The Last Time

The first time I fell in love was long ago.
I didn't know how to give my love at all.
The next time I settled for what felt so close.
But without romance, you're never gonna fall.

After everything I've learned;
Now it's finally my turn.
This is the last time I'll fall... in love.

The first time we walked under that starry sky,
There was a moment when everything was clear.
I didn't need to ask or even wonder why,
Because each question is answered when your near.

And I'm wise enough to know when a miracle unfolds,
This is the last time I'll fall in love.

Now don't hold back, just let me know.
Could I be moving much too fast or way too slow.
'Cause all of my life, I've waited for this day.
To find that once in a lifetime, this is it, I'll never be the same.

You'll never know what it's taken me to say these words.
And now that I've said them, they could never be enough.
As far as I can see, there's only you and only me. This is the last time I'll fall in love.
Last time i'll fall in love.
The last time i'll fall... in love.

Artist: Eric Bennet
Album: Hurricane

Pride

So few.

That's the first thing that came to mind when I saw the end of the Pride March last weekend. It's deflating, to say the least. Here I was, expecting a big crowd, thinking about those Prides I see only on shows like QAF and wishing it's the same here.

I don't know why, but for me, it was a bit disappointing. Not that I wanted everyone to be there (my closest friends bailed out the last minute, with petty excuses that does not even include the weather), but at least I expected more. Well, i had to make the most of it and do what I came here to do (what's left of it) - to shoot pictures of Pride.

My photographs reflected my mood - unsuccessfully capturing the air of the celebration is an understatement. It does not help that as much as most people are looking at some attendees with the interest similar what expectators have on the circus or the zoo, I cannot shake the feeling that I myself am the subject of sharp eyes and wandering minds - what the hell is this guy doing with this group - and the looks are mostly coming from the marchers themselves!

I looked completely out of place, jeans and tanks as straight as an arrow, camera on hand, look of detachment pasted on my face all the time. I could have worn some shirt that says "PRESS" and I'd been almost invisible (almost, because there's not much press around). But that totally negates the point, doesn't it?

I felt out of place. But I stayed anyway.

Here are some scenes of my first ever attendance to a Pride Parade. I hope next time the turnout will be bigger, colorful enough to make the rainbow standout. I hope next time my friends will come. I hope there will be a next time.

'tis the season

I am like most people.

I meant when it comes to having that buoyant feeling when Christmas is approaching. It's probably because I was born and raised strictly Catholic, where every year Christmas is a major, big production. Even now that I'm an agnostic, I still see Christmas as a celebration.

But there's another thing about this season for me, and I don't know if I am like most people in this sense. This time of year, I accumulate stuff and do many new things, too many I barely have time to think before I leap.

New car. More purchases. Breakups. New relationships. New resolutions. New places to visit. Change dentist, change insurer. Stuff that would have big effects on my coming year, I do and decide on them this time without much thinking. It's like I woke up one morning, at the right side of the bed and decided things must change with the year.

Of course, when I say without thinking, it's more like thinking with my instincts on top of my brain. Whatever feels right. No overanalyzing. If it feels right, it must be.

So this time of year, am doing and experiencing things because they all feel right. No need to figure out the reason, for reason comes second to instinct. What feels right, simply is.

I'm going to my first Pride March this weekend.

I'm buying a Fortuner.

I'm changing the sheets (I meant buy new schemes, stuuupeeeed.)

I'm replacing the houseplants.

I'm seeing the tarsiers before Christmas.

I'm spending Christmas with my parents.

I'm saying yes to love and giving it a chance.

Whatever feels right. I figured I'll have the whole year to think about these things, so why think about them now? If I'm lucky, I don't have to, at all. Because what's right, goes on right.

i.concede

In the middle of my QAF marathon, I take a break and write about my first ever visit to Boracay.

Not so long ago, I promised myself two things: one, that I'll never go unless it's expense-less on my part, and two, I will not fall in love with the place the same way I fell in love with other places like San Francisco or Palawan.

The first I was able to keep.

Arrived on the day when typhoon Reming is devastating Bicol. It's the beginning of the high season, a long weekend because of a holiday, and a typhoon is coming. The holiday was planned, the weather wasn't. Still, Boracay kept its promise and, save for a few hours of drenching rain that prevented us from hitting the scene on the first night, everything went remarkably well, almost perfect.

I could get used to this place.

The beach. The people. The shops. The food. Not to mention uh....never mind...gives new meaning to the phrase "the greatest outdoors (blip) ever!"

Couldn't wait to get back, though I can't promise to keep my first promise this time. But maybe, just maybe, I'll fall out of love next time.

i.want

I wanted some things so bad it hurts to think about them. Some so close and almost within reach I swear I can taste them.

I want a Fortuner. Yeah, that best-selling Toyota 4x4. I want it black and fully-loaded. And I want it now.

I want to gain at least 20 pounds of lean muscle. Am borderline underweight.

I want long hair - 3 weeks after I shaved mine.

I want Tibet...two full months in Lhasa.

I want a steady date - someone I could hang out with on weekends when I'm not too keen about hitting the scene. I want a Greenbelt addict. I want a movie and coffee addict. And a shopaholic, too.

I want Pringles, if only for a limited time. I don't want him as my steady date - we'd be bored to death outside the bedroom.

I want Batanes. I want Sagada. I don't want Bora, though I'd have to settle for it now (another blog coming, about this Bora trip).

And I want money...lots of it. So that I could have most of what I wanted above pronto.

Ahh the pleasures and perils of being a consumer.

Another round of ramblings

Gawd...of all days, I'll find myself in the same lift as gymcrush when I haven't showered at all.

Rewind...

Been so bored off my f_cking mind that, as usual, it's my head that suffers. Shaved it. Loved it. Hated it after a day. Then loved it again when I realize most people do double takes when they see me with a shaved head for the first time. Technically it's not shaved - just cut to zero setting using the electric razor of Mike at Bruno's.

Been almost-bald for more than a week now. Had 2 trips to the barbers for maintenance. Who would have guessed it's more expensive to keep hair this short? But at least, cuts the time I spend trying to fix my hair (haven't used a comb in years).

Okay so finally I met my bestfriend's partner of a few months. One comment: TRU LAB. Your guess is as good as mine, and I won't elaborate anymore. If you've read my earlier blogs about weddings you'll know why I sound sarcastic (damn! am I?)

Spent Saturday night trying to stop myself from falling over my cup of coffee at Starbucks in Malate, after a few deathly boring hours at Riverbank in Marikina and after nearly tricking Manny into getting inside Sonata. Though why he'd be so allergic to Malate (or being seen in Malate?) I'll dehydrate before I figure out. Anyway, party of five went coffee in Malate, f_ck I could have just hooked up...ooops...never mind.

Caught a whiff of the conversations flying around...and I blurted that I wanted romance. There you go.

Romance. The moment the word came out of my mouth, I've instantaneously become the object of scorn and ridicule amongst my very best and not so very out friends - I may be the most fuck-it-who-cares member of the group, being so straight-forward in matters of sex and sexuality it hurts to bend - but I could also be the coldest and most pragmatic in terms of my beliefs on love and romance...In short, nobody believed me at all. Which is hard to take, considering I was so sleepy my subconscious could have been the one talking.

Well...back to gymcrush and sweaty me in the elevator...GC's sweaty as well, and so is...BF? Oh yeah, he's back. Turned up Vertigo on my Nano to the fullest and pretended I am the only one in that lift. Damn...f_ck romance. And f_ck gymcrush.

Me and U2 and my Nano...I wonder who's on Tonight Show?

Whispers

I needed to get away.

Not that one-day one-weekend thing similar to what my friends and I do, like drive up the Luzon backdoor from Antipolo to Tagaytay.

I meant get away far enough that there's no Globe signal at all.

Far away where I can pretend to be someone else, like a hardcore trekker or climber off the Himalayas.

I needed to feel physical pain. And exhaustion.

I need:
To feel the cold air drowning my lungs.
To smell the tangy scent of fresh leaves and dead wood.
To be drenched with the afternoon rain that frequents the forrests up North.
To see blood flow from my own bruises as the rocks and thorns resist my every movement.
To walk with apes and crawl with snakes and fly with bats and swim with sharks.

I am tired:
Of inhaling stale air, cold and seemingly refreshing, but deadly as hell.
Of wearing perfume that mimic the season, from spring to summer to fall to winter.
Of bathing from recycled warm water.
Of exhaustion from work and disappointments.
Of seeing animals in glass and steel cages, in a zoo called the city.
Of pretending everything is perfect, when nothing is.
Of hoping for the best, when all I want to do is scream at those who use their religion to manipulate those who are poor and hopeless - I hate these emotional hypocrites who use the name of their god to zap every ounce of benefit from those who would benefit from their very death.
Of promises. And of unkept promises.

I needed to get away to find my way.
I needed the pain to feel again.
I needed to die in order to live.

I need to listen to the whispers of my soul, before they turn into silence.

Flip to sleep

At least for this week, I am able to sleep partly at night. I say partly because I spend about 4 hours sleeping from 6PM. The other half I spend in the morning, the first four hours before 10AM.

Crazy? Not really, but not a few would find my sleep schedule impossible to follow. My schedule implies that I can easily flip a switch on and off to sleep.

I wish.

Seeing episodes of Alias non-stop over the weekend, I chanced upon Irina's claim of the benefits of autocircadian meditation: all the benefits of sleep in a fraction of the time. This led me to series of internet research on how to sleep without sleeping.

There's not much information on autocircadian meditation, although if it's the real deal I'd be on board. Looks like it was made up for the Alias episode though, but am not losing hope, not yet.

Then there's the Da Vinci sleep or the polyphasic sleeping method, which reduces your sleeping time into "naps" for 45 minutes each. Literature on this is divided, though.

So how do I call the sleeping pattern I'm trying to emulate now? Two sleeping times, 4 hours each, 8 hours apart. It seems to work, though. I'll know if this will be good for the longer term.

Things I can tell you about this new sleeping pattern that seems to work out:

I see both sunrise and sunset over my place in Salcedo (see photos, yeah that's the view from my window)
I get to workout during midday - that means no gym crush (which might be a better idea)
I get to eat more regularly (like 3 meals a day plus snacks)

Hungry now. Wait, is it dinner or breakfast? Whatever...sleep in an hour.

Conversations with mom?

I saw a funny TV ad for Absolut Cut - the soda water brand. So much for reading between the lines.

When mom says : So, how's your lovelife?
She really meant: So, do you really like boys or girls?

Then you answer: Great. Am dating a flight attendant. She's blonde.
What you really meant: Am sleeping with my fitness trainer. He's built.

She fires: Oh that's wonderful, honey.
She concludes: So, it's a boyfriend.

Then she follows up cheerily: When do we get to meet her?
When she's really thinking: Dad is going to love this.



For which you respond, with much artifice: Oh she travels a lot.
Thinking: Not in a million years, Mom.

Then, to get your revenge: What about you, how's your backache?
When your eyes say: Are you still sleeping with your chiropractor?

She smiles that devilish little smile that tells you both of your secrets are safe, from Dad at least.

Oh well...

Lunch and what's missing

Two in the morning and my body's about to give up. Mind's already gone, spirit's battered as the day ends. Yes day ends at dawn for me.

Frustrating evening. Tonight's go-live is anything but exciting. Turned up the volume of my Nano to drown the noise from people around me. Am surrounded by people I barely know personally. Ironically, these people represent the very core of what I hoped to achieve, me and a bunch of friends who decided working for ourselves is better than climbing the steep corporate ladder. I wonder if we ended up with the very thing we were trying to avoid?

Am frustrated. Restless. Impatient. All the worst in me seem to be present tonight. This has been boiling under the surface lately, and it's now showing on my skin. Fuse is so short, the air so volatile. Bad for the gander and the goose.

I can't even make time for myself. Haircut's due. Laundry is stinky and it was with great regret that I'd called the laundromat for pickup. Been working our less and less lately, and at times I'm able to go to the gym I can't keep my focus. Ended up over-hydrating, if there's such a thing. And watching gym crush do abs (totally objective process here, I was trying to get workout ideas from him). Gave up yoga for the time being. And dancing, but this one's necessary for me to give up - I'll end up losing more weight if I keep at it.

Which gets me to thinking - what have I been sacrificing to get to where I wanted to be. Are the sacrifices enough? More importantly, is it worth it?

Given up WCE and grad school for the meantime - delaying graduation further.
Haven't seen my family in months, and nowadays it's them visiting me, not the other way around.
Haven't gone out with my friends much, haven't seen Sunshine and Foxy. Can't even keep to my promise that I'll be Sunshine's TonTon buddy.
Good friends are leaving and I'm barely able to attend their despedida parties.
Haven't even talked to my mom and dad in weeks.
Haven't seen my dentist for God knows how long. Ditched my Physical for the year.
Haven't washed my car in weeks! I love it when it rains because everybody gets dirt on their wheels.
Been feeding on microwaved and fast food junk.
Coffee and water taste the same to me.
Haven't read a book in ages.
Worse, haven't taken a photograph at all since middle of this year.

Enough with the whining, though. Time to change and find what's missing.

I love being me.

Space between

Action and reaction don't happen at the same time, do they?
There's a space between them, a delay if you will.
Action first, reaction later.
No matter how short that space or time is, there's always the delay.

The funny thing about words is that, once you've said them, you'll never be able to take them back.
"I'm sorry" and "I didn't mean it" are simply excuses masked as apologies.
Nothing can erase what's already been heard.
Sorry doesn't cut it.

The space between.
Think before you leap.
Pause before you speak.
It feels good reacting to something that tick us off, to bask in the moment and cherish revenge in words or in deeds.
It feels bad to realize you were wrong, or you've burned the bridge, or you've driven someone away forever.

There's wisdom in counting from one to ten after all.

Usual weekend

Another weekend. Another Saturday spent sleeping, working out, and generally driving around town looking for a new trick. Except that the usual suspects aren't with me to do it this time. Well, except that another friend's turning 30 today. Maybe something new will come and help me snap out of it.

Good friend JT's left the country for a few months, work-related, of course. Second JT to leave the same year. Will surely miss you, my friend. Fifth friend to leave the country, many more to go. Just got SMS from Erwin that he'd settled nicely in Norfolk, a month after we've agreed to hang out after a year of being out of grad school (but not graduates yet). The Cats will be going in a month, to Vancouver. The Jen, well, off to Germany to follow her heart. MK's already in Singapore...etc etc etc.

Everybody's leaving, at a time when I am more and more convinced that I'd stay. Two years ago I was so restless and discontented here that I'd leave the country first chance I get. Now, though I'm not preaching everyone to stay, I am more contented and at home. It helps that I am more comfortable with my own skin as well.

On JT's leaving, am sad because I lost a hangout buddy and a relationship expert, from whom I ask a lot of advice. Same JT who's asked dating advice from me, of all people. Too bad no one's going to ask me for an early morning dimsum treat at Makati Avenue's Northpark, or a late night Sunday movie if only to attest to our (in)human work schedules. You see, we both work on US time zones.

Anyway, JT's leaving may be sad for me, but in a way it is also a good thing. It means less chance for me to move in his circle, a circle that's proven to be too tempting to move in. Am relieved, if only for the distance JT's leaving will provide in terms of my interaction with some other people. Interesting people, perhaps, but dangerous nonetheless.

So am thankful that JT's gone at a critical time, when I almost lost it. I welcome his leaving at this time, if only because I get some distance from people I should not even be talking to.

Now, am off to sleep.

Mantra

Quit while you're ahead.

Take your winnings and go.

Win, then leave. Do not linger, do not look back.

Quit while you're ahead.

Colored dreams

As if our time partying last weekend plus the time I've spent daydreaming about you after that are not enough, you've recently invaded even my sleep. Enough to declare this to be more than just a crush.

Multiple dreams about you in a single sleeping window - how pathetic is that? The kind of dreams I couldn't control, the kind that tells me I want you more than I'm willing to admit to myself.

I can't even say which dream came first, but last night there were two. One in colors, the other one in grayscale. One left me feeling lost, the other feeling good but guilty. It's amazing how I can't figure out which one came first, while I can vividly remember other details of those dreams.

The colored dream:

Coming out of my building one weekend afternoon. Saw some kids playing on the streets while walking, stopped a while to watch them. I felt your presence first, and saw you seated there, watching me, with your best friend.

Interestingly, you were wearing a yellow t-shirt and khaki shorts, very Abercrombie. Your bestfriend is wearing something similar, though in shades of pink and brown, much like what your ex-boyfriend was wearing one time I saw you together for real. Both of you were looking at me, and I barely acknowledged your presence and instead turned my attention back to the kids.

Then I looked back, and you were gone. I tried desperately to look for you in the streets, tried to run after you, but you were nowhere to be seen. I gave up and found myself kneeling on the pebble-ladden street. I felt no pain, just tremendous loss and regret.

The grayscale dream:

We were at a place I can exactly identify as the Luneta, almost at the intersection of Kalaw and that obscure street next to Taft. It was dark, maybe dusk. We were walking, then you started playing with street kids, even getting your clothes dirty.

Then we started kissing. I hesitated a moment, afraid that I'd get dirty, too. I kissed you back anyway. The kiss deepened, got steamy. We made out right there, kissing and holding each other, even lying and rolling on the sidewalk.

I felt somebody, popped an eyelid open, then saw your bestfriend, watching us. Got uncomfortable. I drew away from you and looked back at him, and saw tears in his eyes. I put my hands on his shoulders, trying to console him. I felt guilty kissing you, but I also felt good and wanted more.

End of dreams.

I think I woke up, but went right back to sleep. It was only after getting up later that I felt weird remembering the details and realizing I might be manifesting more than just an infatuation with you. I'll stop interpreting these dreams right now, and instead analyze how I felt in those dreams.

I felt deep loss in my colored dream when you were gone, regret that I was still trying to play games with you when you were right there and all I have to do is smile at you and let you know I see you. I realize now that it has been my usual reaction when we see each other - nonchallance, uninterested attitude towards you, but only to make you want me, too. Now I know what I'll feel if my playing games with you drives you away from me.

In grayscale, I felt good kissing you, felt happy that it was a soul-baring kiss. But afterwards, I also felt guilty when I saw your bestfriend in tears seeing that kiss. I don't know why I should be feeling guilty, but I felt that I am taking away something from him. It doesn't help that when awake, I have this nagging feeling that he's really holding a candle for you. I mean, he's totally into you. Too bad we got acquainted through him, and it feels like I had to get his permission just to get to you, maybe even just to have a crush on you. Not fair to him, I know.

Still, overall, I like that I am dreaming about you. That's why I felt bad with the one-liner emails you've been sending through. You started it, but now I feel like I'm the one who wanted it to continue.

Help me out here. Next time, just get on with it. No strings, just to see if what's afflicting me is just a result of a (un)healthy libido and an overactive imagination; just to know if it can be washed away like soap does dirt or like wine does the aftertaste.

Day dreams, not daydreaming

Dreams. They're supposed to tell you something, right?

Some dream facts*:

1.Everybody dreams. EVERYBODY! Simply because you do not remember your dream does not mean that you did not dream.

2. Dreams are indispensable. A lack of dream activity can mean protein deficiency or a personality disorder.

3. Five minutes after the end of the dream, half the content is forgotten. After ten minutes, 90% is lost.

4. We dream on average of one or two hours every night. And we often even have 4-7 dreams in one night.

Okay, so I'm normal, at least from these I am just like most people. Still, It's not the fact that I am dreaming in my sleep that's bothering me, it's the dream itself. Or to be precise, dreams themselves.

I've had multiple dreams before. You know, several dreams in a night. Yeah, that's not odd. But multiple dreams about the same person? And 24 hours later, I can still vividly remember 100% of those dreams? And in COLORS! I read somewhere that most of the time, our dreams are in grayscale, and very seldom do we really dream in colors, though our preconditioned minds remember the dreams in colors.

Anyway, I'll write what I remember of those dreams at another blog. I'll just place the "textbook interpretation" here:

Kiss*
To dream of a kiss, denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and contentment. To see others kissing in your dream, suggests that you are too involved in their personal lives and relationship. You need to give them some space. If the dream ends just about you are about to kiss someone, indicates that you are unsure of how he or she really feels about you. You are looking for some sort of relationship with this person but you are not sure about how to go about achieving it. If you are heterosexual and you dream that you are kissing someone of the same sex, then it represents self-acceptance. You are acknowledging the feminine or masculine side.

To dream that you are kissing someone's hand, signifies respect.

To dream that you are kissing someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend, indicates your wish to be in a relationship and to experience the energy of love. You may be sexually acting out and desire to awaken your passion. Alternatively, it indicates a lack of integrity on your part.

If you are kissing a close friend, then it represents your respect and adoration for your friend. You are seeking some intimate closeness that is lacking in some waking relationship. It may or may not signify a romantic interest for him or her.

To dream of kissing an enemy, signifies betrayal, hostility, or reconciliation with an angry friend. Consider also the saying "this kiss of death". If you are kissed by a stranger, then your dream is one of self-discovery. You need to get more acquainted with some aspect of yourself.

* http://www.dreammoods.com

A for alcohol, A for Absolut

Yeah, it's the alcohol. Nothing more.

Never in my life had I used being drunk as an excuse for mischief. But this time, for sanity's sake, I will. How else will I explain this?

"this" I'll try to explain with as much ambiguity as possible.

I've been drunk before. Heavily drunk. You know, the kind of being drunk that makes you swear you'll never touch Absolut again. Or the kind of drunk that makes you dance on the "ledge" of Bed. Or the one that gives you one hell of a hangover.

No, not drunk, just tipsy. Still able to function as a normal being on the surface. It's what's brewing inside that's bugging me.

When was the last time I put myself out there and played the flirting game? Can't even remember. Nowadays it's the aloof-and-disconnected-slash-uninterested-guy-whom-you-can-sleep-with-but-never-twice facade. It works well in screening out sissies and those marriage-types who'd ironically go to bed with you if you so much as give them the chance. No, nowadays am done flirting.

So why am I flirting with him tonight, only alcohol can answer that. And it's not the onslaught of innuendo that's keeping me fueled, it's the totality of the evening. The look. The words. The hands. The resting of one's head to the other's shoulder. The "how's my hair - oh you have something on yours let me get that for you" stuff.

Subtlely can only be found by the really dense or by a distracted bystander.

There's a dozen reasons why I should have done otherwise. Reasons enough to make a soft cookie run as fast as I could. Yes my instincts are telling me to run. Yet my ego won't let me. Only one reason:

i.like.

So, alcohol is to blame. Why is it always Absolut Kurant that gets me into trouble? Anyway, morning after I'm so ready to dismiss this as just one of those crazy nights that should have been boring if not for the booze and the music and the man. Until I saw the email - had fun last night blah blah.

Two things I've read somewhere that're supposed to tell you it's not a one-night thing:
1. When he asks "So, when do I see you again?"
2. When he leaves a message "Had fun last night" after you've already said your goodbyes.

Two sure things, the magazine article said. This time am not buying it. This time am running.

It's just the alcohol.

Me, not dancing

Not today, I didn't.

Couldn't seem to find my rhythm. Tried a few minutes and decided my heart isn't paying attention. It is busy thinking about gymcrush.

Damn! Should have listened to the "doctor" telling me not to take on anything strenuous today. Went to the gym and altered my routine, did lighter stuff, thinking the doc meant something in the realm of the physical. Finding out I was wrong about a lot of things is more strenuous than lifting a dumbbell as heavy as myself.

I was wrong, dead wrong. There is no ex. Gymcrush and boyfriend are still very much together. Maybe the guy left the country or something. Maybe volunteered in Somalia, ate very little and didn't bother to shampoo (maybe they didn't have shampoo in Somalia) by the way he looks now. Oh where is Somalia anyway?

I was surprised by the intensity of my reaction to seeing them together again. Here I was, declaring GC as a hopeless crush and even contemplating to write another blog about moving on to better things (yeah, gymcrush #2 is found). All that hubris vanished in thin air with just one sight of two men I thought I'll never see together again.

Ruined my whole routine, damn it. Went back to the familiar and revert to old ways. Weights got heavier, added more than I could lift. Skipped yoga and abs, used the showers again (after swearing I'd avoid FF showers) and went home in a bad mood.

Home didn't offer any respite at all, and after a few minutes pretending to dance I stopped and chugged a beer or two. Then coffee. Then more coffee. Still restless (siempre nagkape ba naman), decided to work.

Alas, work is no panacea tonight. Briefly responded to emails with one-liners and surfed instead. Ah internet didn't help, either. Decided to cut the crap at 2am and went home to sleep. And what do I do once in bed? Write yet another gymcrush blog.

Me not dancing today. No rhythm. No nothing. I just want to vanish nowhere. Anywhere. Maybe in my sleep I wouldn't think of today too much. Maybe I'll dream a much better one than the reality of a nightmare earlier this evening.

Note: Photograph from http://channingtatum.org/galery

Me, dancing

I discovered dancing.

Okay, so I always claim I don't dance. I also do not sing, which is another matter altogether. Point is, the last time I danced was in highschool, and it didn't go well. I waltz, though. And do cha-cha. Those were easy. I got good rhythm. Daw.

Dancing again. Not any dance in particular. I used to dance those folksy things in gradeschool, and it's the competitive stuff that earned my school some top awards in the region. That was too long ago, lost interest when I started gaining height disproportionately with my width. I got too lanky and moved clumsily.

Anyway, I've seen some dance classes at the gym and all I can do is watch how nicely the participants moved with the music. Still couldn't get myself to join in, too reserved to be part of an out and loud group. Yoga works for me because you're supposed to look in, not out.

Channing Tatum danced well. Been waiting for Step Up to be shown, maybe this week or next? Still not enough for me to start dancing, only to heighten my awareness that dance is something I used to do. And then there's Vogue - used as a major soundtrack for The Devil Wears Prada. Over the weekend some botched night out with old friends turned me to iTunes to download Madonna.

Hi and lo. This week I just started dancing. On my own. Under Madonna's Vogue, Bonnie Bailey's Ever After and a few QAF music such as Deborah Cox's Absolutely Not and Full Frontal's You Think You're A Man. For two nights, after yoga and working out, I go home, take my top off, and dance like there's no tomorrow to these works of art. Picture the go-go boys at Bed or Gov and you'll have a pretty good idea of what I'm talking about.

I never danced like this before. I mean, just me, the rhythm and music blaring in the background. Must have been pissing some of my neighbors off, though I'm pretty sure they won't complain as my music is way more pleasing than the sounds coming from their HBO-ladden sound systems.

Pissed off neighbors aside (cute, but pissed nonetheless) there are some benefits to dancing as well, though I didn't pay much attention before. For one, improved movement and coordination. Two, my calorie burn rate must be shooting off the roof, and I swear by my sweat-soaked body this one's a great alternative to my usual 15-minute 15-kph treadmill program that gets me loathing looks from guys (and gals) twice my waist-size. My friend Manuel, an excellent dancer, also tells me it helped trim his waist a few inches, adding back dancing as part of his workout routine. I'd say he's right, plus stronger limbs and tighter ass, perhaps.

Of course, there's a long long way between dancing topless in the privacy of my pad to dancing in class at the gym, tank top aside. It's going to be a long and winding road and you may never see me dance at all.

Me and the rhythm, me and the music. I'd be perfect for an iPod commercial.

New Blog In, Old Blog Out

Am discontinuing the "Bitch 'n Brat" blog and publishing a new one called "Life Can Be So Simple". Got inspired by a pocket book entitled "Simple", the author of which I failed to take note of (internet researching at Amazon.com hasn't turned up anything yet).

It's a collection of thoughts about simplifying your daily life and doing away with the complications that we humans usually insist adding to our lives. I hope the author wouldn't mind me writing my own take about this.

Read away at http://simpol-layf.blogspot.com and send me your thoughts!

Upgrades, Downgrades

I didn't really start this, JT did. He said he's downgrading my best friend AQ from potential to just friends. Then he asked me about...uhm.. everyone.

(Technically, shifting work priorities started it for the day. Changes happened sometime during my sleep and I woke up to different upgrades and downgrades, so to speak.)

Ok. Someone's just been upgraded from option to priority potential, another downgraded from option to have had, and a have had to just friends. This is what a bout of cold could do. Plus some heavy rainfall early evening.

Gym: cancelled.
Laundry pick up: postponed
Opening night movie at GB3: forget it
Hot date with a cute Ilonggo in town for one night only: sorry

Runaway winner: an evening with DA.

It was soooooooooo worth it.

Puppy grin

There's a lot to smile about nowadays. Am actually grinning like a satisfied puppy!

Okay, first is Robbie's 3rd birthday. Nephew's turning to be a brat like his tito. A spoiled yet intelligent brat. Turned down everything his mom and lola wanted to buy him on his birthday, like a $400 toy car or a bike that's priced the same. And what did he want? A trip to the mall (with me as the yaya), a few rides, and snacks at Jolibee. I love kids! And after all that, he muttered "Wala kasi nakikinig sa gusto ko eh!"

Right. We grownups should listen more to them - could save not a few bucks if only we listen to what kids want for their birthdays. Of course, this only means one thing - a much more expensive Christmas gift for my nephew. No matter what, he deserves it (for the maturity he'd shown, beyond his age). Besides, by then I would have found the perfect puppy for him.

Next is AIBO. Yeah, yeah, Sony discontinued development/production of these robot dogs but I still can find something on eBay. I've always wanted one, but somehow it was too pricey for a toy. Now it's become more affordable, given the fact that you can't buy one brandnew anymore. I'll settle for the updated support, though. I'm getting mine before Christmas.

Then there's DA. Ahhh maybe this is what "effort" means - patience. Patience is a virtue I do not posses. Last night we were even discussing an out-of-town trip together. Of course, knowing his job takes priority over everything else, we'd be lucky to see the toll gates of the SLEX this month. Yeah. Where can I buy patience anyway? Kahit perfume lang, pwede na.

Sunshine, over coffee last Sunday evening, said that being in a relationship does not mean you and your partner have to see each other regularly, as in weekly. Ohmigod, when did Sunshine become a relationship expert anyway? But it got me thinking, how often do I really want to be with DA? How often should we be seeing each other before we can be called a couple? Is it our being together that defines the relationship? Given that, or the alternative proposition, I'd rather we define our engagement in how much time we spend together than how long we stay apart.

Never been a fan of long distance relationships. We're not even apart, just two cities separated by the traffic congestion of EDSA. But it's beginning to feel like we're at two places separated by miles and miles of distance. How much of this I can take in the long term, I can't say for sure.

Of course, when I said DA is worth it, I wasn't thinking much about the "situation". His work comes first, and he has a killer of a boss. On the other hand, I'm the one with flexible time. So I figured I could do the adjustment. I can mould my schedule to his. Not the other way around. But control freak that I am (yeah, add that to my being a retard), I now doubt if I won't make demands sooner. I will. Watch me.

Still, lots to smile about. Sunshine knows why. Right Ms Owner of Dainty?

By the way, saw gymcrush jogging at midnight again. Grinning like a kitten now.

My nephew's 3rd bday

Pucha.

Am running late for Robbie's birthday and I have yet to figure out what to give my nephew for his 3rd. Of course, I know what we want but his mom won't let us have it - a golden retriever. Says he's too young for that kind of responsibility.

I say he's old enough. What do you think?

Mutterings of a treadmill junkie

What the hell are you doing
Jogging at half past midnight for crying out loud
Am starting to really not like you
Damn it!

So why am I still so much attracted to you in spite of everything
Maybe I should ditch the treadmill and jog along Leviste instead
But that would be crazy
Why go the extra mile just to chance bumping with you
When all I have to do is keep eye contact at the gym
And maybe smile a little
Or nod, whatever, as long as I keep your gaze longer than 3 seconds

Really crazy
Was going 60 on a street that requires 20
Went down to zero faster than a falling apple, my golly
And guess what?
I drove around and 'round until I saw you again
Only to cross paths with you after I've stopped and given up

Thought I've had enough
Seems like I'll never have enough
Damn
Not enough of you
Enough with this folly
But not enough with you
Damn this heart
Or is it the heart or the weaker ego?
Whatever it is, damn it, I have to go

Go
Can't go
Not now
Maybe not ever
Maybe I shouldn't at all
The irony is that the the easier it gets for me to get to you
The faster I know this will end
The higher the certainty
That when I have you I'd lose you
And in turn lose myself in the process

Do I want that?
Fall for you and lose you in an instant?
Yes I can hold your gaze for more than 3 seconds, without flinching
Yes I can get your attention to be your next guy, a few weeks maybe
But I can't be just the next guy
I don't want to be temporary
A flicker unnoticed in the daylight
Too weak at dusk, too weak at dawn
So here I go
Too strong-willed for anyone but you
Too clear about everything but my feelings for you
Too happy to be not with you
Too sad to be with everyone but you
Damn streets of Salcedo
I'll jog when I'm ready
But will I ever be ready for you?

Saturday night (non)fever

I am writing this using my new SE P990i, too tamad to turn on my notebook and get online. Nice gadget. You'd think tech slut that I am, I'd be hard to impress by the new stuff coming out there like the grains off a thresher, but this baby rocks!

Oh well, enough with this new smartphone. Am sure you'll find ways to disagree with me and I don't care.

Back to blogging then. It was funny how me, Sunshine and apparently Rye were all in birthday parties last night - separately of course. I wonder where Foxy was?

JT's post-birthday bash at a KTV in Jupiter. Met his few friends and they were very nice. Kim sang well. My deal with JT was that I'd bring AQ along only if he won't ask me to sing KTV. So my vocal chords (my non-existent vocal chords) were safe last night.

And party night won't be complete without dropping by the usual visit to the clubs. Tonight it's Government; been going there again a lot lately, not that am complaining. I used to like Bed more, but now, am not too sure if there's a difference at all. Same crowd, same faces, different go-go boys and bartenders (or are they?)

Tonight it's Madonna. Grrr I haven't even completed my Madonna playlist on kikopod. i knew I lacked about a hundred more tracks. Maybe it's time I kiss JS' ass and ask him to get me MP3s from his DJ friend?

Listening to Michael Bublé now. Kikopod is just 25% utilized and I can't even listen to all these songs in one day. Oh I really have to organize my playlists, given that very recently I got my car integration kit for the iPod. And notebook needs some cleanup, too.

Slept for 6 hours max. Called Dad but phone's off. Called Mom instead and got a lecture on why condo living is bad for me (like, 31st floor and an earthquake is not a good combination in my mother's mind). Oh did you know I had a fire scare last night before I left for Gov? While brushing my teeth I noticed smoke coming out of the light bulbs! I recently changed my lighting to something warmer, to set the mood at night. My immediate thought? I might have overloaded my fuse!

Called security, who in turn called engineering. Well to cut it short, false alarm. Apparently they were fumigating the basement and smoke tends to rise. In my case, too many ducts led to my electrical layout, and boom! It's as if they smoked my unit and not the basement. Am tempted to ask with my usual sarcastic flare why the 31st floor is getting a lot of the fumes, but stopped myself. Who knows if the floor below mine is getting less? It's not always about me, I know.

Back to clubbing. Met some cute Caucasian guy named Martin or something, but am supposed to hook up with HR and mumbled my excuses as I finished off my Absolut. Good thing HR came earlier, otherwise I would have left with someone else in tow.

Hey, it's Madonnathon 3 and place is jampacked with raging hormones. Don't do well in crowds like this. So HR and me stayed at the back, vodka on our hands, and started to makeout. Of course, saw lots of familiar faces from the gym and I know this will cost me a lot in terms of knowing glances, both subtle (highly appreciated guys) and obvious (please stop staring at me and mind your friggin' pose).

Anyway, night ended with me wanting more, not that am complaining again, can't complain at all. I don't have the right to gripe at my misfortune, right, Sunshine?

Ok. Gotta get some Vietnamese noodles before my workout. If I can still workout tonight, with all that working out we did earlier. Geez.

Imbento

Consider this:

Chance favors the prepared mind, and chance favors those who persist.
Success happens ready or not, but so does failure.
Then be prepared and persist always, for the greatest loss comes to those who do nothing.

Pinagtagpi-tagpi ko na lang. Wrote this out of frustration at how my organization has been responding to growth and embracing change. It seems that some people will always have the mentality that the same pill will work for everyone.

As my favorite Peter Drucker once wrote, no matter how similar two business problems may seem alike, there will always be different solutions to each situation. It is the true essense of management - the ability to sense change ahead and adapt in advance.

Sometimes, I wanted to just quit when thinking of the things I can never change. Until I remember there are more things in me that I could change, more things around me that will change as a result of a little change in myself. Then I remember one of my life's purposes that I wrote when I was 14:

To make a difference.

How can I quit now, when I know that what I am doing is making a difference?

.

Matching two caps

At the risk of provoking the mapanlait side of Sunshine, who's been asking me (without success) to take her out of my favorite blogs link, am doing this one more time: the Horoscope Romantic Compatibility test. This time, Gym Crush.

Never thought of doing this for GC until I realized he's a Capricorn, too. Looks promising, and with good reason. Panalo. It's now up to me to make the next move, and am really really temped to promote my eye candy to full time love interest. I'll probably write another blog on this one, just so Sunshine won't get more confused than she already is.


Capricorn & Capricorn

When two Capricorns join together in a love match, they create and contribute to a whole new, exciting element in one another's lives. The symbol of Capricorn is the Sea Goat, the animal always on an upward climb from the sea to the mountain summit. This is true of the Capricorn couple who magnifies their energy and strength and climb the staircase to a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. But, all of this ambition and lust for life is bound to make these Goats lock horns, and a dispute between two tempers like these is not to be taken lightly.

When it comes to running a household or maintaining a healthy relationship, this couple can really take care of business. So much so, that they will have to be conscious of finding setting aside time for recreation and fight off the hardworking attitude that comes with the Capricorn lifestyle. Loyal and charitable, this couple is loving and devoted without being overbearing, which is a desirable mixture for each partner.

Capricorn is ruled by the Planet Saturn. Saturn's main focus is on achieving goals through hard work. This planet also focuses on Capricorn's authoritative side and desire for social status. This couple is very career-minded. Their focus and intense energy can cause them to seem harsh or inflexible, but a Capricorn partner is not taken aback by such an attitude. Each communicates well and enjoys getting things accomplished together. This couple has a great capacity for love, but is not always as emotionally intertwined as other couples of the Zodiac. Both enjoy confronting a difficult issue, but also relish the space to pursue individual interests.

Capricorn is an Earth Sign. Interests lie in the material goods that indicate lofty social status. Capricorns are willing to work hard to make their house a home, and they aren't afraid to show off the fruits of their labor. Mundane activities and responsibilities are a staple of Capricorn's daily schedule, so it's important for these two to do something fun or silly every once in a while. At times, the Capricorn-Capricorn relationship could use a bit of lightening up!

Capricorn is a Cardinal Sign. This couple delights in initiating new activities and following them through. Always conservative, this couple spends their time and their money in practical applications and looks for the tangible results. The unyielding qualities of the Sea Goat workhorse make this duo a knockout couple as well as intimate friends.

What's the best aspect of the Capricorn-Capricorn relationship? It's their dedication to taking care of their personal and shared responsibilities. Theirs is a strong relationship, and the sturdy construction is built to last. As long as each partner remembers to laugh every once in a while, this will be a successful relationship.

As promised

Finally able to upload this one. This is the promised progression of the bulb I got for my place, just to increase the number of living things inside he he he.

Took a while to get all these, but patience paid off I guess. Although by now, all but one bloom have wilted. That means I'll have to buy another one while this one gets the spot at the bathroom window.

Been thinking more and more about being alone, that there seem to be organisms that are best kept solitary, and there are those that survive only by living in community. Am I solitary? Am I better off alone?

Alone, but not lonely.

Ewan, 13 signs daw

Lifted this off from Sunshine's blog, apparently she also got it from an email forwarded by Foxy. Let's assess my current situation, shall we?

13. when you're on the phone with them late at night and they hang up but you miss them already when it was just two minutes ago

Yeah right. During the first two weeks, we're talking hours of airtime here. But nowadays we're reduced to SMS, and even that I no longer crave for. Score: 0

12. you read their texts over and over again

Nah, though I tend to save the SMS on a separate folder...am about to delete the folder, though. Taking up too much space. I'm saving the MMS pictures and videos that I'm sure would cost a fortune someday ;-) Score: 0

11. You walk really slow whenever you're with them

Not really. He's taller, with longer limbs. No matter how slow he walks I'll still have to walk double time to catch up. Score: 0

10. you feel shy whenever you're with them

Huh? Huh? Anong shy-shy? Score: 0

9. when you think about them, your heart beats faster and faster

Only when I've had my 5th cup of coffee for the day that this happens, so yeah, at some point, after that cup and if & when I remember him, my heart starts to beat faster. Sige na nga. Score: 1

8. you smile when you hear their voice

Makes me listen to him singing over mobile phone, so can't help but smile with what my friend Regol calls kakornihan and JT thinks kakakilig. Score: 1

7. when you look at him you do not see the other people around you...you only see him

Most of the time we're the only two people in the room, so yeah, can't argue with this one. Score: 1

6. you start listening to slow songs while thinking of them

Well, I once again listened to Jed Madela's on my Nano because of DA...Score: 1

5. they become ALL you think about

Not ALL, there are more important things on my mind most times, like when's the new Sony Ericsson P990 i coming out. Well, it's out and I'VE GOT ONE! Score: 0

4. you get high just from their scent

sent my undershirt he used down to the cleaners over the weekend, though I admit I tend to smell whatever he used up from my underwear drawer a few times Score: 1

3. you realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think about him

yeah, when it was beginning pa lang. But not lately, I start to think about things that won't make this work and I lose whatever smile I have right away. Score: 0

2. you would do anything for him

no way. Score: 0

1. while reading this there was one person on your mind the whole time

siempre naman. why? eh this assessment is all about DA, so I've thought about him at least 13 times this past half-hour while writing this. Score: 1

Score on "Yes, I'm inlove" = 6 out of 13
Score on "Not at all" = 7 out of 13

Well, almost...try again next week!

New blog: The Shower

Am starting a new blog here that will be my exclusive song book.

Okay, okay, these are just lyrics of songs I liked, songs that made me feel something when I hear them.

What can you do? Sentimental one here. Maybe later I'll write why I loved each song, but for now, wala lang.

Questions

"Have you ever stopped asking if you have found the one and instead asked yourself if you were the one?"

This was the time when I asked Darnel about how do I know if DA is the one. He threw this at me with the tone he usually uses for me when he's exasperated for my acting like a third-grader.

He's right, of course. I've never asked this myself, if I was ever "the one" for the few relationships I've had - JS, AK, JL...maybe even DA. I mean, if I ever was the one, why didn't any of them last?

Not that DA is a closed book, but am getting frustrated minute by minute when thinking about what doesn't work for us.

It's a case of outside looking in, I guess. Selfish that I am, it was always about me. But still, at the rate my world is moving, it's hardly surprising I think this way.

Options. Effort.Self-preservation.

The first 2 I am willing to compromise on, relax my assumptions a little. But self-preservation? Isn't that our primary instinct? It's like we're hard-wired to protect ourselves from harm.

So I guess I'll be asking "Are you the one?" for a while.

Reasons why I like you:

Reasons why I like you:

- You think I'm the best thing that ever happened to you, the birthday present you've been waiting for since you've turned 3.

- You argue with me because you wanted to see me fume and grope for words, essentially to see me get passionate about something.

- You argue more until I have no other choice but silence you with a kiss.

- You tell me all about your past because you don't want there to be secrets between us, and you desperately wanted to make it work this time.

- You wanted me to hear you sing in public love songs that I told you I liked - well, using the mobile phone.

- You share your weird taste for tuna sashimi...from a Japanese fastfood!

- You take pictures of our rumpled jeans on the couch.

- You think Michael Buble is soothing and relaxing.

- You think my choice of t-shirts is elitist, but loved my shirts anyway.

- You find my mouthwash funny, like candy.

- You liked my yoga mat.

- You hate coffee but support me with my Starbucks addiction anyway.

- You liked wearing my sando, despite its size being a tad too small (or short for your height). I liked the way your scent sticks to it - so much so I won't throw it to the laundry basket for days to come.

- You love to cuddle and kiss and cuddle and kiss.

- You make me your priority, not just an option, one of many.

- Just when I am about to give up on you, you do something that blows my mind away, melts my heart and totally makes me believe that we're really something together.

- You are good enough to introduce to my crazy bunch of friends without any doubt that they'd like you and adore you and without fear that they would make lait the moment you're away from hearing distance.

- You are who you are, so much different from me, yet so lovable and adorable I could forget how much farther we should be moving away, not closer, if only for these differences. Or is it the other way around? That we are bound to be together because our differences make us stronger as a team?

I don't know if I am even liking you for the right reasons. Maybe it's too early to even think about being together, but I'll be damned if I deny that I am thinking about you that way.

Gadget slut

If I don't get my hands on that new Sony Ericsson P990i soon, I'd die.

Can somebody remind me how the law of supply and demand works? Supplier said there's only 5 units available this weekend as they're still waiting for the shipments, and price is a bit too high even for me...So why can't I wait another week or month before reserving one for myself?

There you go, Prof. Beltran! Economics 101 out of the window.

See what my new obssession is at:

http://www.sonyericsson.com/spg.jsp?cc=gb&lc=en&ver=4000&template=pp1_loader&php=php1_10336&zone=pp&lm=pp1&pid=10336

Honestly, the rush I got when supplier called me that the unit is available is much more satisfying than seeing DA again this weekend. Whoa...what is wrong with me?

New blog : The Adventures of Bitch 'n Brat

What's wrong with Blogger? I can't upload photos of the plant I promised a blog back...

Anyway, Weng left for the States tonight and we're left to mind the house: me, Darnel and Denz. Told Weng that the last time she left us to play on our own, Darnel mistreated me...and she fell for it! Now I had to log every fucking instance Darnel is mean/rude/bully-ish to me.

Watch out!

I'm creating a new blog just for this. Call it Bitch & Brat. Why so? Darnel calls me Brat, I call him Bitch. So watch out for my new blog, a logbook of instances Bitch was mean and rude to Brat, and vice versa.

Itchy fingers on the keyboard...uh oh...

JT's compatibility tests

Over buckets of Strong Ice, JT let me in on his little secret - he's not pursuing my best friend AQ because he knows they are astrologically incompatible. He said the first thing he tries to find out when meeting someone is his astrological sign, and only when the signs tell him they were compatible enough would he agree on a date.

Well, horoscopes as fun. Same way JT analyzed his past relationships, here are my results:

Me and JS: balanced, hardly romantic
Me and AK: highly compatible, slow in development, honest
Me and JL: opposites, both uncompromising but tend to create an unbreakable bond

And me and DA? We're polar opposites, but JT seems to thinks we're going to be okay. Below are the results.

Libra & Capricorn

When Libra and Capricorn come together in a love match, they can be a good couple -- if they can uncover their sometimes difficult to find similarities. On the surface, these two couldn't be more different: While Capricorn is quiet and unassuming, Libra tends to be a social butterfly, delighting in visiting with other people. Capricorn is concerned with hard work as a means toward career advancement and recognition; Libra is concerned with beauty, art and balance in life and relationships. This is not to say, however, that there is no meeting point for these two; if they are coming from a base of mutual love and respect, they can work to find their common ground.

When these two Signs work together on a project or a problem, it works best if they have pre-set roles to fulfill, as they both like to take charge. Once their expectations are defined, their approaches are once again quite different: Libra is pondering and intellectual, but Capricorn sees the value of doing things the hard way if it leads to certain success. Once the partners understand each other's style, their methods help them to achieve together what they could not achieve alone.

Libra is ruled by the Planet Venus (Love) and Capricorn is ruled by the Planet Saturn (Karma). Venus is a soft, receptive, feminine Planet, while Saturn is cold, hard and masculine. These Planets don't have much in common so it's important for Libra and Capricorn to work through their differences. Venus encourages Libra to slow down to take in the beauty and romance life offers; this can come across as laziness to Capricorn, whose Saturn influence lends them that dogged determination to push forward against all odds and succeed at the goals they set for themselves. These two Planets can work at cross-purposes, creating antagonism, strife and repressed emotions unless Libra and Capricorn make a concerted effort to understand and accept one another's focus in life. Capricorn must take care not to discourage Libra from their natural enthusiasm and optimism, and Libra must put their natural diplomacy to use in order to maintain balance with Capricorn.

Libra is an Air Sign and Capricorn is an Earth Sign. Libra relies on their intellect in life; their sensibilities are attuned to aesthetics, a subject on which a true Libra always has lots of opinions. Capricorns rely on brain power as well, but of a different sort; they search for the pragmatic method in all they do, and may not feel they have time to dabble in aesthetics. If these two can learn to work as a team, they could form two sides of a coin, so to speak.

Libra and Capricorn are both Cardinal Signs. Both Signs are initiators, but they have such widely varying work ethics that they work better when they each have a particular, well-defined role. When it comes to conflict, Libra will be the first to back down, which will appease Capricorn (who likes to be right!). It's important for both partners to understand that compromise is they key to their success.

What's the best aspect of the Libra-Capricorn relationship? They each bring their own qualities to the relationship. Once they allow one another to be themselves - rather than getting in one another's way - they can blend well to make a whole. Theirs is a challenging relationship, but they can learn from each other if they maintain the effort.

What a month can do to you

Yesterday marked my first month back to condo-living. Still unable to find the lamp that suits me. Was successful finding "the" plant that would liven up the space - a red bulb that will soon open its petals.

I'll post photos showing progression soon.

Are the pieces falling into the right places? Seems like they are. I hope they are. They are.

It took me a month to find the right plant to spend with the rest of my lease. It's taking me longer looking for that lamp, though the rugs I've a fairly good idea where to find.

Imagine how much longer will it take me finding the right partner.

I do not mind waiting. I may be impatient at times (okay, most of the time), but I certainly know a good wait when I see one.

Are you worth it? I told my friends you are. I know you are. You are.

Will it last? We'll certainly try to make it last. I will try to make it last. Will you? I know you will, too. You will.

Ode to the one i wish for

Moving in opposite directions.
Living in parallel universes.

Will our paths ever intersect?
Once we collide, what will happen to us?

You loved too much and got played at.
You were hurt by the one you loved.
I played and held back.
I hurt and lost the one I loved.

We both got burned.
Now you want to hold back.
I just want to love forever.

You are scared....jaded and scared.
I was jaded, still scared, but willing to be scarred again.
Just one last try, hoping it will be different this time.

When we collide, what will happen to us?
Will I lose myself? Will you fall in love?

We may never find the answer.
Parallels do not intersect.
Opposites do not meet.
The miracle is love.

Simple arithmetic

Some formula I'm using to pre-screen dates:

Plus 10 minus 5 my age.

Simply put - I'd date only those who are between 25 to 40 years old. Anyone below is considered a minor and above that...hmmm let's not go there.

Other criteria - consult Foxy and Sunshine. Officially, they're now my date screeners. Gives Sunshine something to do than mope and Foxy some new project to distract her from her love interest.

Oh not to mention, f-hags.

Sleep debt

Alright. I know that there is still scientific debate whether sleep debt is a real phenomenon, but when you're like me (and thousand others working with schedules that "follow the sun") then you'll agree it's better to convince one's self that yeah, sleep debt is real.

On top of my list is to find sleeping aids (read: Valium, Xanax and Ambien) that will work for me. Tried some over the counter stuff from Foxy and Sunshine but so far, nothing works. Mon suggested melatonin, but again, will it help at all?

I'd try others, like counting sheep. Or maybe "day" dreaming about having GC as a partner. Or DA. Well, I've been unable to get good sleep (despite the fact that I've got lots of time to sleep lately) . By good I meant blissfully uninterrupted sleep. I even turned all my phones off just to be sure, still nothing. I'd toss and turn, literally change positions and even do 360-degree "bed" re-orientation just to get some. Nothing. I'd sleep an hour then wake up disoriented, then sleep for another, cycle becomes vicious I'm ready to scream, until the alarm sets off.

Yes Foxy, I use the alarm just in case I get that elusive sleep and fail to wake up after 24 hours. It's been known to happen, in my past life it seems, that I am able to sleep without interruption for 24 hours. How I wish it would happen again.

Seems like there are things we want we could never have. Just like the daydreams about GC or DA, sleep is now one of them.

Count sheep. Count sheep. Damn it.

For the not yet jaded (aka Sunshine)

"Never make someone a priority when that someone only makes you an option."

Saw this on one of my new blog-faves (see comments on one of my rants) and quickly got to writing something about what I see everyday - the seemingly lack of balance in the way most "relationships" are.

Take for instance Sunshine. Everybody I know who knows who she wants knew he's only stringing her for a ride, maybe as an ego-booster. Ugly. That's what we called the loser. But what does she do? She thinks he's everything. Loka, she even ditched what's supposed to be a great Friday night at Cuisine with us her friends, after running into the loko at Chili's. Grrr.

Or JT, crafting his gym habits around AQ's. Oh well, not that AQ even considers JT an option, but the balance is so tipped on AQ's favor that I can't figure out how JT could live with it.

Or PE, tiptoeing around NU because he's so scared that their delicate truce of a relationship (if you can call it that) would be shattered with a single act or word that might offend NU anytime. It's like a ticking timebomb. Hell, it makes me angry to even think about how NU has pulled wool over PE's eyes and made him believe he's in love with someone who's perfect. Perfect, my ass!

Each day, the imbalance grows. I was not immune. I used to be someone's option as well, but I woke up soon enough before the dream turned into a nightmare. Took me sometime to pick myself up again, but I did sooner. In most cases, waking up from this self-inflicted coma follows brief moments of denial plus even longer periods of self-pity, but we all wake up.

I admire Foxy for what she did after realizing she and her lover wanted different things. She ended it, right then and there. Well, almost. The jury's still out for these two, but at least, Foxy had the courage to see the breakup through. Now I heard they were at it again. Well....

Who was it who said that the key to happiness is to find someone who wants you back? Too bad there's a shortage of that around, it seems. Too bad.

(R)ant and rave one more time

Early morning fastfood turned something else. Ditched the Big Mac for Starbucks' oatmeal cookies and Passion iced tea. Met up with a couple of friends who swear they've never been to Government. My maternal instincts aroused, made a few calls and got us invites to DJ Bam's bash.

At Government, hooked up with friend JT (another JT, not the one I had a thing going a few months back) - same one who's got a big crush on bestfriend AQ, who, by the way, I sent home earlier, bored to death after wandering around aimlessly at Glorietta malls, looking for that damn lamp.

Still at Gov, ducked not a few pickup attempts by hiding behind Jeffy and Carly (not their real names) and pretending to strike a conversation with JT over what passes for house music. His friends are pretty boozed and obviously coupled up, so any hopes of getting introduced for the nth time to one of them got doused by 3 shots of Absolut.

Went out for some not-so-fresh air, saw familiar faces, including bestfriend AQ's ex. Hmmm guy got trimmed down and looked better than the last time (later on, AQ would still say he's still not slim enough to warrant a comeback!). Tried to pretend I didn't see him, but there's only so many directions I could turn my head without hurting my neck.

Got bored by the minute, so I started playing with Jeffy's ... uhmm arm, until JT nudged me and whispered something about sleeping with one of the go-go boys dancing right in front of us. I mumbled something like, "Just one? Done those three in front". True, except that those two at the back look eerily familiar as well. Slut. (Yeah, and Sunshine is her usual wallowing-in-despair-don't-wanna-see-people self and Foxy is, I hope, deep in slumber without the popcorns. I wish you were guys, girls. We'll have real fun doing this together! Oh well...)

Jeffy wants to sleep over, I just wanted to sleep. Had one last shot and left with same kids in tow. Ended up with pancakes at Mc Donald's at 5AM.

And the vicious cycle ends where it started. And continues another.

Just another (r)ant

Past midnight.

No food. Saturday night, remember? Dried mangoes and yogurt are all I've got..and instant coffee. That brownie looks suspiciously greenish.

Lots of DVDs. Smallville. GA. QAF. I'd throw one into the player but I've lost command of my limbs.

Went online. Lots of prowlers..hunting. I want to be hunted by just one - gym crush. Missed him. AQ's fault, we missed gym several times this week because he'd taken the bus instead of the MRT. If not for his recent heartbreak I'd be breaking his neck for this.

Spent the day looking for a lamp. A lamp! Can't seem to find the one that looks right.

Also tried looking for a rug. I know where to buy one, gym crush store comes to mind, but back to blaming AQ for all the misses this week.

Felt guilty sending the calling teams together to see The Ant Bully at the last minute, threathening to fire those who'd miss it. Guilty that some of them barely touched the sheets and they'd have to haul their assess to Greenbelt at 1pm. Not guilty for the film choice.

Guilt and hunger - deadly combination.

Went to 7-eleven, got instant noodles. Felt bad the moment I tasted the first strand. Sent SMS to JS asking if he's had lunch - 2am he said. An hour and half and I'll be dead from hunger.

Went to McDo (Greenbelt, where else?). Met up with another set of friends, the kind who's up this hour having fastfood at Greenbelt.

Big Mac looks promising. My weekend isn't. I wish I were an ant. Hell, I am an ant!

The break up

I am swearing off games of chance.

With AK, I flipped a coin whether to hook up or not. With BS, I flipped another whether to meet his friends over the weekend. I made a bet with Sunshine about not having sex without commitment. I lost, and now, she's making a bet that if and when JS and I get back together, it would last for 3 months tops. I jokingly said I'd give us a month.

Which gets me to thinking - am I foolish to let chance take over my life? I feel that life brought me to where I am now. I certainly believe that the forces of the universe are consipiring to bring me my hearts greatest desires.

I think it's time to get real.

Last night I saw The Breakup featuring Jennifer Aniston with some friends from work. All were bored and didn't like the movie, but stayed until the end anyway.

I liked it. In some ways it reminded me of how JS and I broke up and how we are today - ending up as friends.

We even have regular catch-up dates that would include dinner and movies and sometimes, a few drinks in some bar in Malate. Safe and neutral grounds for us to share news about ourselves without talking about the most intriguing question in our minds - how did we end up here? That last scene is so surreal I swear it is exactly like that whenever JS and I bump into each other somewhere.

Someone once asked me if I believe in this saying:

"When two lovers end up as friends, it is either they are still in love with each other, or they never were."

I haven't formulated an answer yet. One thing I know, I should not call Sunshine's bet despite the telltale signs of me and JS easily slipping back to dating again and seeing each other exclusively.

It would have been so easy; could have been a bit too perfect. One tiny step forward and we're back to where we were before, and my life could be smooth-sailing in the relationship department again. Except for that one llittle tiny voice in my head, repeating the mantra "...or they never were...or they never were."

No more games. No more bets.

Boss from hell

Started reading The Devil Wears Prada. A few pages and am hooked! Can't wait to see it on screen, with no less than Merryl Streep playing Miranda Priestly!

Well, the boss from hell! Don't we all have at least one story to tell? I certainly have mine, and it all happened 8 years ago right after college.

Her name is Chickie. The devil she is, maybe; but I loved her. She has the ability to bring tears to any unsuspecting victim that crosses her way, and a few minutes with her is more than enough to reduce anyone below 50 to a scared, whimpering child. Unless, of course, you're one of "Chickie's boys".

How did I land on Chickie's lap for breakfast? Long story, but I can still remember some vivid details of my year-long stint under the most amazingly devilish yet fascinatingly loveable boss in the world.

I remember:

*Senior managers bursting into tears after getting dressed down. Miranda's "the details of your incompetence don't interest me" comes to mind.

*Lowly staff talking about her scandalous outfit. Sexy, she was, in her late forties.

*Hiring a cab to drive me off to Clark because I was late one day when she had to make a pitch to the industry top honchos, and she thought I was on board with her entourage and went ahead of schedule. Later, her senior team will get the tongue-lashing of their lives for failing to remind her that I wasn't with them.

*Her cutting anyone with "Who's your boss?" in that oh-so-familiar tone, whenever one's making excuses about why something she wants to happen just isn't possible to do.

*Her telling me, in her most chilling voice, "You dropped the ball." That was a time when I didn't send the response she wanted us to write a competitor because another senior manager said to wait for some news over the weekend. She blew her top that Monday when things got worse and realized what I didn't do.

*A week later she made me her executive assistant.

*Lying about not having my driver's license with me, hence I couldn't drive for her amiga whose car had been towed while they were having coffee at Starbucks Emerald. Truth is, I didn't know how to drive back then, and one of her pre-qualifications for her staff is that they should all know how to drive.

*Seeing her dance Latino on an office table.

*Meeting her cook, whom she sent to culinary arts school because she's fascinated with food. Tuition was worth it, great food.

*Playing water polo with her and the rest of her team. This woman certainly works hard and plays harder.

I learned a lot from her, my work ethic strongly influenced by her in my early years trying to climb the ladder. She encouraged me (everyone on her team as well) to continuously improve, to always be ready to grab the next big thing. For her, knowledge is power only if you know how to use it.

I admit I may have had a Chickie crush growing up. What the heck, I was one of her boys. I didn't mind at all.

The Devil wears Prada. Yeah, and that devil is really an angel in disguise.

Tsk tsk

January babies are:

Handsome.
And so it was written.

Loves to dress up.
Duh!? I would dress up only under duress, like when there's a client meeting that am dragged into.

Easily bored.
I used to have "flavors of the month". Now it's like "cravings for the day". Yeah, true. Proof? I tend to sleep on our regular Monday staff meetings.

Fussy.
Da da da da da...

Seldom shows emotions.
No comment.

Takes time to recover when hurt.
No comment.

Sensitive.
That's what you think. Caveman.

Down-to-Earth.
Yep, though I tend to act more like this when am with show-offs.

Stubborn.
Oo naman.