As I slowly pick up the pieces and try to make sense of what happened over the last few months, I had overlooked some small stuff that made my life interesting and enjoyable enough during those times I was flying high and fast:
*I miss driving out of town just for the fun of it, and taking photographs of places and people I haven't seen or met before. Lately, if and when I get a break and travel somewhere, I can't seem to enjoy taking pictures anymore. However, the passion is still there and I am beginning to miss it.
*I miss taking 2 hours off work each night just to work out at my gym. I used to miss 2 hours of primetime but don't care since I enjoyed working out at RSC (yes yes, it's Gymcrush and Stuart and Armstrong that make it all the more interesting). I miss doing yoga on Monday nights and watching our instructor Winnie do those seemingly impossible poses. Nowadays I had to workout around lunchtime before I go to work, and sometimes I had to do it in Ortigas though I've never quite warmed up to the place.
*I miss those late night movies at Greenbelt 3 with a good friend who recently decided to retreat from corporate life and go back to school. I miss those late dinners at Hossein's or Pasha or Bubba Gump. Nowadays I can't do last full shows anymore, and dinners are with another good friend Kim at one of the fast foods along Emerald Avenue or at one of the joints at the Megastrip. We have yet to dine with Jen, who ironically is at Megamall during dinnertime but never answers soon enough for us to get together.
*I miss my team, Precious, Bessa, Jen, Robert and the rest of the CIA. What I'd give for us to work together again. I miss our early Saturday Ops meetings where I get the chance to get to see them mature each passing day, how they strive to do better and excel, how they struggle with their youthful idealism, how they long for validation and approval. In my own way I know I had a hand in what they have become, and I am validated each day to find out that they've done well on their own.
*I miss the occassional Infoma meetings, dinner and happy hours in either Salcedo or Legaspi or the Fort, wherever Sunshine and Thea say it will be.
I know it is too much wishful thinking to hope for the good old days to happen again. I can still do the little things that make me happy, albeit this time it's going to be with someone else. A new set of friends, a new gym buddy or a new team. They will never replace the ones I've come to consider as integral part of my life, but I have more room to accomodate everyone. Each one is unique, each playing a part that only he can.
And if and when we meet again, we smile and embrace and catch up and talk about old times. If we're lucky, we'll pick up right where we left off. If not so, a smile and a wave or a promise to keep in touch is enough.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Talking by not talking
Your sms are coming like rain drops at the end of summer, urging to me go home. I've stayed at work two hours longer than I need to, and I am taking a few minutes more to write you this.
It seems to me you haven't fully appreciated the situation we are in - my new job, my new realities and their implications on our being together. I just wish you'd realize that I wouldn't be around all the time anymore, and that my radio silence is simply an indication of how badly I wanted to succeed here.
It's getting worse, more so because I expected that as we move along and get to know each other more, one will understand what drives the other. I guess I don't know you so well, and vice versa. What's bothering me is how easy it is for me to block thoughts of you out when I had to, and these days I need to focus more and more on my job than on anything or anyone else. What's bothering me is that you seem to become more needy each day, and while I assume it is because we barely see each other anymore, it's the little comments that bug me. And irritate me they do.
That you got sick and I am barely there for you bothers me. Part of me is guilty I can not even get you the meds when you ran out of your doses one time. Part of me is angry that you never wanted to see the doctor, and worse never wanted to tell your family you were sick. I almost freaked out thinking if something bad happens to you, I'd be the one to blame. I freaked out when I realized we aren't anything, so I shouldn't be freaking out at all.
That you got mad at me for thinking of moving to Ortigas, bothers me. It also bothers me that when I floated the possibility of me leaving the country within the year you went cold and distant, as if I am leaving tomorrow. It was just a thought, you know. But the Ortigas thing? It is something I had to do.
And what bothers me the most is that you refuse to talk about your feelings in front of me. I know it is difficult, for I also have the same issues about confrontations - but at least I am willing to talk, and to listen. We don't have to agree on anything, we just have to talk.
It seems to me you haven't fully appreciated the situation we are in - my new job, my new realities and their implications on our being together. I just wish you'd realize that I wouldn't be around all the time anymore, and that my radio silence is simply an indication of how badly I wanted to succeed here.
It's getting worse, more so because I expected that as we move along and get to know each other more, one will understand what drives the other. I guess I don't know you so well, and vice versa. What's bothering me is how easy it is for me to block thoughts of you out when I had to, and these days I need to focus more and more on my job than on anything or anyone else. What's bothering me is that you seem to become more needy each day, and while I assume it is because we barely see each other anymore, it's the little comments that bug me. And irritate me they do.
That you got sick and I am barely there for you bothers me. Part of me is guilty I can not even get you the meds when you ran out of your doses one time. Part of me is angry that you never wanted to see the doctor, and worse never wanted to tell your family you were sick. I almost freaked out thinking if something bad happens to you, I'd be the one to blame. I freaked out when I realized we aren't anything, so I shouldn't be freaking out at all.
That you got mad at me for thinking of moving to Ortigas, bothers me. It also bothers me that when I floated the possibility of me leaving the country within the year you went cold and distant, as if I am leaving tomorrow. It was just a thought, you know. But the Ortigas thing? It is something I had to do.
And what bothers me the most is that you refuse to talk about your feelings in front of me. I know it is difficult, for I also have the same issues about confrontations - but at least I am willing to talk, and to listen. We don't have to agree on anything, we just have to talk.
Cab in the city
I miss Halle.
Weeks ago some stupid driver hit the back of my car and I had to bring Halle in for repairs, mostly aesthetic. It's been four days and I had to wait until Monday before I see Halle again.
On the flip side, I get to experience haggling with taxi drivers. What I hate most about them is that they have the gall to refuse you a ride because you're going to Ortigas and they are "Makati-only" cabs. What the heck?
Either we have designated routes for taxis ala buses and jeepneys, or we outlaw this kind of practice altogether.
Wait, who am I kidding? I am in the Philippines, my golly. Asa ka pa.
Weeks ago some stupid driver hit the back of my car and I had to bring Halle in for repairs, mostly aesthetic. It's been four days and I had to wait until Monday before I see Halle again.
On the flip side, I get to experience haggling with taxi drivers. What I hate most about them is that they have the gall to refuse you a ride because you're going to Ortigas and they are "Makati-only" cabs. What the heck?
Either we have designated routes for taxis ala buses and jeepneys, or we outlaw this kind of practice altogether.
Wait, who am I kidding? I am in the Philippines, my golly. Asa ka pa.
Ooopss here it comes
Seen HOUSE lately? Remember the episode where Cameron got miffed at Foreman for stealing her article, with House doing nothing about it?
Story struck a nerve. Not because someone stole an idea I had or something. Several things happened in the not-so-distant past that reminded me that bad things happen to good people.
Case of the cold cut
Someone I considered a friend "stole" from me, literally. How else do you call someone taking a cut off your pay to fatten their wallet? I would have felt better if said "friend" pimped for me, at least the commission (is that what they call it?) is something I agreed to give. And at least I would have enjoyed doing it ;-)
This is one for the books. Imagine your agent negotiating more for you, and telling you he managed to get less? That's lying. And when he actually gave you less that what you supposedly got, well, that's stealing.
Now imagine it is someone you thought to be a friend?
Case of the tainted fang
I am naive. I am gullible. Agnostic I am, but I do believe in the goodness of people. Between assuming the worst and hoping for the best, I would do the later when it comes to people. No matter what our history was. I believe that people can change.
So this person I had a bad history with, for being dishonest and for back-biting (I don't know what else to call it, though) became my colleague once more. Guess what? A few smiles and friendly banter and I was willing to forgive and forget (I had done both I guess).
It took a few days and it's back to her old ways - smiling that treacherous smile and hiding her poison-ladden fangs. A few days and I've been bitten once more.
The House episode struck a chord with what House and Cuddy advised Cameron on how to handle the situation:
House
Basically House wants Cameron to be meaner, become more human - which means to fight back, be agressive and even do the same thing Foreman did.
Cuddy
On the other hand, Cuddy tells Cameron to write more and better articles. In a way she's saying the best revenge is to be better than Foreman.
While I agree with House in the sense that you can't always be nice to everybody, I also agree with Cuddy - that the only way to beat your opponents is to best them at every turn. They steal your idea? Come up with something better, something that would make their idea seem stupid.
Maybe the best way is to adapt both? I will be more cynical of people's motives. I will be more agressive in protecting my turf, not letting down my guard a bit. I may forgive but I will never forget. Then I will make excellence my habit, making sure I am the best person there is to do this job.
What I refuse to do is to steal, or lie, or rat on someone just to get ahead. I refuse to stoop down their level of pathetic existence, because I am better as I chose to be better. There's nothing more satisfying than seeing incompetent people trapped into their musty little kingdoms called cubicles, incapable of seeing their own inadequacies, living in the shadows of the lies they convinced themselves to be the truth - their twisted self-importance masking their incompetence.
Indeed, living well is the best revenge.
Story struck a nerve. Not because someone stole an idea I had or something. Several things happened in the not-so-distant past that reminded me that bad things happen to good people.
Case of the cold cut
Someone I considered a friend "stole" from me, literally. How else do you call someone taking a cut off your pay to fatten their wallet? I would have felt better if said "friend" pimped for me, at least the commission (is that what they call it?) is something I agreed to give. And at least I would have enjoyed doing it ;-)
This is one for the books. Imagine your agent negotiating more for you, and telling you he managed to get less? That's lying. And when he actually gave you less that what you supposedly got, well, that's stealing.
Now imagine it is someone you thought to be a friend?
Case of the tainted fang
I am naive. I am gullible. Agnostic I am, but I do believe in the goodness of people. Between assuming the worst and hoping for the best, I would do the later when it comes to people. No matter what our history was. I believe that people can change.
So this person I had a bad history with, for being dishonest and for back-biting (I don't know what else to call it, though) became my colleague once more. Guess what? A few smiles and friendly banter and I was willing to forgive and forget (I had done both I guess).
It took a few days and it's back to her old ways - smiling that treacherous smile and hiding her poison-ladden fangs. A few days and I've been bitten once more.
The House episode struck a chord with what House and Cuddy advised Cameron on how to handle the situation:
House
Basically House wants Cameron to be meaner, become more human - which means to fight back, be agressive and even do the same thing Foreman did.
Cuddy
On the other hand, Cuddy tells Cameron to write more and better articles. In a way she's saying the best revenge is to be better than Foreman.
While I agree with House in the sense that you can't always be nice to everybody, I also agree with Cuddy - that the only way to beat your opponents is to best them at every turn. They steal your idea? Come up with something better, something that would make their idea seem stupid.
Maybe the best way is to adapt both? I will be more cynical of people's motives. I will be more agressive in protecting my turf, not letting down my guard a bit. I may forgive but I will never forget. Then I will make excellence my habit, making sure I am the best person there is to do this job.
What I refuse to do is to steal, or lie, or rat on someone just to get ahead. I refuse to stoop down their level of pathetic existence, because I am better as I chose to be better. There's nothing more satisfying than seeing incompetent people trapped into their musty little kingdoms called cubicles, incapable of seeing their own inadequacies, living in the shadows of the lies they convinced themselves to be the truth - their twisted self-importance masking their incompetence.
Indeed, living well is the best revenge.
Sun shines on me
What a difference a short conversation makes. Of course, it's more of a negotiation than a conversation, although I tried to make it look like it's chit chat. I cornered my "new" boss and asked for something most ordinary bosses wouldn't give, and I was surprised with the three words he gave me in return...
You are fired..?
No way man...?
Not a chance...?
No, no, no...?
Of course, not, silly. "You got it..." is more like it.
That night more than a week ago, I slept like a baby. The following morning, I woke up with a renewed sense of well-being. It's the first time in months that this happened, since those fateful days in December when I had to tell my people they don't have jobs anymore or that day in March when my own firm defaulted on me. Nowadays I am able to complain about ordinary stuff, like traffic and the fact that Manila has become like Mumbai, temperature-wise. Those days I figured there are more important things to complain about, like working without getting the pay you contractually deserve or being dragged into legal battles just to save someone's ass (namely, your boss').
Finally, the sun is shining. The rain has stopped, although I get the occassional drizzle here and there. Of course, this time of year I would appreciate the rain and the drizzle, literally. So I now see the things I used to ignore. I now appreciate short walks along Emerald Avenue or to Megamall, whereas before I walk or drive without really seeing the things around me.
And more importantly, Ortigas doesn't look so bad anymore. In fact, I am contemplating on moving my base to Ortigas from Makati. Well, not until my lease expires, which is two months from now. Plenty of time to look for a perfect place to stay for the next 12 months.
You are fired..?
No way man...?
Not a chance...?
No, no, no...?
Of course, not, silly. "You got it..." is more like it.
That night more than a week ago, I slept like a baby. The following morning, I woke up with a renewed sense of well-being. It's the first time in months that this happened, since those fateful days in December when I had to tell my people they don't have jobs anymore or that day in March when my own firm defaulted on me. Nowadays I am able to complain about ordinary stuff, like traffic and the fact that Manila has become like Mumbai, temperature-wise. Those days I figured there are more important things to complain about, like working without getting the pay you contractually deserve or being dragged into legal battles just to save someone's ass (namely, your boss').
Finally, the sun is shining. The rain has stopped, although I get the occassional drizzle here and there. Of course, this time of year I would appreciate the rain and the drizzle, literally. So I now see the things I used to ignore. I now appreciate short walks along Emerald Avenue or to Megamall, whereas before I walk or drive without really seeing the things around me.
And more importantly, Ortigas doesn't look so bad anymore. In fact, I am contemplating on moving my base to Ortigas from Makati. Well, not until my lease expires, which is two months from now. Plenty of time to look for a perfect place to stay for the next 12 months.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Doodle
I am running out of ideas where to spend the next few days.
The mountain or the sea?
Hike and climb or frolick and swim?
Having said no to Boracay and Puerto Galera and Palawan and a bigger NO to spending it with family this year, I can't bear the thought of being in Manila or Makati this Holy Week.
La Union seems like a good idea, though I am tamad to drive up there.
And I've run out of DVDs to watch, books to read, magazines to browse. Cupboard is empty save for a few packets of potato chips. Bukas ba ang 7-Eleven pag Holy Week?
*think*
The mountain or the sea?
Hike and climb or frolick and swim?
Having said no to Boracay and Puerto Galera and Palawan and a bigger NO to spending it with family this year, I can't bear the thought of being in Manila or Makati this Holy Week.
La Union seems like a good idea, though I am tamad to drive up there.
And I've run out of DVDs to watch, books to read, magazines to browse. Cupboard is empty save for a few packets of potato chips. Bukas ba ang 7-Eleven pag Holy Week?
*think*
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
What I'd give up, what I found
Lent. Never been a fan of giving up meat for lent. I am not about to start now. Well, honestly, never been a fan of giving up anything, so there you go. Bite me. (Oh, I leave it to you readers which meat I may be referring to here...you and your dirty...whatever).
This time, however, I wish I could give up one thing. And not just for lent. Forever. I will give up my bad luck! Yes, Sunshine, your friend has had a string of bad luck lately, and it ain't leaving me, not yet anyway.
Let me count the ways...
* had to personally serve pink slips to at least 60 people
* then lost my job and the perks that come with it
* one hundred sixty fucking thousand ripped off my credit card thru fraud
* plus a few thousands stolen from my atm
* Halle had a flat tire
* then two weeks later some Portuguese transplant hit the rear of my car over EDSA
Ironically, as a Rabbit I am supposed to be one of the luckiest guys on the planet this year of the Fire Pig. And yet I seem to be the having the worst luck this time of year. Will things ever turn around?
Of course, there are good things beneath the bad. RL, for one. And very good and loyal friends around. People I share the pain and laughter with. My family. My friends. I said I lost my job but I immediately transitioned into another, though I still have reservations regarding this one. Ok to be honest I really hate working in Ortigas. There.
They say we have to look at the bright side, find meaning and purpose. Things happen for a reason, they say. It's been a while since I last forced myself to think things over, and try to sift through the mess and search the treasure the universe intended me to find.
Maybe, I am indeed lucky - that despite the bad luck around me I managed to escape unscathed. Maybe it is my luck that kept me alive all these times, so that I may look deeper inside and find the one thing I have been searching for. If these things didn't happen, I would have never realized that more than anything else, I wanted to live a life of purpose, simple and true.
I discovered the path. I now have to walk though it.
This time, however, I wish I could give up one thing. And not just for lent. Forever. I will give up my bad luck! Yes, Sunshine, your friend has had a string of bad luck lately, and it ain't leaving me, not yet anyway.
Let me count the ways...
* had to personally serve pink slips to at least 60 people
* then lost my job and the perks that come with it
* one hundred sixty fucking thousand ripped off my credit card thru fraud
* plus a few thousands stolen from my atm
* Halle had a flat tire
* then two weeks later some Portuguese transplant hit the rear of my car over EDSA
Ironically, as a Rabbit I am supposed to be one of the luckiest guys on the planet this year of the Fire Pig. And yet I seem to be the having the worst luck this time of year. Will things ever turn around?
Of course, there are good things beneath the bad. RL, for one. And very good and loyal friends around. People I share the pain and laughter with. My family. My friends. I said I lost my job but I immediately transitioned into another, though I still have reservations regarding this one. Ok to be honest I really hate working in Ortigas. There.
They say we have to look at the bright side, find meaning and purpose. Things happen for a reason, they say. It's been a while since I last forced myself to think things over, and try to sift through the mess and search the treasure the universe intended me to find.
Maybe, I am indeed lucky - that despite the bad luck around me I managed to escape unscathed. Maybe it is my luck that kept me alive all these times, so that I may look deeper inside and find the one thing I have been searching for. If these things didn't happen, I would have never realized that more than anything else, I wanted to live a life of purpose, simple and true.
I discovered the path. I now have to walk though it.
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