Pushing you away

I wasn't trying to.

Today you accused me of being me again, trying to push you away whenever you wanted to get closer. When will you ever learn that being me is what I do best?

I wasn't trying to push you away, you know. There. I said it. Happy now?

I was trying to present you options, to resolve a dilemma of your own. You asked for my opinion, remember? No, to be precise, you said, "What will I do?"

In fairness to me, I didn't even say "If I were you..." I simply helped you lay down scenarios. I am good at that. It's one of the things I am good at, analyzing contingent events. Sprinkle a little of game theory if you must.

Contingencies. Worst-case scenarios. Likely events. They all exist with certain probabilities attached to them. It is not my fault the likelier events would also mean that you'll be farther away from me should they happen. I don't know how to make these events less likely to occur..or maybe I do - by showing you how bad the outcome would be relative to us being together, I've somehow influenced your thinking and made you resolve not to take that specific option. Call it a real-life variation of Schrödinger's paradox.

So, to answer your question: no, I wasn't trying to push you away at all. It would have been too easy - one simple act of unkindness, one simple indiscretion and you'll be the one doing the pushing. I've seen how powerfully destructive I could be, having seen the demise of some rather unfortunate beings whose only fault is to love me sans reason. I am matured enough now to be aware of the consequences my actions will have on people who care about me, and I do care enough for them to show some restraint. That includes you.

I sense, however, that this recent attack is more like a manifestation of your impatience at the pace of things. That I prefer to move slower while you wanted things to go at a much quicker pace is, as always, at the bottom of things. It's not an impasse I'd be willing to be caught into - meaning give it time, we'll pick up the pace somewhere in between somehow.

Level-headed, eh? Not really, not always. There are days when I think you're the one pushing me away...and at times I let you know how hard it is for me as well. We've always managed to come to a truce always. This is just one of those days we have to breathe and count from one to ten before we let the words out.