i.want

I wanted some things so bad it hurts to think about them. Some so close and almost within reach I swear I can taste them.

I want a Fortuner. Yeah, that best-selling Toyota 4x4. I want it black and fully-loaded. And I want it now.

I want to gain at least 20 pounds of lean muscle. Am borderline underweight.

I want long hair - 3 weeks after I shaved mine.

I want Tibet...two full months in Lhasa.

I want a steady date - someone I could hang out with on weekends when I'm not too keen about hitting the scene. I want a Greenbelt addict. I want a movie and coffee addict. And a shopaholic, too.

I want Pringles, if only for a limited time. I don't want him as my steady date - we'd be bored to death outside the bedroom.

I want Batanes. I want Sagada. I don't want Bora, though I'd have to settle for it now (another blog coming, about this Bora trip).

And I want money...lots of it. So that I could have most of what I wanted above pronto.

Ahh the pleasures and perils of being a consumer.

Another round of ramblings

Gawd...of all days, I'll find myself in the same lift as gymcrush when I haven't showered at all.

Rewind...

Been so bored off my f_cking mind that, as usual, it's my head that suffers. Shaved it. Loved it. Hated it after a day. Then loved it again when I realize most people do double takes when they see me with a shaved head for the first time. Technically it's not shaved - just cut to zero setting using the electric razor of Mike at Bruno's.

Been almost-bald for more than a week now. Had 2 trips to the barbers for maintenance. Who would have guessed it's more expensive to keep hair this short? But at least, cuts the time I spend trying to fix my hair (haven't used a comb in years).

Okay so finally I met my bestfriend's partner of a few months. One comment: TRU LAB. Your guess is as good as mine, and I won't elaborate anymore. If you've read my earlier blogs about weddings you'll know why I sound sarcastic (damn! am I?)

Spent Saturday night trying to stop myself from falling over my cup of coffee at Starbucks in Malate, after a few deathly boring hours at Riverbank in Marikina and after nearly tricking Manny into getting inside Sonata. Though why he'd be so allergic to Malate (or being seen in Malate?) I'll dehydrate before I figure out. Anyway, party of five went coffee in Malate, f_ck I could have just hooked up...ooops...never mind.

Caught a whiff of the conversations flying around...and I blurted that I wanted romance. There you go.

Romance. The moment the word came out of my mouth, I've instantaneously become the object of scorn and ridicule amongst my very best and not so very out friends - I may be the most fuck-it-who-cares member of the group, being so straight-forward in matters of sex and sexuality it hurts to bend - but I could also be the coldest and most pragmatic in terms of my beliefs on love and romance...In short, nobody believed me at all. Which is hard to take, considering I was so sleepy my subconscious could have been the one talking.

Well...back to gymcrush and sweaty me in the elevator...GC's sweaty as well, and so is...BF? Oh yeah, he's back. Turned up Vertigo on my Nano to the fullest and pretended I am the only one in that lift. Damn...f_ck romance. And f_ck gymcrush.

Me and U2 and my Nano...I wonder who's on Tonight Show?

Whispers

I needed to get away.

Not that one-day one-weekend thing similar to what my friends and I do, like drive up the Luzon backdoor from Antipolo to Tagaytay.

I meant get away far enough that there's no Globe signal at all.

Far away where I can pretend to be someone else, like a hardcore trekker or climber off the Himalayas.

I needed to feel physical pain. And exhaustion.

I need:
To feel the cold air drowning my lungs.
To smell the tangy scent of fresh leaves and dead wood.
To be drenched with the afternoon rain that frequents the forrests up North.
To see blood flow from my own bruises as the rocks and thorns resist my every movement.
To walk with apes and crawl with snakes and fly with bats and swim with sharks.

I am tired:
Of inhaling stale air, cold and seemingly refreshing, but deadly as hell.
Of wearing perfume that mimic the season, from spring to summer to fall to winter.
Of bathing from recycled warm water.
Of exhaustion from work and disappointments.
Of seeing animals in glass and steel cages, in a zoo called the city.
Of pretending everything is perfect, when nothing is.
Of hoping for the best, when all I want to do is scream at those who use their religion to manipulate those who are poor and hopeless - I hate these emotional hypocrites who use the name of their god to zap every ounce of benefit from those who would benefit from their very death.
Of promises. And of unkept promises.

I needed to get away to find my way.
I needed the pain to feel again.
I needed to die in order to live.

I need to listen to the whispers of my soul, before they turn into silence.