OC with GC

I wanted you the first time I saw you. Of course, I may not have known it at that time; why would I, when my sights were focused on your partner then?

Slowly but surely, you permeated my consciousness. You were everywhere. That means I am also everywhere.

Am having dinner with my grad class bunch at the Fort and you were there, having dinner at the same restaurant.

Getting a late night rub at that Thai massage in Leviste, and you were there, having a foot spa.

Seeing Superman (or whatever blockbuster) at Greenbelt 3 and you were there, seeing the same movie.

And the gym, ah the gym. You never fail to show up. I get this nagging feeling that my choice of workout window has very little to do with the locker shortage during rush hours and more to do with you.

I don't even know how long it's been, seems like forever. My closest friends would be surprised to know you were never just a flavor of the month. You've outlast any known infatuation, even relations, I've had. Surely that counts for something?

Bubble thought:
"Learn to give yourself up to the universal flow. If it's really meant to be, none of your efforts can screw this up. On the other hand, if it's not meant to happen, nothing you can do can make it occur. "

Ergo, am sitting down on this one and let the forces work their way.

Untitled AK

It's been a year since my AK episode. Here is what I've written at the time the whole thing was happening:

Friday 07/01/2005 10:29PM @Starbucks Valero

"I was fine until he came along. How am I going to get through this?

"I wish I never opened my heart to anyone. I wish I stayed cold-blooded, counting one-night stands, wrecking relationships. That's what I do best. I wish I didn't allow myself to love at all.

"TO hell with it! Fuck it! Most importantly, to hell with AK! I deserve someone better, someone who would allow me into his heart and his life. Someone who would choose me over everything else, the way I would choose him over everything else. I know it's a tough act to find, but the only thing left in me is the ability to dream. I won't let it be taken away.

"One day I will look back and laugh at myself, at my folly. Because that's what this is - foolishness. I hope someday comes sooner."

What a comfort to know that I was right. Here I am, laughing at myself, even wondering what the hell was I thinking back then?

Still, it was a time of many great things for me. Foolish, perhaps, but great nonetheless. Palawan, Pulag, my first campaign, Pride Week. Aaah Pride Week. I missed it this year, I barely passed by Nakpil-Orosa last Saturday night and stayed a few minutes, got bored (not to mention I have some very uptight friends in tow having panic attacks, afraid of being spotted) so I went home and slept forever...until it was time for the gym...another one for the blogs.

Is 30 the new 20?

Why do we always tend to see ourselves worse than better?

Things we tell ourselves about ourselves whenever we look at the mirror:
- too fat
- too thin
- too fair
- too dark
- too short
- too tall (whoever complains about being too tall?)

We sometimes wish we had:
- a smaller nose, or a bigger nose
- fuller lips
- thicker brows, or thinner brows
- longer hair, or shorter
- higher cheekbones
- a toned body
- six-packs

If we had money, we resort to so many things just to "change" something that we don't like about our bodies, testament to how much we hated what we had:
- crazy diets
- tanning or whitening for the skin
- growth formulas
- liposuction
- nose jobs, boob jobs etc

There's nothing wrong with trying to look good; there's something wrong about this obsession to look like the men and women on the coverpage of a fashion magazine. Those faces and bodies fit for the gods? Genetics, for one. And hard work. And sometimes, guts to go under the knife.

Why am I writing this?

Because today I was with someone who loved how I looked despite my thinking I am at my worst, and when I tried to see through his eyes, I saw what he is seeing as if for the first time. I saw myself. I am beautiful, not in the fashion-magazine-cover kind of beautiful, but something much more.

Never looked at myself that way until he showed me through his eyes, and I believed. Next time I look at the mirror, it's going to be with a loving smile. I'm now comfortable under my own skin.

As a parting shot, someone wrote: 30 is the new 20. I couldn't agree more.

Ol abawt prenster

I hate Friendster. I love Friendster.

I hate Friendster because JL is still on my friends' list and everytime he updates his profiles or adds new pictures I somehow get a shot of reality - he's here, still, in my consciousness. Like an aftertaste of a bitter pill, I could still remember him and sometimes (but only sometimes) get mushy and sad about things that happened between us.

I love Friendster. You can check out friends of friends of friends. In this case, I sort of figured out who JL was seeing before he left for Dubai. Well, not to brag about it but I got some ego boost...Maybe the guy's good in bed (I meant better than you know who)..or maybe he's really sweet and loving and etc. That's all, because really, Virginia, that's all he has hmpfff. Sourgraping ba?

Anyway, enough with JL and his latest ex. My spirits got further boost today because WB wanted to go out later tonight. I really wanted to go out tonight, consider it my last karengkeng (read: slut-posing) night before I immerse myself to another round of differential equations for my comprehensive exams at Grad School. Yeah Ms. V, finally I'm taking exams to graduate.

Back to WB. After the week passing without so much as an SMS (I decided I've done much paramdam already so why send SMS?) but a few cryptic messages over G**, I think we've got another date. Call it gimik (yeah, too early to call it a date huh!) or whatever. Basta, we're going out tonight. Am I a lotto winner or what?

Some great news at work as well, though I'm crossing my fingers (I've learned to cross my fingers a lot lately, finally paying off I guess). But I think am going down with something. Hayy I hope not. Plisss?

I'm having my cake; eating it, too!!! Beat that, Sunshine!

Gambler in me

Never risk money you cannot afford to lose.

A basic rule in business and finance. Many a gambler had found it hard to follow, and suffered the consequences.

In love, I'd like to think the same thing applies. Never risk something you cannot afford to lose. Never risk your heart unless you're willing to lose yourself.

Been there done that. No more risking my heart, it can't stand anymore heartbreak.

You may have my body, but not my heart.

Unless...

The WB Channel

That's it. I liked you...a lot. Enough to make my friends wait for three hours, despite our Sabado night plans made weeks ago. Enough to make me consider hanging out with you afterwards, in spite of the late hour, if not for the car trouble I had last night.

I got the cold shoulder twice, first when I said it wasn't time for you to meet my friends yet, then another when I said you weren't cute enough to get 200 points (but hey, I gave you a hundred, and you only used up two so far. I wonder now if you'll ever exercise them all when I upgrade you to unlimited? Yeah, I will upgrade you to that level anytime!)

How out of synch are we anyway? I was thinking about that 3-letter word and you were thinking why I didn't invite you to join me and my friends. Too bad that was the last thing on my mind - having you hang out with my friends. Don't get me wrong, you're cool. But somehow, introducing someone new to my circle of friends is a step I'll take only when the right time comes. I don't even know what it is we have, all I know is I like you that much to consider letting you in one day..soon.

The last time I liked someone this much, I got messed up. Really. So I try to pace myself and take a little step back every two steps forward. I don't even know if you like me as much, though I'd say from the interest-bearing questions you throw my way (and the flirtatious remarks you make here and there) are good enough to make me feel special.

I am never good at reading signs, not from people I am very much attracted to. Those remarks may sound flirtatious for me, but what if you were just trying to be friendly to keep me comfortable? What if those personal information exchange is just a way of passing time, beats talking about the weather or how bad coffee is at Seattle's Best? I mean, maybe I'm reading too much, I can't read between the blurred lines?

Profound?

An inquisitive mind makes man unique. Some say it is the only thing that separates us from apes, being conscious of our choices and able to raise questions about the world around us.

Oftentimes, once given a satisfactory answer, we fail to repeat the same question, vaguely assuming the answer will always be the same. We're so used to the way things are that we consciously reject alternative paradigms.

Progress, however, comes not from being complacent and ignorant. Development is a conscious choice, and so is the quest for knowledge. Scientists found the world to be changing, and answers to age old questions change with the times. It used to be that the world is flat, and that the smallest particle of matter is the atom. Now we know better.

Science is not the only one able to find new answers to old questions. Religion, too. And politics. And culture. Everything around us is not constant, even change changes.

There are some questions we do not ask, maybe because we know how many had tried before us and found no answers. Or maybe because we already know the answer yet reject its implications, or are afraid of the answer. But remember, had not Galileo asked, we wouldn't know today that the earth is round (but not perfectly). Had Newton not asked, gravity might not even be a word in our vocabulary.
Some questions I might as well risk asking now:

Why didn't Jesus have his own gospels?
Does it rain in heaven?
If there is no water in Mars, how does one take a shower?
Can we use blue on traffic lights to signify GO?
Why did they call the Nano a nano, when nano means a billionth of something?
Could it be that the real iPod is as huge as a mountain?
Why are coins round?
Why color money green?
Why call it Diet Soda?
Can't goat be man's best friend?

And you thought I was going to ask questions with answers of profound implications, didn't you? Gotcha!