this 3-year old has

In my 3 short years in this world, I've come to be called many names. I figured I don't really care, even nurtured those which I believe would enhance my standing amongst the circles I move in.

You see, the circles I move in I believed, no - engineered is the better term - will never intersect without my doing. I've been comfortable about this fact for so long, I forgot that circles of living organisms, humans at that, are dynamic and ever changing. And they do intersect. Six degrees of separation, maybe.

That my "reputation" preceeds me, I already know. I've heard it before. What's amazing in a twisted kind of way is how, as I retreat from most of the careless circles I thought I'd like to move in, part of me seemed to have stayed, along with the shadow of my reputation, getting amplified and modified passing thru many lips. Like ripples from the center of the lake hitting an obstruction on their way to the shore, creating even more ripples. Some cancel each other out, some reinforce each and become waves that break on the shore. The wind helps, too.

What I heard recently, apparently thru one of the circles I've so consciously (and pointedly?) retreated from, is more like a magnified wave you'd never guess to have originated from a smooth ripple. It is shocking, it is disturbing, yet it also explains a lot about how, no matter what I do or where I hide, I seem to still get the attention of certain individuals who, in the past, I would have considered interesting, even promising. It is just sad, then, that when I think about it, worse than the fact that I am now an unreachable and unattainable brat, is that if (hypothetically speaking) I do become a reachable and attainable brat again, I'd be the biggest disappointment of all.

And then I'm reminded of a scene from Queer as Folk when the character Brian was berated by a one-night stand, who, apparently, found the former's performance lackluster that night of all nights that the later finally got what he wanted. Too many lessons in that one, but the more obvious ones are:

1. The proof of the pudding is in the eating;
2. Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it all, and then some you don't want (uy, lyrics yan ah!)

I guess I won't have the last laugh at all....but who wants that?