression.

And though I've known and experienced it long before I knew him, it's only now that I am really getting it. Yes, endorphins can lift you like no other drugs can.

I am talking about working out, making your body produce those chemicals that generally promote feelings of well-being. I used to say I run for dope, going for that runner's high. So true.

So on days that I feel down, the hardest part is dragging my ass 9 floors down to the gym. The effects are almost instantaneous - a few minutes up my usual cardio/warmup cycle and it's as if the world becomes a brighter place.

Now I have remedy for feeling down, all I have to find is remedy for being lazy.

the words of guru jen

"Sometimes we have this weird tendency..we do those hurtful things to ourselves because we wanted to prove we are right about our evil suspicions..right about things that we know for certain will hurt us the most...Isn't that insanity?

"Remember, the amount of love other people can give you can only be equal to how much you love yourself.

"So the bottom line, try to love deeply and believe more in your goodness...only then will you allow someone to love you with all his heart."

Oh, amen.

and we turn 4 on Tuesday

Wow.

You have stolen my heart...

Robbie turned 4 yesterday

and he wants a car, a real one, this time....

last year he wanted a motorcycle and got it.

i wanted him to have a puppy. i wonder what's on for his 5th?

grumpy sundays

Sundays have always been difficult for me. I tend to be sad or feel alone on Sundays, especially Sunday afternoons. There are exceptions, of course, but the general rule would be if it's a Sunday, Mopey must be grumpy and sad.

I can only theorize why...I believe I have associated Sundays with sad experiences in my life. Sad but not necessarily bad experiences.

As a grade student I hated Sundays because it meant tomorrow will be Monday, when school becomes the focus of my week.

As a high school student, I dreaded Sundays because it meant leaving home for science high school.

As a kid, I hated Sundays because Dad will be leaving us to work at a remote area and we have no idea when he's going to back, although it seemed certain that next Saturday he'll come home to stay for another night.

I've had too many heart break episodes on Sundays. I won't even attempt to enumerate, but it seems they all happen more on Sundays than any other day of the week.

Nowadays I try not to dwell on the madness of Sundays. It helps that I have my friends to turn to, spending time with them over dinner and coffee. So on Sundays I seek my friends for a get-together, a little chat and a quick massage. I am happy I have you guys.

And recently, in addition to my Sunday remedy for sadness and grumpyness, I have Broody. I look forward to sharing cupcakes and watching dog walkers at Boni High Street, conversing about matters of our lives, our fears and insecurities, our hopes and dreams, and even little things too mundane to write about here. We may not be totally in synch with everything (who is?) but at least we talk about it openly.

And even though we sometimes snap and say things we didn't really mean but say anyway because we are too tired, too lazy or too weary, we can always look forward to hearing the other side and understanding each other, forgiving and being forgiven, and loving each other more each passing day.

bagel love

I am so hungry this hour I took a bagel and spread cream cheese liberaly all over it. Yummy. Filling. I don't know why I am this hungry, given that Broody fed me with enough turmeric rice and that delicious pork recipe a few hours back. It feels good, really good - having him around, cooking us dinner. What I'd give to have this arrangement more often, daily if possible. Believe me, home-cooked food is only the second reason why I am feeling this good.

Tomorrow we'll have a cook out with my college buddies - well, just a few Filipino dishes that Regol and Kim planned weeks before, when Kim and I were plotting a major reconciliation for Manny and Regol - these two have not been talking for more than a month now. The plan was to not let Regol know Manny is coming, but later on Kim and I relented and decided it best to ask Regol how he feels about all these. Tentatively he's okay with it, so Kim and I were safe in the lying department.

On my second bagel now. I decided to stay at home instead of going to the office, since most of the things I need to do can be done remotely. Broody's left 2 hours before, and the place is a bit sad now that he's left. Looking forward to breakfast and that oatmeal congee.

Bored looking at outbound stats, I chanced upon HB's blog and decided to read thru his life's stories. Well, HB isn't a personal acquaintance, mind you, and I only got to know him because of Rye. I knew his stories because he told Rye most of it, and Rye told me all of it.

Anyway, while I've known for weeks that he'd broken up with my namesake-without-the-H, I am still curious what really happened. So I read and read.

Apparently, this time, it was HB who cheated - with a friend. Which kind of bothers me. For one, I knew HB was so much in love with my namesake-without-the-H that he's done things only a saint and a martyr could have done. Of the 3 years they spent together, it was almost always HB who does the forgiving. It surprised me that this time, it is he who needed forgiving.

I've never had breakups because someone cheated, to be honest. So I really cannot judge much of HB's situation. I know people who have been cheated on, and how they damned the "3rd" party to the depths of hell. For some, the 3rd party was a friend. In HB's case, yes, the 3rd party was "their" friend.

Which brings me to this - is it always like that? Is friendship the natural vehicle to break an already established romantic relationship? One could argue that the friend isn't really a friend if that happened, or that the romantic relationship isn't strong enough in the first place.

But isn't it that in courtship, almost always, friendship becomes a starting point?

I need another bagel.