Stuck in a moment but am getting out of it

Nowadays I try to *sigh* in silence, lest someone sees me and assume I have asthma problem. Everything around me looks bleak and weary, despite the clear skies and the higher temperatures shouting the early arrival of Pinas summer. I would have appreciated dark skies and rains more...

There seem to be no ending to this. How much deeper is the bottom of the barrel?

I know there's a silver lining somewhere. A tipping point. An event that will happen that will signal that the tides are turning to our advantage. I know what that event might be, and I have a fairly good idea of when it will happen. But knowing is different from experiencing.

*sigh*

Okay, not everything that's happening is about doom..not at all, though from the look of things, would have been easier if a nuclear detonation actually happened. Destruction would have been immediate, hence painless. But that's not the case.

Today I slowly realized that I've been here before, roughly 5 years ago I've also seen and experienced something like this. I survived that one, maybe not unscathed, but I did survive and lived to tell the tale. Unfortunately, things were also different. Then I was at a foreign land, and home wasn't just a fallback, it was the destination. It also helped that I had a devil to blame. This time, blame lies somewhere, someplace I am not comfortable looking into.

Silver lining. A sliver of hope. There's a few minute details I've neglected to think of when I wallow in self-pity and drown in depression. Things I am thankful for.

*Friends who have stayed with me through thick or thin, friends I am carrying this yoke with. Friends who shed tears while watching The Fountain or The Pursuit of Happyness - one about letting go, the other about holding on.

*A year almost to the date, the anniversary of my Jason episode. I completely forgot about it, can't even think of it as a major thing in my past. Few weeks ago I thought I'd be depressed, because that's how we do when anniversaries of bad things come by, but nope, I can't even remember what I felt that time. I knew I cried, felt so lost I could barely get out of the room. But this time? Nada. That period of my life is dwarfed by the storm currently raging around and within me, threatening to abolish all that I've worked so hard for all my years.

*RL. For being there at the darkest hours, offering comfort and much more, distracting me from the suffering around me, urging me to move on, supporting me for decisions that seem petty, being patient over my stubborn stance.

*The beach. Good thing he's also stubborn, "forcing" me to book our flight and take a break in Boracay next week. On my own I wouldn't summon the energy to push the "buy it" button; but RL made it easy by being so excited about the trip I felt guilty being a killjoy. I am feeling guilty of so many things I don't even have control of, this one's not going to be on me.

*The flat tire. Halle blew a flat for the first time in 3 years, and as if I needed reminding there's more practical matters at hand than worrying about a future that's making my present dull and unhappy. I figured I can only do so much with so little time, and the ones right under my nose have a better chance of getting solved by me than the ones under somebody else's. Yeah, I wanted to shove that face right to the problems that hound us, and shout "We need leadership!" But why bother? Leadership is innate - no matter how much you studied it in school, no matter what your title says after your name, the decisions you make on times like these define you as a leader. There are great leaders, and there are petty ones. Guess what we have here?

You see, there are more things happening around me that needed special attention, for these are the really important things I should be watching out for. Things that make life much more meaningful.

I've been here before. The territory changes, the challenges more demanding. But it is still me, all 31 years of me.