Nowadays I try to *sigh* in silence, lest someone sees me and assume I have asthma problem. Everything around me looks bleak and weary, despite the clear skies and the higher temperatures shouting the early arrival of Pinas summer. I would have appreciated dark skies and rains more...
There seem to be no ending to this. How much deeper is the bottom of the barrel?
I know there's a silver lining somewhere. A tipping point. An event that will happen that will signal that the tides are turning to our advantage. I know what that event might be, and I have a fairly good idea of when it will happen. But knowing is different from experiencing.
*sigh*
Okay, not everything that's happening is about doom..not at all, though from the look of things, would have been easier if a nuclear detonation actually happened. Destruction would have been immediate, hence painless. But that's not the case.
Today I slowly realized that I've been here before, roughly 5 years ago I've also seen and experienced something like this. I survived that one, maybe not unscathed, but I did survive and lived to tell the tale. Unfortunately, things were also different. Then I was at a foreign land, and home wasn't just a fallback, it was the destination. It also helped that I had a devil to blame. This time, blame lies somewhere, someplace I am not comfortable looking into.
Silver lining. A sliver of hope. There's a few minute details I've neglected to think of when I wallow in self-pity and drown in depression. Things I am thankful for.
*Friends who have stayed with me through thick or thin, friends I am carrying this yoke with. Friends who shed tears while watching The Fountain or The Pursuit of Happyness - one about letting go, the other about holding on.
*A year almost to the date, the anniversary of my Jason episode. I completely forgot about it, can't even think of it as a major thing in my past. Few weeks ago I thought I'd be depressed, because that's how we do when anniversaries of bad things come by, but nope, I can't even remember what I felt that time. I knew I cried, felt so lost I could barely get out of the room. But this time? Nada. That period of my life is dwarfed by the storm currently raging around and within me, threatening to abolish all that I've worked so hard for all my years.
*RL. For being there at the darkest hours, offering comfort and much more, distracting me from the suffering around me, urging me to move on, supporting me for decisions that seem petty, being patient over my stubborn stance.
*The beach. Good thing he's also stubborn, "forcing" me to book our flight and take a break in Boracay next week. On my own I wouldn't summon the energy to push the "buy it" button; but RL made it easy by being so excited about the trip I felt guilty being a killjoy. I am feeling guilty of so many things I don't even have control of, this one's not going to be on me.
*The flat tire. Halle blew a flat for the first time in 3 years, and as if I needed reminding there's more practical matters at hand than worrying about a future that's making my present dull and unhappy. I figured I can only do so much with so little time, and the ones right under my nose have a better chance of getting solved by me than the ones under somebody else's. Yeah, I wanted to shove that face right to the problems that hound us, and shout "We need leadership!" But why bother? Leadership is innate - no matter how much you studied it in school, no matter what your title says after your name, the decisions you make on times like these define you as a leader. There are great leaders, and there are petty ones. Guess what we have here?
You see, there are more things happening around me that needed special attention, for these are the really important things I should be watching out for. Things that make life much more meaningful.
I've been here before. The territory changes, the challenges more demanding. But it is still me, all 31 years of me.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
God doesn't pull punches
Roll with the punches, that's what I have been telling myself since last quarter when things started to go south at work. If I hold my breath when the fists hit my abdomen, maybe it won't hurt as much.
Problem is, I am not talking of physical pain here - I would have run as fast the first time I felt pain then, my tolerance being non-existent. No sir, this is all pain of a different kind, the one that leaves you with unseen scars and broken psyche.
So I roll with the punches, hoping I'd be numb soon enough. Hoping that soon, I'd be the one asking for more, to keep 'em coming. Maybe this kind of brutality is meant to be addictive.
So I give more. First I gave up one dream for another, deluding myself that it's not really giving up the one thing I promised myself not to let go - that I am just postponing it. Guess what? I only succeeded in achieving clarity, that the one dream I worked my ass off for the past 3 years is the one I should have never let go when promises of greater glory came along. Glory came and went, all fifteen minutes of it. I became great then petty. From a guardian angel to the angel of doom. Everybody now hates me. And for what?
One dream for another. Worse, I could have taken that road less traveled, embraced an apprenticeship that would have led me to where I originally intended to be - the gates opened so wide all I had to do is put one foot after the other. But greater glory calls, and I was mesmerized. I forgot that nothing is free, even dreams are not free.
What's worse than a man who's left with nothing but broken dreams, empty promises, battered heart and spirit half-dead?
Roll with the punches.
The heart is battered, but it can mend.
The spirit is half-dead, but it has half a life still.
Problem is, I am not talking of physical pain here - I would have run as fast the first time I felt pain then, my tolerance being non-existent. No sir, this is all pain of a different kind, the one that leaves you with unseen scars and broken psyche.
So I roll with the punches, hoping I'd be numb soon enough. Hoping that soon, I'd be the one asking for more, to keep 'em coming. Maybe this kind of brutality is meant to be addictive.
So I give more. First I gave up one dream for another, deluding myself that it's not really giving up the one thing I promised myself not to let go - that I am just postponing it. Guess what? I only succeeded in achieving clarity, that the one dream I worked my ass off for the past 3 years is the one I should have never let go when promises of greater glory came along. Glory came and went, all fifteen minutes of it. I became great then petty. From a guardian angel to the angel of doom. Everybody now hates me. And for what?
One dream for another. Worse, I could have taken that road less traveled, embraced an apprenticeship that would have led me to where I originally intended to be - the gates opened so wide all I had to do is put one foot after the other. But greater glory calls, and I was mesmerized. I forgot that nothing is free, even dreams are not free.
What's worse than a man who's left with nothing but broken dreams, empty promises, battered heart and spirit half-dead?
Roll with the punches.
The heart is battered, but it can mend.
The spirit is half-dead, but it has half a life still.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Pushing you away
I wasn't trying to.
Today you accused me of being me again, trying to push you away whenever you wanted to get closer. When will you ever learn that being me is what I do best?
I wasn't trying to push you away, you know. There. I said it. Happy now?
I was trying to present you options, to resolve a dilemma of your own. You asked for my opinion, remember? No, to be precise, you said, "What will I do?"
In fairness to me, I didn't even say "If I were you..." I simply helped you lay down scenarios. I am good at that. It's one of the things I am good at, analyzing contingent events. Sprinkle a little of game theory if you must.
Contingencies. Worst-case scenarios. Likely events. They all exist with certain probabilities attached to them. It is not my fault the likelier events would also mean that you'll be farther away from me should they happen. I don't know how to make these events less likely to occur..or maybe I do - by showing you how bad the outcome would be relative to us being together, I've somehow influenced your thinking and made you resolve not to take that specific option. Call it a real-life variation of Schrödinger's paradox.
So, to answer your question: no, I wasn't trying to push you away at all. It would have been too easy - one simple act of unkindness, one simple indiscretion and you'll be the one doing the pushing. I've seen how powerfully destructive I could be, having seen the demise of some rather unfortunate beings whose only fault is to love me sans reason. I am matured enough now to be aware of the consequences my actions will have on people who care about me, and I do care enough for them to show some restraint. That includes you.
I sense, however, that this recent attack is more like a manifestation of your impatience at the pace of things. That I prefer to move slower while you wanted things to go at a much quicker pace is, as always, at the bottom of things. It's not an impasse I'd be willing to be caught into - meaning give it time, we'll pick up the pace somewhere in between somehow.
Level-headed, eh? Not really, not always. There are days when I think you're the one pushing me away...and at times I let you know how hard it is for me as well. We've always managed to come to a truce always. This is just one of those days we have to breathe and count from one to ten before we let the words out.
Today you accused me of being me again, trying to push you away whenever you wanted to get closer. When will you ever learn that being me is what I do best?
I wasn't trying to push you away, you know. There. I said it. Happy now?
I was trying to present you options, to resolve a dilemma of your own. You asked for my opinion, remember? No, to be precise, you said, "What will I do?"
In fairness to me, I didn't even say "If I were you..." I simply helped you lay down scenarios. I am good at that. It's one of the things I am good at, analyzing contingent events. Sprinkle a little of game theory if you must.
Contingencies. Worst-case scenarios. Likely events. They all exist with certain probabilities attached to them. It is not my fault the likelier events would also mean that you'll be farther away from me should they happen. I don't know how to make these events less likely to occur..or maybe I do - by showing you how bad the outcome would be relative to us being together, I've somehow influenced your thinking and made you resolve not to take that specific option. Call it a real-life variation of Schrödinger's paradox.
So, to answer your question: no, I wasn't trying to push you away at all. It would have been too easy - one simple act of unkindness, one simple indiscretion and you'll be the one doing the pushing. I've seen how powerfully destructive I could be, having seen the demise of some rather unfortunate beings whose only fault is to love me sans reason. I am matured enough now to be aware of the consequences my actions will have on people who care about me, and I do care enough for them to show some restraint. That includes you.
I sense, however, that this recent attack is more like a manifestation of your impatience at the pace of things. That I prefer to move slower while you wanted things to go at a much quicker pace is, as always, at the bottom of things. It's not an impasse I'd be willing to be caught into - meaning give it time, we'll pick up the pace somewhere in between somehow.
Level-headed, eh? Not really, not always. There are days when I think you're the one pushing me away...and at times I let you know how hard it is for me as well. We've always managed to come to a truce always. This is just one of those days we have to breathe and count from one to ten before we let the words out.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
I knew it
Kasalanan mo ito 'Pre...I've always known....
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
| Personality Disorder Test Results
|
personality tests by similarminds.com
What the ...?
I normally wouldn't look twice, but this time I can't help it. Here is a PCIJ piece on the abuses happening inside Boys Town:
http://www.pcij.org/stories/2006/boystown.html
At the very least, can someone put this OIC Cabangan on leave? Shoot him later, but please, take him away from those kids!
http://www.pcij.org/stories/2006/boystown.html
At the very least, can someone put this OIC Cabangan on leave? Shoot him later, but please, take him away from those kids!
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Evading St. V
I've got it down to perfection, this ability to "evade" Valentine's day. Why not, it seems most heartbreak episodes occur this time. For me, at least - February is my worst month of the year.
So I've developed my own mechanism to get over this day without much thing happening. I simply do not go out of the house, not even to workout. Days before Valentines I fill up the fridge with food, make sure there's plenty of liquid to hydrate me, and most importantly, I borrow shitloads of DVDs to watch for hours. Doesn't matter if I've seen these movies a couple of times (i.e. Harry Potter series, any sci-fi by Spielberg, even Hannibal will do). Of course, I avoid love stories, would do so at all cost. In short, I disappear from the face of the earth on Valentine's day.
There was a time when I used to celebrate the V day just like everybody else. I was so young then. However, after a few botched attempts at finding love (why do we all think love can happen on this day alone?) I just grew tired of it all and started to believe this day was created as a marketing tool to stimulate spending - just like most special days in the calendar. Blame it on MBA, but this I still believe to the day.
Still, a year ago I made the "mistake" of allowing myself to blink a little and say "yes" to a date on Valentine's day. It's no ordinary date, of course, for it is supposed to be someone's birthday as well (or a celebration of someone's birthday that's two days passed). That it was a romantic dinner for two made it all the more surreal. I can't even begin to imagine how I must have felt that precise moment, when I thought everything was falling into their proper places. Now I can't believe I've fallen for that shit.
Ironic, that the one time I forgot about my aversion to Valentine's day would be the same time that would remind me why I swore off love in the first place - it makes you weak and irrational, and all you get in return is a heady feeling that makes you believe everything is as they should be. In retrospect it doesn't suprise me that the fall was heavier - I was so high I could have been dead and in heaven. I went to hell instead.
I was talking of JL, of course. Even now, I still wonder how I could have been so vulnerable. And gullible.
Now, another Valentine's day. I'll most likely spend it with *blip* (again, that Sunshine thing). Not that I mind us spending it together. But I'll stick to the tried and tested formula of hiding out and staying in, of being in bed all day watching movies, coffee and vodka and all permutations overflowing. This time, though, I won't be alone. I'll be far from being alone, and I love it.
And 'Pre, if you're wondering whether we've also "celebrated" Valentine's day ahead of the crowd, the answer would be...*wink*.
Note on the *blip*:
Loosely interpreted, the initials are the same as the one mentioned above. If it's any consolation, there's a second name, so there should be an "R" at the middle. Any thoughts, Sunshine?
So I've developed my own mechanism to get over this day without much thing happening. I simply do not go out of the house, not even to workout. Days before Valentines I fill up the fridge with food, make sure there's plenty of liquid to hydrate me, and most importantly, I borrow shitloads of DVDs to watch for hours. Doesn't matter if I've seen these movies a couple of times (i.e. Harry Potter series, any sci-fi by Spielberg, even Hannibal will do). Of course, I avoid love stories, would do so at all cost. In short, I disappear from the face of the earth on Valentine's day.
There was a time when I used to celebrate the V day just like everybody else. I was so young then. However, after a few botched attempts at finding love (why do we all think love can happen on this day alone?) I just grew tired of it all and started to believe this day was created as a marketing tool to stimulate spending - just like most special days in the calendar. Blame it on MBA, but this I still believe to the day.
Still, a year ago I made the "mistake" of allowing myself to blink a little and say "yes" to a date on Valentine's day. It's no ordinary date, of course, for it is supposed to be someone's birthday as well (or a celebration of someone's birthday that's two days passed). That it was a romantic dinner for two made it all the more surreal. I can't even begin to imagine how I must have felt that precise moment, when I thought everything was falling into their proper places. Now I can't believe I've fallen for that shit.
Ironic, that the one time I forgot about my aversion to Valentine's day would be the same time that would remind me why I swore off love in the first place - it makes you weak and irrational, and all you get in return is a heady feeling that makes you believe everything is as they should be. In retrospect it doesn't suprise me that the fall was heavier - I was so high I could have been dead and in heaven. I went to hell instead.
I was talking of JL, of course. Even now, I still wonder how I could have been so vulnerable. And gullible.
Now, another Valentine's day. I'll most likely spend it with *blip* (again, that Sunshine thing). Not that I mind us spending it together. But I'll stick to the tried and tested formula of hiding out and staying in, of being in bed all day watching movies, coffee and vodka and all permutations overflowing. This time, though, I won't be alone. I'll be far from being alone, and I love it.
And 'Pre, if you're wondering whether we've also "celebrated" Valentine's day ahead of the crowd, the answer would be...*wink*.
Note on the *blip*:
Loosely interpreted, the initials are the same as the one mentioned above. If it's any consolation, there's a second name, so there should be an "R" at the middle. Any thoughts, Sunshine?
Monday, February 12, 2007
Before anything else
I need to blow off some steam.
I'll run for half an hour.
Maybe then, I'll be able to think straight and focus on my work.
My head feels so heavy my neck's about to snap.
My limbs wanted to crawl, not walk.
I've taken gallons of water, still feel dehydrated.
I am not sick.
I won't get sick.
I'll run.
I'll run for half an hour.
Maybe then, I'll be able to think straight and focus on my work.
My head feels so heavy my neck's about to snap.
My limbs wanted to crawl, not walk.
I've taken gallons of water, still feel dehydrated.
I am not sick.
I won't get sick.
I'll run.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Boredom has no cure
Bored yet excited over the coming weekend. Yes, in a few hours am taking a road-trip with *blip* to his birth place to visit the famed La Luz. The *blip* is for Sunshine's benefit - I promised I won't introduce anyone to her unless "it" is going on for at least 6 months. So it's a bit early to be naming names here.
Still, my excitement is more of the fact that I will have my first out-of-town with my Sony Alpha-100. I'm slightly excited lang with the prospect of spending the night with *blip* (we've been spending most nights, Sunshine, though it's the first time on a beach and ever on the other's home town).
I'm meeting the friends, best friend...and uh oh (this muttered in a very nice way with the best mix of pleasant discomfort, if there's ever such a thing) ... the family. Of course, there's no formal intros, just a casual introduction as friends, of course, lest one of us be punched hard on the nose or worse, disowned and disinherited.
Friends are another matter, for they know. Now, now, we haven't talked about this, what to say or do when asked about things we're not comfortable answering yet. We are, after all, in the "getting to know each other" stage. No confirming, no denying anything. Two months and we're still there. No complaints, not from me, anyway. I like this. Can we stay here longer? Less pressure, for one. I know this won't be forever, but I wanted to stretch it up to the 6th month when Sunshine will bugger me about dinning with my date. Ha ha. Four more months to go, my dear.
Ah...taking a bite off my Big Mac. McDonald's just opened in front of my office building (24-hour fastfood!) and this is my second Big Mac out of this branch. We'll have a long fruitful relation with McDonald's hahaha.
Well, am supposed to be writing about something else, but I'm blabbering. I got to read two blogs I wanted to share. (Really, been a fan of perezhilton.com but this Anna Nicole thing is dominating the web-waves, so I seek Time.com and CNN.com for some fleshy news instead.)
Anyway, I've prepared some brief Q&A for the interrogation later. We're getting good at this, I suppose.
Q: Where'd you two meet?
A: At the gym
Q: When?
A: Just before Christmas
Q: Have you...?
A: *smile*
Q: How often do you see each other?
A: Almost everyday.
I think that's about it. For other questions, the standard answer would be a smile and a wink.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Bored with nothing to do
Encouraged by the latest blog of 'Pre, here's what my birthdate means for my lovelife:
Calm and understated, you struggle to express your love with words.
Over time, your partner learns to recognize your passion by the actions you take.
You're good at wooing someone slowly, without them even realizing it!
Number of True Loves You'll Have: 1
Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 2
You are most compatible with people born on the 7th, 16th, and 25th of the month.
Sonabagan, isa lang? Isa lang? Patay na.
Tapos 2 ang heartbreaks? Well, I had 2. So, 'Pre tapos na ako hahaha.
Now that I'm done, is my love life finished or I am now on my way to bliss?
BTW, the things said before the countdown are true - all true.
Calm and understated, you struggle to express your love with words.
Over time, your partner learns to recognize your passion by the actions you take.
You're good at wooing someone slowly, without them even realizing it!
Number of True Loves You'll Have: 1
Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 2
You are most compatible with people born on the 7th, 16th, and 25th of the month.
Sonabagan, isa lang? Isa lang? Patay na.
Tapos 2 ang heartbreaks? Well, I had 2. So, 'Pre tapos na ako hahaha.
Now that I'm done, is my love life finished or I am now on my way to bliss?
BTW, the things said before the countdown are true - all true.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
the F in alpha
I went alpha last weekend.
Before you wonder what sort of medication I'm in this time, the alpha is Sony's latest digital SLR offering. I've been contemplating getting my own DSLR to replace my equally powerful Cybershot F828.
I should have done this a long time ago, convert to Single Lens Reflex camera to feed my hobby. But ever the loyal Sony consumer, I swore never to buy any other camera brand. So when Sony's first ever SLR came out fall of last year, I got sweaty palms and started to shake all over.
Pricey, yes, so I had to wait until my finances clear a bit. The alpha is actually on my to-buy list for 2007, next to the Toyota Fortuner and the Sony Bravia LCD TV. Well, being the cheaper toy in the list, I thought it should be easier to own the alpha this early. I said first quarter, too, so timing is just right.
To say that I'm excited is an understatement. I am thrilled, I can't wait for the weekend to arrive so that I may try it in Corregidor or Intramuros. Of course, soon to follow is Panagbenga in Baguio, the tarsiers and Panglao in Bohol, and my major thing this first half of the year - a trip to Batanes.
Whew. Itchy fingers, restless feet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
