I love this...having "lunch" at a fastfood around midnight. Jollibee. The drizzle turned full-pledged rain by the time my order came, so I ate in instead.
Got to think about stuff I've been pushing at the back of my mind. Like how close I am to failing in my last subject at grad school, finals in a few days and I haven't read a thing. It started when he left, my losing interest with school. Of course, it didn't help that I had a "pansit" for a team. Ahh but I had to see this through, no matter what the outcome will be. I won't quit, not now.
Gym has become more enjoyable since I got Kikopod (my nano). Less distraction from the thump-thump of the runner beside me (or the house music they try to play on Divisoria-sourced sound system). My friend told me I'm actually so aloof at the gym that he wouldn't even try to say hi sometimes. Hmmm..what to do with this perception of not being approachable? Chat with friends near the watering hole? Not my thing, sorry. Ah at least my crush doesn't think I'd bite his head off if he asks to alternate with my machine he he he. Been seeing him for weeks working out alone, is he single again? Ha ha as if I'd do something about this, I am so torpe you could bet a million against me making the first move.
There's another crush, of course. A friend of a friend. See how torpe I am, can't even find the courage to say hi at Friendster, much less ask for his number when we see each other at Greenbelt. And I wouldn't dare tell my friend...long story. Wait...why am I consciously avoiding him by not going to the places I expect him to be in, like Government, despite the invites from well-meaning friends. Just a crush, Kiko...just a crush.
No plans for Holy Week yet; maybe I'd go to San Fernando and document the famous flagellants and crucifixion stuff they do there? I don't like going to the beach at this time, crowd gets to me. Maybe I'll watch DVDs of QAF and OTC and OC instead? Will Greenbelt be open? Will Malate be? Worst case I'll do some work or read Hollinghurst and Michael Thomas Ford novels.
I had to find a new place in Makati, closer to work. I couldn't sleep once the sun is up, so the best thing is to go home before 4am and try to beat the sunrise. QC isn't so bad at all, but with my schedule it's a hassle even if the drive is just 20 minutes from work. I'm so used to the 5-minute walk to work I don't know how long it will take for me to adjust to new realities. Ahh this one I'm pushing further back, won't think about this until school is up.
Someone accused me of being mababaw. I was asked this: "If I were not cute, would you still date me"? I honestly didn't know how to answer this, since I've consciously chosen my dates based on looks first, personality and character came in later (deciding whether to continue seeing someone is driven primarily by whether I liked the personality and character, and "cute" isn't always date-able). So I said whoever it is I am dating (read: seriously seeing) it had to be someone I really liked. I meant that for me to continue seeing someone (and this does not apply to friends), I had to be really interested, not just physically (looks could only get you through a second date, I think) but beyond that (do I need to elaborate?)
Still it irked me that someone would stereotype me as mababaw just because I didn't say I'd date him even if he's not good looking (okay, the term used in the question is ugly). I am a very patient guy, but my fuse is very short against 2 types of people: those know-it-all types, and those holier-than-though types. This time I really lost it and snapped at the guy. No second dates, no matter now cute he is.
When will they ever release the P990i? Can't wait to get my hands on this new gadget. Oh my, forgot to claim my shirt at SPF pala...susko. Been 2 weeks na...and RENT is showing this week but got nobody to see it with. Usual movie buddies suddenly became unreachable. Maybe it's the flu season. Don't want to see it alone. Besides, I feel guilty going to the movies on finals week. No, I'll go see it with someone I could share it with. Sino kaya?
Ooops, gotta beat the sunrise.
They say people come to our lives for a reason, a season, or for a lifetime.
Why did you come at all I do not know. I certainly did not pray for you, so you didn't come for a reason.
Did you come for a season? Because that's how it looks to me, you came because it was time for me to grow and share and learn, and not necessarily in that order. But if that is the case, then why did your leaving become the point of it all? You were gone even before winter became spring.
You definitely did not come for a lifetime, because you are no longer here.
The irony is that you will forever be part of my life, someone I will always consider as one of the most important people who came. And stayed a while. But then was gone.
They say I should thank you for that...for coming, no matter if it's for a reason, a season, or for a lifetime. Thank you then, though I would have been more grateful if you didn't. I wasn't ready for you, I didn't ask for you, never prayed for someone like you in my life.
Now...
I am ready for someone like you.
I need someone like you.
I want someone like you.
I am even praying for someone like you.
Thank you for coming. Someday I'd thank you for leaving.
Last week I rekindled my long-lost relationship with the iPod and got myself a nano. In terms of sound quality we're not there yet (the main reason why I gave up on the iPod btw), but it beats running with a stone on your pocket.
Having the nano spawned several new habits: listening to house music full volume, walking without seeing, looking up lyrics of love songs I liked but never bothered to memorize.
The last one I could have done without, as the timing is lousy - am depressed, once again. Songs are powerful things that move us, the words could be like razors cutting through your heart.
Like:
"So I've learned that love's not possession...and I've learned that love won't wait...now I've learned that love needs expression...but I learned too late.."
Or this:
"I close my eyes, and dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
.....I'd give away my soul to hold you once again
And never let this promise end"
I've got several hundred songs already, some I use while at the gym, others I listen to at times like this when I just prefer music to the silence of the night. Later I decided to do Madonna (I meant download all of Madge's songs). You should see my playlists, more mixed up than I am ha ha ha.
Sleepy zzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Exactly a month since you left.
I realize I've been trying to live my life as if you never happened, and last night I had time to think what would have been our life together had things been different. If you were here it would have been more unbearable; as it is, your being away made is so much easier to think that regardless of how I feel (or how you feel) there's nothing I (we) can do about it, not for now anyway.
The sorrow isn't as bad as before; the pain a vague feeling of how it used to be. I never wanted to feel that way again, but there's no guarantee, is there?
Friends say my case isn't that tragic after all; they say for some it takes years to get up and move on; they believe my being able to "swing around" and move on almost immediately is testament to how well I've managed the situation. If only they knew.
Only those who had felt the same way I did would understand that there's no other choice but to get up and move on; they would understand how painful it is to do so, how much courage it takes to face the world and project an aura of recovery and well-being. To survive it was necessary to let go and move on.
The heart has a mind of its own; it also has a memory of its own. It does not forget as easily as the one between our ears. It has its own time. It follows it own will. Bend it not for it will break.
Bored looking at stock prices and fingers numbed typing hundreds of codes, I took a break and get to think about weddings. Yes, weddings - the one where two people say "I do" for a lot of things, including, I think, loving one another, obeying one and serving the other. There're some stuff about honor, too..whatever. Weddings, ruffles and flowers and all.
I can't remember the first wedding I've ever witnessed, though I can count few memorable ones like my sister's and my former bosses', the first one on the stretch of Baler beach one very warm May noon, the other on a hot air balloon over Napa valley one early November morning. These two I remember well, the former going strong by the day, the other ending up in divorce 2 months later; but most other weddings I've been to I can barely remember.
I get to thinking about weddings because one of my best friends wanted one.
When you're living my life and following my schedule, waking up to the insistent ringing of my mobile phone "early" morning is a major disaster, certain to elicit the most potent expletives that would make the devil cringe. But this is my best friend, the same chap who, on several occassions over the years, would call me up on the wee hours of the morning to announce seemingly-mundane-but-in-reality-life-changing-decisions worthy of my attention, like having sex for the first time, being in love with a guy, or breaking up with the same guy. So I bit my tongue and got ready to fall asleep while listening.
(You might ask why do I keep my mobile phone on when sleeping. Habit, I guess.)
"I want us to get married," is the opening line of my friend Tix, referring to his partner of a few months. My gut impulse is to throw my cellphone to the wall, but I was conscious enough to realize its market value might be enough to pay for the wedding singer's talent fee. So I endured a few seconds more of his ramblings then told him to f_ck off.
Later we got to talking more about his wedding plans, or at least, his marriage proposal. Plus all our friends got to hear about it soon enough, and it's been the topic of most conversations since. Hence my wedding thoughts for the remainder of the week.
First of all, it's not going to be a conventional wedding. Unless they plan to wed in Madrid or London or Vancouver, it's just a symbolic ritual for the two of them and their friends. They might as well exchange vows over a bowl of noodles at Chowking. But it would be nice to see them wed with all the ceremonies and rituals that come with it, I think. Garden wedding? Nah, beach is more like it. I want to be the ring bearer. I wonder who's going to wear the belo?
Second, though, I have serious reservations about the timing. They barely know each other (although they may feel they've known one another for a lifetime, like most lovers do when they're crazy and in-love). They haven't even tried living together yet (these days it would be so easy to try it out and set up home together first). What makes them think it will not change the dynamics of their relationship? Having to see each other daily and wake up beside one another - it changes everything.
Third, I know for a fact that while they are very much in love, therein lies the problem. Everything is rosy so far, as if nothing could keep them apart. Well, they have not encountered any major crisis yet, making them "too young" to handle anything. I mean, more than love, what could bring out the best and worst of a couple than a crisis that affects one or both?
Fourth, and this is important: our circle of friends barely know the other partner. I am not saying we do not approve of the guy, but we haven't got the chance to get to know him well. Among us, this circle had been one of the sources of strength in times of need. We feel that we are as much a part of our friend's life as his partner is now, and we are family. We are the future in-laws, so to speak. We need time to accept him as one of us.
Sometimes I think my reservation towards my best friend getting married is deeply rooted on the fourth reason. Maybe I am just not ready to see my best friend build his own nest? Maybe am just jealous that he would find love after all what he's been through (and after all what he has put us through whenever there's a heartbreak or a failed relationship)? Or maybe it's transference; I am subconsciously afraid not for him but for myself, in case I end up in the same situation and take the other divergent path?
I trust my best friend. Whatever he comes up with, whether he'll walk down the aisle (or barefoot on the beach) now, later or never, I will walk with him.
This one I had to write for someone I care for. I must admit some of my words here sound cruel and insensitive, but if you know my friend as much as I do, you'll understand why I am writing this way. Honestly, if I could make him feel pain physically, I would rather punch and kick him to wake him up to his senses; unfortunately, nothing hurts more than a broken heart and a broken will. So here it goes:
Dear friend,
So you cried. Is he worth spilling your tears over? Someone capable of treating you so callously does not merit a drop, but you do not see that at all, do you?
Why would you want someone who does not want you back, not in the way you wanted him to? He wants someone else, so why do you wish that he'd change his mind (and heart)?
Why do you spend so much time and energy proving to him that you can play around, that like him you can f_ck-and-go? Did you think you'll hurt him that way? He would hardly ever notice, wouldn't even care when he does, and guess what? You'll only hurt yourself.
You said you wanted things to be simple, yet you contradict yourself by wishing for impossible things. You want him to love you; you might as well wish for the moon.
Why do you go on searching for the one who will complete you; didn't you know that you were never incomplete?
Why do you say friendship is important to you; if it is so important, then why do you surround yourself with people whose idea of friendship is a night with you at a bar, cruising, only to leave you as soon as the the next trick take their fancy?
I thought you wanted to talk? To do so you have to be able to listen.
Why do you look for love at all the wrong places? You go in a hookup bar, you get hooked up. Nothing more, nothing less.
Why do you blame him for losing your self-confidence? It was yours to lose anyway, not his. Blame yourself then.
You wanted your life back? If what you had is a life that led you to this dark place, aren't you wishing for hell twice over?
You can f_ck around all you want. You can stay awake at night wishing he'd call you and beg you to be his. You can frequent the bars he goes to on Friday nights and watch him dance the night away with someone, anyone but you.
You can cry until your eyes are dry and your throat is parched.You can mope forever.
But remember: You'll wake up one day and realize that the sun has not stopped rising at dawn nor has it stopped setting at dusk. Life goes on, and it is you who dared to stop loving yourself.
I love this...having "lunch" at a fastfood around midnight. Jollibee. The drizzle turned full-pledged rain by the time my order came, so I ate in instead.
