Colored dreams

As if our time partying last weekend plus the time I've spent daydreaming about you after that are not enough, you've recently invaded even my sleep. Enough to declare this to be more than just a crush.

Multiple dreams about you in a single sleeping window - how pathetic is that? The kind of dreams I couldn't control, the kind that tells me I want you more than I'm willing to admit to myself.

I can't even say which dream came first, but last night there were two. One in colors, the other one in grayscale. One left me feeling lost, the other feeling good but guilty. It's amazing how I can't figure out which one came first, while I can vividly remember other details of those dreams.

The colored dream:

Coming out of my building one weekend afternoon. Saw some kids playing on the streets while walking, stopped a while to watch them. I felt your presence first, and saw you seated there, watching me, with your best friend.

Interestingly, you were wearing a yellow t-shirt and khaki shorts, very Abercrombie. Your bestfriend is wearing something similar, though in shades of pink and brown, much like what your ex-boyfriend was wearing one time I saw you together for real. Both of you were looking at me, and I barely acknowledged your presence and instead turned my attention back to the kids.

Then I looked back, and you were gone. I tried desperately to look for you in the streets, tried to run after you, but you were nowhere to be seen. I gave up and found myself kneeling on the pebble-ladden street. I felt no pain, just tremendous loss and regret.

The grayscale dream:

We were at a place I can exactly identify as the Luneta, almost at the intersection of Kalaw and that obscure street next to Taft. It was dark, maybe dusk. We were walking, then you started playing with street kids, even getting your clothes dirty.

Then we started kissing. I hesitated a moment, afraid that I'd get dirty, too. I kissed you back anyway. The kiss deepened, got steamy. We made out right there, kissing and holding each other, even lying and rolling on the sidewalk.

I felt somebody, popped an eyelid open, then saw your bestfriend, watching us. Got uncomfortable. I drew away from you and looked back at him, and saw tears in his eyes. I put my hands on his shoulders, trying to console him. I felt guilty kissing you, but I also felt good and wanted more.

End of dreams.

I think I woke up, but went right back to sleep. It was only after getting up later that I felt weird remembering the details and realizing I might be manifesting more than just an infatuation with you. I'll stop interpreting these dreams right now, and instead analyze how I felt in those dreams.

I felt deep loss in my colored dream when you were gone, regret that I was still trying to play games with you when you were right there and all I have to do is smile at you and let you know I see you. I realize now that it has been my usual reaction when we see each other - nonchallance, uninterested attitude towards you, but only to make you want me, too. Now I know what I'll feel if my playing games with you drives you away from me.

In grayscale, I felt good kissing you, felt happy that it was a soul-baring kiss. But afterwards, I also felt guilty when I saw your bestfriend in tears seeing that kiss. I don't know why I should be feeling guilty, but I felt that I am taking away something from him. It doesn't help that when awake, I have this nagging feeling that he's really holding a candle for you. I mean, he's totally into you. Too bad we got acquainted through him, and it feels like I had to get his permission just to get to you, maybe even just to have a crush on you. Not fair to him, I know.

Still, overall, I like that I am dreaming about you. That's why I felt bad with the one-liner emails you've been sending through. You started it, but now I feel like I'm the one who wanted it to continue.

Help me out here. Next time, just get on with it. No strings, just to see if what's afflicting me is just a result of a (un)healthy libido and an overactive imagination; just to know if it can be washed away like soap does dirt or like wine does the aftertaste.