almost th3re

At a kiddie party, I once witnessed a child crying his heart out because his mom forced him to lend a toy to his brother. Mom called him selfish, told him that Jesus doesn't love kids who are selfish, then snatched the toy away and gave it her other son. Either out of distress that the toy was snatched, or out of embarrassment to be called selfish, or out of fear that Jesus hates him (perhaps a mixture of all three), older child started wailing, and didn't stop until younger sibling returned the toy on dad's prodding.

I read somewhere that kids aren't really selfish - they just need to feel that sense of ownership over a toy or some stuff before they can feel safe sharing it. And share they would, once the ownership has been established and comfort in sharing is achieved. They don't have to be told to give or share.

I am no child psychologist. I am no kid either. But I swear this need to establish ownership boundaries prior to sharing something important afflicts me as much as the next child.

My theory is that it took this long for me to "own myself", and now more than ever I can share my life to someone without holding back. I realize I've always held back because somehow, I didn't really feel safe being close to someone, that somehow at the end of the road I'll be left with little, if nothing. I was not sure what I really own, and therefore uncertain how much to give. Or lose.

I use the term "ownership" loosely, mind you. It simply means something or someone unquestionnably belongs to you, and the sense of peace and comfort knowing that their commitment is real and reassuring.

Which leads me to another realization - that I am getting there - feeling safe and comfortable enough to share YOU to the world. I admit there are times when I get bouts of jealousy about people who were there first, how you speak of them with such endearing memories. I realize I do the same thing, and wonder if you ever feel the same whenever I speak of them.

Three months is enough time to establish a sense of belongingness. For some, it takes a few minutes. For others, a lifetime.